


My Spirk One-Shot Collection, Part 1

by IvanW



Series: Ivan's One-Shot Collection [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Death, Fluff and Angst, Gay Sex, Grief/Mourning, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Romance, Sexual Content, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension, spirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2018-01-19 17:01:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 67
Words: 72,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1477246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my collection of one-shot Kirk/Spock stories. All Kirk/Spock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Miss Me

“Are you gonna miss me?” Jim asked Spock as they lay in the afterglow of love making. He was covered in a fine sheen of sweat, though Spock didn’t seem particularly sweaty, damn the Vulcan.

“You will be gone three days and only two nights,” Spock replied.

“I’ll miss you.”

Spock did not have a response for that and Jim sighed. His head had been lying on Spock’s chest but now he rose up and lay on his side facing Spock, who still lay on his back.

Jim reached for Spock’s fingers with his and stroked them together. “You won’t miss me?”

“I did not say that.”

“You didn’t say you would either.” Jim sighed. “I wish you were coming with me.”

“Both the captain and the first officer are not required.”

“I know, Spock. It’s just…never mind.”

Spock opened his mouth as though to speak, but Jim feigned a yawn.

“Wow, I’m super tired all of a sudden.” He leaned over and placed a kiss on Spock’s lips. “Night, Spock.” He turned to face away from Spock and closed his eyes, trying not to be disappointed.

****

Jim was dead tired when he beamed on board the Enterprise from the three day meeting he’d had on Starbase 9. God Admirals and dignitaries could talk forever.

He stepped off the transporter pad and managed a weary smile for the chief behind the controls. He was back a couple of hours earlier than originally anticipated, so instead of heading for the bridge, Jim went to his quarters.

A check with the computer indicated Spock was on the bridge, so Jim discarded his clothes and got into the shower. He planned on drinking coffee when he was finished, so he could face the rest of his shift. What he really wanted was about three days straight of sleep, but that wasn’t going to happen.

He wrapped a towel around his waist and exited the bathroom.

Spock stood in his quarters, hands behind his back. For a moment, a fleeting one, Jim was annoyed Spock had entered his quarters without his permission. They had only been…well whatever they were…for a couple of weeks. Spock shouldn’t just think he could enter without asking, should he? But then Jim realized normally he wouldn’t care. He was just still smarting from Spock not telling Jim he would miss him.

“Hey, Spock. Everything okay?” Jim smiled. ”I got back a little early so I figured I had time for a shower.”

But Spock only stared at him.

“Spock?”

Spock moved suddenly, so fast Jim gave a yelp of surprise as he was shoved against the bulkhead. The Vulcan slammed his hands on either side of Jim’s head, trapping Jim there.

“What?” Jim asked, his eyes wide with surprise.

Spock crushed Jim’s lips under his, ferocious and bruising. Jim moaned and threw his arms around Spock’s neck, pressing into the kiss, into Spock.

When Jim finally had to come up for air, he blinked hazily at Spock. “What was that?”

“I missed you.”

“Oh.” Jim smiled. “Oh.”

“Is that all you can say?” Spock asked, his pupils blown wide, as his gaze went to Jim’s swollen lips.

Jim went in for another kiss. “I missed you, too.”  


	2. The Flower

Jim walked to the turbolift with Spock by his side. “You sure you shouldn’t be checked out by Bones?”

Spock raised a brow. “I am fine, Captain.”

“I know but everyone else that got sprayed by that flower down there is acting really strange. Maybe just to be on the safe side?”

“I am quite certain whatever was in the flower’s pollen does not affect Vulcans.”

Jim frowned. “Really? How can you be sure?”

Spock gave a small shrug. “Do I appear to be under any unnatural affects?”

“No.”

“Then all is well, Captain.”

They entered the turbolift and Jim pushed the bridge button.

Standing side by side, neither of them said anything. Jim exhaled slowly, letting the tension from the recent mission release. They’d lost one security officer and four members had been sprayed by the flower pollen, Spock included.

Suddenly he felt like his butt cheek got pinched. Jim blinked. Turned to stare at Spock. But Spock was looking straight ahead, hands linked together in front of him, his expression as unreadable as usual.

Jim frowned and rubbed his temples. He was losing it. Too much stress from too many missions in a row, he told himself.

The turbolift doors opened on the bridge.

“Keptin on the bridge,” Chekov announced.

Jim moved off to his chair and Spock went to his station.

“Status report.”

“On course for M16, Captain,” Sulu said.

“Thank you, Mr. Sulu.”

“Captain, I have that scan from the planet, Sherda, ready,” Spock spoke from his station.

Jim rose and went to Spock’s station. He bent over the station to look into the viewer. After a moment, Spock bent down, too, his face very close to Jim’s hair. Jim heard a sniff and he straightened suddenly, just in time to see Spock’s gaze quickly dart away from Jim’s ass.

“Uh.”

“Captain?”

Jim swallowed and shook his head. God, he really needed sleep. He had to be imagining things. “Thanks for that, Mr. Spock. I’m, uh, send it to my PADD, will you?”

“Aye, Captain.”

Jim decided to avoid looking at Spock for the rest of his shift. He was imagining an interest he wanted to see but wasn’t there. Jim was certain of it. He knew Spock and Uhura were no longer together but that didn’t mean Spock was now interested in him or anyone. No matter how much he might wish it.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to concentrate on his reports. Five minutes before his shift was due to end, Jim got up, intending to get into the turbolift alone and head straight for the medbay. He had a screaming headache.

“Captain?” Spock stopped him just as he was about to enter the lift.

He restrained his sigh. “Yeah?”

“Chess tonight?’

“Oh, sure. Rec room?”

Spock shook his head. “I have a chess set in my quarters. 2200 hours?”

Spock had never invited him to his quarters. Jim just stared at him.

“Captain?”

“Er. Sure, sure.” Jim turned to get on the lift and noticed Uhura staring wide-eyed at Spock. He shook his head and got on the lift.

****

Jim had just finished his second cup of coffee at his desk in his quarters when his comm beeped.

“McCoy to Kirk.”

“Yeah Bones?”

“Looks like that flower pollen wears off in twelve to sixteen hours. It doesn’t seem to do any lasting harm. I’ve got those affected off work until tomorrow and then they should be good as new.”

“Great, thanks, Bones.”

“Your hobgoblin didn’t come to see me.”

Jim sighed. “I know. And he’s not mine.”

“If you say so.”

“I do say so. We’re friends and colleagues and nothing else.”

“Well, whatever,” Bones said. “He still didn’t come by to be checked.”

“He insists Vulcans are immune or something.”

“Right.”

“I’m seeing him tonight in a little bit, so I’ll mention it to him again,” Jim said.

“Oh? A date?’

Jim laughed. “Chess, Bones. Not a date.”

“If you say so,” Bones said again.

“I do say so,” Jim repeated, scowling.

“McCoy out.”

A little while later, Jim made it to Spock’s quarters to the right of his own.

“Enter,” Spock called.

Spock was sitting behind his own desk, still dressed in his uniform. Jim felt a little weird since he had changed to a blue T-shirt.

“I am finishing up this report on laboratory findings,” Spock said. “The chess set is there. Would you set it up?”

“Sure.”

“Do you require a synthetic alcoholic beverage?”

Jim laughed and shook his head. “Nah, I’d better have my wits about me. You’ve managed to kick my ass the last five matches.”

He began to set up the pieces on the board but then knocked four of them to the floor.

“Crap, I’m all thumbs today. I kept knocking into shit earlier too.” He leaned over the table to reach the pieces that had fallen on the other chair.

_Smack!_

The sound was loud in the quiet room and the sting of the hand on his butt cheek sharp and shocking. Jim scrambled to stand and turned and gaped at Spock who stood directly behind him.

“Did you—you just totally smacked my ass!”

“Affirmative.”

“And—and earlier…you pinched it, didn’t you?”

Spock nodded.

“Did you smell my hair?” Jim demanded.

“It is your fault for having hair that smells like peaches and cream,” Spock told him. “And your posterior is most pleasing.”

Jim backed up a step. “Um, Spock, I think that flower pollen affected you after all.”

“Clarify.”

“You aren’t acting like yourself at all. You’re, um, you’ve been affected. I think you need to go to the medbay to see Bones.”

Spock shook his head.

“No?”

“I am not interested in Dr. McCoy.”

”Well, but—”

“I am interested in you.”

“Me?” God, was that squeaky voice his.

“You do not reciprocate my interest?” Spock asked, coming to stand closer to Jim.

“No, it’s not that.”

“Then you do desire me?” Spock’s brown eyes turned warm, like melting chocolate.

Jim licked his lips. “Yeah, but—”

“I do not see any issue then in us engaging in sexual congress.”

“What?” Jim’s mind just short-circuited and his dick stood at attention, very happy indeed to hear ‘ _sexual congress_ ’ out of those Vulcan lips.

Spock must have seen victory in his hesitation because he suddenly pounced and Jim found himself on his back on the table, the remains of the forgotten chess set falling to the floor.

Before Jim could catch his breath, Spock had pulled off Jim’s boots and was working on the snaps of his pants.

“Spock? Wait,” Jim panted, even as he heard the sound of his pants tearing. “Holy shit.”

“Your shirt matches your eyes,” Spock said, then growled as he pulled off Jim’s ruined pants.

“Well, yeah, I know.”

“So you admit you were attempting to entice me.” Spock now got Jim’s briefs off, leaving his lower half completely exposed.

“No. Well, I don’t think so. Maybe.” Jim moaned when Spock’s fingers curled around his erection. “ _Fuck_.”

Spock released Jim’s dick and then Jim watched as Spock took off his own clothes with remarkable speed and efficiency. He should be protesting this again, he thought, even as he couldn’t help but admire the naked Vulcan in front of him with the slight green blush.

Spock was so going to regret this when he was no longer under the influence of the pollen. And so Jim would too.

“Spock—”

And then Spock’s fingers were in him, covered in lube and Jim had a moment where he wondered where the hell Spock got lube, but then what little sense he had left went straight to his dick and he was lost when Spock replaced his fingers with his own double ridged cock and Jim was lost to Spock fucking him.

****

When Jim woke up in Spock’s bed he was alone. Sometime the night before they’d moved to the bed for more sex and then Jim had fallen asleep. He’d vaguely wondered if he should attempt to return to his own quarters but then was just too worn out to move.

Now as his whole body ached, Jim grimaced, he sort of wished he had. Now Spock would probably realize the plant had made him do it. _Great_.

Jim sat up and noticed that Spock was once again sitting at his desk, working on his terminal. Dressed in his science blue.

“Captain,” Spock said.

Jim refrained from wincing but just barely. “Hi.” He ran his fingers through his hair and swung his legs to the floor.

Ah, fuck, he was naked. He really didn’t want to parade around naked in front of  _returned to normal_  Spock.

“Do you, um, think I could have my clothes?” God, the morning after was awkward. Which was why he didn’t do mornings after.

Spock tilted his head and rose from behind the desk. He bent down to pick up Jim’s discarded clothes and then handed them to Jim.

“Thanks.” Jim licked his lips. “I’ll, um, just get dressed and get out of your hair.”

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “You are not in my hair.”

“It’s a figure of speech.” Jim pulled on his blue T-shirt when Spock turned away.

“Would you care for your coffee?” Spock asked.

“I probably should just get going.” Jim put on his briefs and then his ruined pants. And then stood to leave. Spock stood by the door. “So, um,…how do you feel, Spock?”

“I am well rested. And you, Captain?”

“Sort of like a jackass actually.”

“Why?”

“Because, well, I should have stopped you.”

“You did not desire sexual congress between us?” Spock asked, his voice very neutral.

“No, I-I did. But—”

Spock shook his head. “I was not sprayed by the flower.”

“What?”

“You are under the impression I was acting under the influenced of the native plant, however, I was not sprayed with the pollen.”

Jim blinked. “But-but you were there with the others.”

“Affirmative. None of the pollen landed on me.”

“Then—”

“As I said, your posterior is very pleasing and your hair smells like peaches and cream. The blue of your shirt matches your eyes. To state otherwise would be illogical.”

Jim suddenly felt like smiling. A lot. “So that means—”

“Means?”

“You’re now my boyfriend?’

“Negative.”

He felt his smile fade. “No?”

“ _You_  are  _my_  boyfriend.”

Jim suddenly found himself in Spock’s arms again. “Well, in that case, I will have that coffee, Mr. Spock.”

“And perhaps a shower,” Spock suggested.

“Are you saying I stink?”

Spock gave his little shrug. “But I do not believe you will be showering alone.”

“Now you’re talking.”

Spock looked confused. “I have been talking since—”

Jim laughed and kissed him thoroughly.


	3. Experiment

“Are you okay, Spock?”

“Affirmative,” Spock panted.

Jim sunk his teeth into his bottom lip. “Does it hurt? You sound out of breath?”

“Your penis is currently inside my anus, how else should I sound?”

“So it hurts?” Jim asked carefully. He was trying not to move, really he was, but damn Spock was tight and God, said penis really wanted to thrust deep. His arms were shaky with the effort to maintain his height above Spock’s body while he waited for the Vulcan to get used to the feel of a penis imbedded in him.

“No.”

“Okay. So, um, it feels good or bad?”

“It is not unpleasant,” Spock said after several seconds of silence.

Jim nodded, rather frantically, he thought. “I can work with that.”

“It is an…odd sensation.”

And really that just made him want to laugh. Spock still sounding so Vulcan as he talked about Jim being crammed up his ass. Priceless, really.

“Odd can be good,” Jim said after he forced himself not to laugh. He really doubted Spock would appreciate him laughing during their “experiment” as his first officer as so seriously put it.

“Captain?”

This time he couldn’t stifle the laugh. Really? At this moment Spock decided to resort _to Captaining_ him?

 “I believe it is proper to begin to move.” Spock shifted causing a delicious jolt to go straight to Jim’s restrained dick.

Jim gritted his teeth. “Thanks for telling me that.” His breaths hitched.

“Are you all right, Jim?”

“Uh-huh,” Jim panted as he began to thrust inside Spock’s tight channel.

“You sound out of breath.”

“My dick is in your ass, Spock. How am I supposed to sound?”

Spock made a sort of humming sound and thrust back against Jim.

“Ah, fuck. Okay, that’s—that’s too fucking good.” Jim started pounding into Spock faster and harder and the Vulcan didn’t seem to mind. They both stopped talking, giving in to the frantic pace of their love-making.

Jim slipped his hand underneath Spock and gripped Spock’s hard dick, stroking him even as he thrust deeper and deeper. Spock made a strange, low growling noise that made Jim harder still.

Okay, so he could so get into the whole idea of fucking Spock instead of Spock fucking him. Not every time, but…oh _hell yeah_.

“Jim,” Spock gasped. He tensed and then shot cum all over Jim’s hand.

Jim thought maybe his eyes rolled to the back of his head as he felt a powerful orgasm rock through him and he emptied into Spock. “Fuck!”

He collapsed onto Spock, laying sprawled on top his lover. Completely sated, he sighed with contentment.

“Ashayam?”

“Hmm?” Jim smiled happily.

“Are you going to use me as the bed?”

“Oh. Um, yeah. Sorry.” Jim forced himself to move off Spock and lay beside him. He looped his arm around Spock’s waist. “So?”

Spock turned his head toward Jim. His eyes were filled with the warmth he reserved for Jim. “Clarify.”

“Was the experiment a success?”

“I believe I will need to collect more data to determine the results.”

Jim laughed. “I can totally get on board with that.”


	4. A Brother

Spock found his captain on the observation deck staring at the stars they flew past, his gaze strangely unfocused.

“Captain?”

Kirk’s eyes closed. “Spock.”

“The doctor said you spoke to your mother?”

“Yeah.”

“She is well?”

“Mom? She’s all right. As well as can be expected after being told by one son her other son is dead. And her daughter-in-law.”

“What will be done with your nephew Peter?”

“Mom said she’ll talk to Aurelan’s parents. They’ll work something out between them. Mom’s mostly planet-side these days so she might be able to take care of him.”

Spock watched his captain’s profile for a bit. Kirk had opened his eyes again and was staring at the stars once more.

“What do you need, Jim?” Spock asked quietly.

“It’s been years since I even saw Sam, you know?” Kirk shook his head. “They’d been working on Deneva as scientists when Peter was born. I never even met him before.”

“You were not close?”

Kirk shook his head. “Not for a long time. Once.”

Spock stepped closer.

Kirk looked at him. “You’re okay?”

“My sight has been restored fully by Dr. McCoy.”

“I know, but there’s no pain or anything?”

Spock shook his head. He was not happy Kirk hurt. His discomfort came from not being able to relieve his captain’s sorrow.

“That place was fucked up,” Kirk said after a moment of silence.

“How can I help?” Spock asked.

Kirk’s lips curved into a ghost of a smile. “Hug me?”

Spock pulled his captain into his arms and held him close. “Better?”

“It’s always better when you hold me.” Kirk sighed against him.

“I will hold you whenever you require it.” Spock kissed the top of Kirk’s head.

Kirk laughed a little. “You sure about that? I might require it a lot.”

“I am sure, t’hy’la.”


	5. Medbay Meld

Spock woke to find himself flat on his back and staring at hot overhead lights. Medbay. He could hear murmured voices.

“Should we tell him?”

“He’s gotta know.”

“I know, but if we tell him too soon it might be detrimental to his own recovery.”

“I’ve considered that. But if I were him, I’d want to know. This is going to devastate him.”

Spock began to feel a sense of panic. Were they speaking of him? And tell him what? Was it Jim? Had something happened to Jim?

He tried to remember why he was in the medbay. But he could not. How long had he been unconscious? Where was Jim? Spock reached out for the bond but it was silent, dark. His anxiety spiked.

If Jim was—

No, he could not be. Spock would not accept such an outcome. They’d only bonded five point three months ago. That was not long. Not enough time. Never.

“Spock, you’re awake,” McCoy said, suddenly appearing in Spock’s vision.

Spock began to sit up.

“No, no,” McCoy said. “Stay down. You aren’t going anywhere. I just patched you up.”

Spock continued to rise. “Where is—”

“Down, Commander, or I’ll put you out.”

He forced himself under control. “Where is the captain?”

“Spock.” Dr. McCoy shook his head.

Spock could not breathe. “Is he…” But he could not get the words out to ask the question.

McCoy shook his head, his eyes filling with tears. “He’s not dead. Not yet anyway. But…he’s in a coma. And there’s very little brain activity, Spock. He’s been deteriorating since he was brought here. He’s not going to make it this time.”

Spock would not accept this. Could not accept this. “Let me see him.”

“I don’t want you up yet.”

“You will let me see him. Now.”

“Look, you hobgoblin—”

“I do not wish to hurt you, doctor. But I must see him.”

McCoy frowned. “All right. But easy.” He helped Spock to sit up and then helped him move to the edge of the biobed. Spock was dizzy but he did not care. All he cared about was getting to Jim.

The doctor helped him to walk to Jim’s bed. All kinds of instruments were connected to his mate and Jim was paper white.

He swallowed around the lump in his throat. “What happened?”

“I was hoping you could tell me. Uhura and Sulu found you both injured on the planet. Both of you were bleeding and unconscious.”

Spock didn’t remember. He wasn’t sure he wanted to. He placed his hand on Jim’s psi-points and entered his mind.

Where usually there was brightness and brilliance there was dark, there was illness, wounds. Spock gasped.

_Jim? Jim?_

A throbbing, pain filled whisper along their bond.

_Jim? You must answer._

_Sppp_

_Say it. Say my name._

_Ock_

_Jim_

_Spock_

_Come toward me, Jim. Come toward my light_

_Hard_

_I know. You can do it_

_Tired_

_I will help you rest when you come to me_

_Spock_

_Please, ashayam_

Around the edges of the darkness, light began to appear. Spock felt a tiny spark of hope. He cradled the hope and sent it into Jim’s mind.

_That is the way, ashayam. Keep coming_

More light appeared and the wounds throbbed less, the illness fading.

_A little farther, Jim. Then you will be home_

_Home?_

_With me_

In Spock’s mind an image formed of Jim, wearing his captain’s uniform and smiling. He walked toward Spock who had also appeared and wore his uniform. An odd detail, Spock thought. He was not sure whether the images came from him or from Jim. Or both. It did not matter as they were one.

Spock held out his hand first but then decided that was not good enough. He opened his arms, waiting for Jim. And then Jim smiled, brilliant and beautiful, and stepped into Spock’s embrace.

The bond lit up, the darkness gone, the illness healed.

He broke the meld, by slowly removing his fingers from his mate’s face.

McCoy stared at him, his mouth hanging up. “What did you do?”

“Doctor, his vitals are stabilizing,” a nurse said. “And his brain activity is returning to normal.”

“Was that your Vulcan voodoo?” Dr. McCoy demanded.

Spock stared at Jim, saw the color returning to his too pale skin. “He will be in a healing trance now, doctor.”

“A healing trance? That’s a Vulcan thing.”

“And is transferable to my bondmate.” Spock swayed unsteadily. “Doctor, I believe I need to return to bed.”

McCoy snorted. “No kidding.” He helped Spock to lie down once more. To Spock’s surprise, the doctor squeezed his hand. “Thank you. For that. For Jim.”

“I did it for myself as much as you or him, doctor.”

McCoy smiled. “I know. Go to sleep.”

Spock closed his eyes.

“Are they both going to be all right, Dr. McCoy?” the nurse asked.

“Yeah, yeah, I think they are.”


	6. Cough

“Spock—” Whatever Jim was about to say was interrupted by another bout of horrendous, chest deep coughing.

Spock could not help feeling alarmed. To him, Jim’s cough was not improving. “I am going to comm Dr. McCoy.”

“No, Spock.” Jim rubbed his chest. “He already said the cough lingers the longest. It’s fine.”

“You are sounding worse.”

“I’m not worse. He checked me just a few hours ago,” Jim said hoarsely. “It’ll be gone soon enough. I’m going to sleep in my own quarters tonight and you sleep in yours.”

“Why?”

“Because I kept you awake all last night.”

“Vulcans need less sleep.”

“Yeah, but they don’t need no sleep, Spock. It’s just for a night or two. You couldn’t even meditate.”

Spock did not point out that he could not sleep or meditate because he was concerned over Jim’s health. Since they had become romantically involved they had spent every night together and it was not something Spock wished to change.

Jim smiled, but it was strained and his eyes were watery and tired looking. Spock wanted Jim with him more than ever, since he wanted to keep an eye on him. He was beginning to doubt Dr. McCoy’s abilities.

“It’s going to be okay, Spock. It’s just for maybe three nights.”

His alarm increased. “Less than one minute ago it was a night or two and now it has become three nights.”

“Well, whatever. It probably won’t be that long. I’m just tired.”

Spock wanted to argue but Jim’s expression had changed to his official ‘captain’ look instead of Spock’s lover. He nodded. “Very well. But if you change your mind and decide you desire company after all I will be amenable.”

“Okay, deal. Love you.”

“And I love you.”

Spock went to his own quarters without Jim with no little reluctance. He wasn’t certain he could relax enough to sleep or meditate with his concern over Jim, so when he reached his quarters, he commed Dr. McCoy.

“Yes, Spock?” Dr. McCoy asked wearily.

“It is about the captain.”

“He’s fine.”

“Are you certain—?”

“I’ve checked him three times. The worst of the flu that spread through the ship is over. The cough lingers.”

“It sounds deep in his chest.”

“I know, but it’s breaking up. Do you really think I would be casual about Jim’s health, Spock?”

The doctor had a point though Spock did not intend to admit it to him. “Very well. Spock out.”

He undressed and put on his sleeping robe and got into his own bed, by himself. The bed smelled of Jim now since he spent so much time there. They preferred Spock’s quarters for the most part because Spock liked it warm and Jim liked the layout of Spock’s quarters better. Spock suspected Jim just wanted to make Spock happy.

He attempted to sleep for one hour and ten minutes. He gave up and went to his meditation mat. He tried that for another hour, but he could not concentrate.

Spock exhaled and decided he had to ignore his captain’s orders. He entered their shared bathroom and heard Jim coughing. He walked into the quarters and realized it was cold. He stepped over to the bed.

Jim peered up at him. “Spock, what are you—”

“I cannot sleep alone,” Spock said.

Jim sighed. “Stubborn Vulcan.” He lifted the covers. “Come in then. Don’t say I didn’t try to spare you.”

Spock got into bed next to Jim and pulled him close. “I will not.”

Jim shook his head. “Crazy Vulcan. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, ashayam.”


	7. Easter Eggs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring a special guest appearance by Suvoc

“What is the purpose of this exercise?”

I glanced at Suvoc as he stood in the kitchen staring at me as I prepared the hardboiled eggs for dyeing. “It’s for fun.”

“Fun,” he repeated as though it was the strangest word in standard. “I do not understand.”

I sighed. “You dye them different colors, like, you know, for spring, they represent, um, well, whatever. They are pretty.”

Suvoc raised an eyebrow and then turned to Spock. “Sa-mekh?”

“Yes?” Spock asked from his perch on a stool at the breakfast nook in our apartment. He was reading something on his PADD while sipping his spiced tea.

“Do you understand this odd Terran practice?”

Spock inclined his head. “I am aware of it but I do not appreciate its purpose.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well, wait for Bones to get here. He’ll be on my side.”

“He is always on your side,” my husband said with some amusement.

“Yeah that’s what besties are for.”

Suvoc turned his curious dark eyes on me again. “Besties?”

“Yeah it’s like a nickname for best friend.”

“I thought Sa-mekh was your best friend.”

I smiled and met Spock’s gaze. “Well, yeah, but he’s way more than that.”

Suvoc nodded. “I have a best friend.”

“Yeah? Who?”

He seemed to think about it. “Is it permissible to have more than one?”

“Sure.”

“Then you, Father, and Sa-mekh are two of my best friends,” Suvoc said seriously. “And Bones.”

I smiled. “And friends your own age?”

“There is Carla.”

I remembered her as Suvoc had commed me about buying her a present for her birthday. “Good choice.”

“And T'Saralonde.”

“Are all your best friends from school females, Suvoc?” Spock asked.

He seemed to think about this. “I believe so. Is that not acceptable?”

“Of course it is.” I ruffled his hair which I knew he disliked. I laughed and brought the boiled eggs and dye to the table to sit down. Suvoc dutifully followed me there.

“Will you dye eggs with us, Sa-mekh?”

Spock glanced at his PADD wistfully but set it aside to join us at the table. He eyed the dye dubiously. “Perhaps we should wear gloves so as not to dye our fingers at the same time as the eggs.”

The door opened and closed with a loud bang and I knew Bones had arrived. “What’s this about wearing gloves?”

“In order to refrain from dyeing our flesh along with the eggs, Bones,” Suvoc said.

Bones rolled his eyes and took his seat at the table. “Dyeing your fingers is all part of the process, kid.”

Suvoc scrunched up his face. “Is this true, Father?”

I shrugged. “You and your Sa-mekh can use gloves if you prefer.”

“I do prefer,” Spock said, arching an eyebrow. He went into the kitchen and returned with two sets of latex gloves. He pulled his on immediately.

Suvoc stared at the other pair of gloves and then watched as Bones picked up an egg and swished it around in blue dye. “What do you do with the eggs once they have been dyed?”

“You crack them and peel them and eat them,” I said, sticking one in green dye.

“Why not do this now before coloring them?”

“Then it’s not fun.”

His brows furrowed and he picked up an egg, still without putting the gloves on. He dipped the egg in purple dye and then stared at his fingers. “I believe I would prefer the gloves.” He pulled them on his hands.

I laughed. “Figured you might.”

“A wise choice, Suvoc,” Spock said with approval.

“Amateurs,” Bones mumbled.

“What else is part of this Terran celebration?” Suvoc asked after a moment.

“Chocolate bunnies.” Bones eyed Suvoc and Spock. “Although not for the two of you.”

“Indeed, doctor. Jim is also allergic to chocolate.”

I stuck my tongue out at him.

“More for me then,” Bones announced with glee.

“You can also hide eggs around and then you hunt for them,” I told Suvoc.

“For what purpose?”

“To find them.”

“Why? Why do you hide them only to re-find them?”

 I shook  my head. “For—”

“Fun,” he finished for me. “Terrans are very strange.”

Spock nodded. “Something you will learn very quickly. Fortunately, we are able to adapt to their peculiarities.”

“Let me see your egg,” I said, nudging Spock.

He held up an Easter egg that was beautiful and precise, perfect.

“That looks too good,” I scoffed. I held mine up which was made up of several runny colors leaking into each other.

“And that is…interesting looking,” Spock said.

“Best damn…er…darn Easter egg in the whole universe.”

“So the purpose is to make them unattractive?” Suvoc asked.

“Oh be quiet,” I said. “I like my egg. It’s Eastery.”

“Is that even a word, Jim?” Bones asked with a smirk.

“It is now. I just made it one.”


	8. The Fight

Jim was aware that Bones was staring hard at him, but he chose to ignore his friend’s glare.

“How long is this going to go on?”

“What, Bones?” Jim asked wearily. He was always weary lately. Especially emotionally.

“Stupid doesn’t look good on you, Jim. You and Spock. It’s gone on forever.”

“Two weeks,” he said with misery. Against his will, his gaze strayed to where Spock sat in the mess room with Uhura. Of course. Had to be on purpose.

“Two weeks of you two not talking to each other except as duty requires.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jim grimaced. Part of him was very much afraid this was it. Spock and him were through. And he wasn’t even sure why. One stupid fight and it was over?

Ever since the fight, Jim hadn’t said a word to Spock unless it was regarding something to do with a mission or the ship. And Spock had done the same to Jim. They had not played chess, they had not shared a meal, they had not made love, or even slept in the same room. Nothing. Like it had been nothing between them.

“Is this going to be the way it is for the rest of the mission, Jim?” Bones asked, his voice softening.

Was it? Was his first and only attempt at a real relationship going to end in the greatest heartbreak of his life? How was he going to do this? By hiding the pain away like he always did.

“I hope not,” Jim said honestly. But damn his heart hurt. It was fucking killing him.

“Why don’t you be the one to tell Spock you’re sorry?”

Jim rubbed his temples. “I don’t even remember what started this whole thing. But you see how quickly he ran back to her.”

Bones glanced at Spock and Uhura’s table. “He’s not back with her.”

Jim couldn’t even look. “Are you sure?”

“No,” Bones admitted. “I just don’t think even the hobgoblin is that cold.”

Jim pushed his plate of mostly untouched food away. “I don’t really know about anything anymore. I think I’m meant to spend my life alone, Bones.”

“Jim—”

He rose on his feet then swayed, holding his head.

Bones stood up and grabbed him. “Jim, are you all right?”

Jim shook his head. “A headache, Bones. Just-Just got up too fast.”

“I wanna see you in medbay.”

Jim frowned. “No way. I gotta go to the bridge.”

“Let the hobgoblin take command.”

“I’m not asking him for anything, Bones. I’m fine.”

“And stubborn as hell,” Bones muttered.

Jim attempted a smile and squeezed Bones’ shoulder. “I’m fine. I’ve worked through shifts feeling worse before.”

Then without a backward glance, he left the mess and headed for the bridge.

“Captain on the bridge,” Sulu said as Jim stepped off the turbolift.

“Status report, Mr. Sulu.”

“On course for Ceti three, sir.”

“Thank you.”

Jim picked up his PADD and didn’t even look up when the turbolift doors opened again even though he suspected it was Spock and Uhura going to their stations. A wave of nausea went through him and he closed his eyes. He could get through this. Whatever _this_ was.

Jim wasn’t sure how he got through his shift, but he made it with very little interaction with Spock or anyone. He recognized the tension on the bridge but didn’t know what to do about it. The whole crew suffered because of what was dying between him and Spock and really it was his fault. He never should have admitted his love for Spock. He could have gone on forever as just friends and this wouldn’t have happened.

Jim rose from his chair and headed for the turbolift.

“Captain?” Uhura stopped him.

“Yes, Lieutenant?”

“Are you all right, sir? You don’t look so good.”

He felt like shit and his headache was getting worse and the first thing he was going to do was go see Bones. But he just said, “I’m fine, Lieutenant.”

Jim entered the turbolift and leaned on the bulkhead. He pressed the comm. “Kirk to Medbay.”

“McCoy here. Jim? You sound worse.”

“I feel worse. I’m on my way. Kirk out.”

Jim made his way to the medbay where Bones waited for him. He helped Jim on to a biobed and hovered over him.

“What are your symptoms?”

“Headache's worse and I’m nauseous.”

Bones nodded and picked up a hypo. “When was the last time you got some sleep?”

Jim winced. “I don’t know. I’ve gotten a few hours in the last couple of weeks.”

“A few hours?” Bones scowled. “That’s not enough, Jim.”

“I _know_. I-I got used to sleeping with Spock.”

“Goddamn it Jim!” Bones stuck him with a hypo. He ran a tricorder over Jim’s body. “You’re suffering from extreme fatigue and stress.”

“No shit, Bones.” Jim sat up. “I’m gonna go to my quarters and sleep for a couple of days.”

“Your head any better?”

He nodded. “A little. Thanks.”

“When was the last time you ate? Certainly not this morning.”

“I don’t know.”

Bones sighed and went to the replicator and ordered chicken and vegetables. “Eat this. Then when you’re finished you can go to your quarters.”

“I’m too fucked up to argue with you.” Jim sat and ate the food Bones insisted on and then headed for his quarters.

He had been in there for less than five minutes when his door chimed. “Come.”

The door swished open and Spock stepped in.

Jim licked his lips and took a step forward. “Spock.”

“Jim.” Spock took several steps.

Jim met Spock in the middle and grabbed Spock’s tunic. “I’m sorry.”

“I apologize,” Spock said at the same time.

Jim laughed and kissed Spock. And kissed him. And kissed him.

Spock kissed him back, just as hard, just as deep, just as desperate. His fingers tugged the strands of Jim’s hair, bringing their mouths crushed together. Jim whimpered and practically crawled up Spock.

Finally when they could breathe no longer, they broke apart, panting, foreheads pressed against each other.

“I’m sorry,” Jim said again. “I don’t even know why we were fighting.”

“It was because—”

“Spock.” Jim laughed and kissed him again. “Just—I love you.”

Spock kissed him. “And I you. I am sorry. I should not have let this go on so long.”

“I know me too.”

“You are unwell?”

“Bones said it’s just exhaustion and stress. I have MissingSpockitis,” Jim joked.

“You must rest.”

Jim shook his head. “After you fuck me.”

“Jim.”

“Please. God, please, Spock. I’m going crazy. I need you.”

“You need rest.”

“I need you. Don’t deny me.”

“I will never deny you.”

Jim grinned. “Good. Fuck me.”

They made it over to the bed even as they tore at each other’s clothes. When they were both naked they fell on the mattress, a mass of limbs, and locked lips. Spock flipped Jim onto his stomach and reached for the lube.

“Yes, God yes,” Jim moaned as Spock prepared him. “I’m ready.”

“I will not hurt you.”

“You won’t. Do it. _Please_.”

Spock entered him, pushing deep, all the way to his balls and then he rocked into Jim, over and over, bringing Jim to the brink, then slowing the pace until Jim begged for more, begged for release.

They came together, Spock biting Jim’s shoulder as he poured into his lover.

Much later Jim stirred in Spock’s arms. He kissed Spock’s bare chest “Are we okay?”

“Yes.” Spock paused. “Are we not?”

Jim smiled. “Yeah.”

“I will not allow this to occur again, Jim.”

“Me too. That was dumb.”

“Not our finest moments,” Spock agreed. “Nyota told me I should go to you and stop being stubborn.”

“Bones told me the same thing.”

“I do love you, Jim.”

Jim closed his eyes. “I know. I’m not very good at relationships.”

“We will get better together, ashaya.”

“Definitely, sweetheart.” Jim leaned up and kissed him. ”Definitely.”   


	9. Kolinahr

Two days before they were to formally bond on New Vulcan, Spock lost Jim. It was an ordinary mission, or so everyone had thought. Jim had stayed behind on a ship they’d found drifting until everyone else had made it back safely. When the transporter chief went to beam Jim aboard the Enterprise nothing happened.

Then Mr. Scott attempted to do it. Nothing. Then they’d scanned the drifting ship and there’d been no life signs. Still Spock wanted to beam back on board the drifting ship to see for himself. No one had let him go and James Tiberius Kirk had been declared officially dead.

Spock didn’t know how he’d made it for the rest the mission, only a few months left of their five years. He’d been made captain but Spock hadn’t cared one bit for it. No one did. It was a bitter, sorrowful few months where no one took joy in anything.

At the end, when they’d returned to Earth, Spock had been asked to continue as captain for another five year mission. He had resigned from Starfleet instead. Without Jim, Spock had no interest in it anymore. He’d started before he met Jim, but now it was empty and unfulfilling.

Spock had already had a link with Jim, the beginnings of their bond, but the link was gone when Jim died. The loss of Jim had been the worse heartache Spock had ever endured. So when he left Starfleet and went to live on New Vulcan, he decided the answer to losing Jim was to undergo Kolinahr.

****

Spock knelt on the ground before the high priestess as he prepared to undergo another requirement for Kolinahr. He’d already been through two years of the process. He bowed his head.

Behind the high priestess, someone arrived and began speaking in low tones to the Vulcans who accompanied her. Spock looked up and saw that the priestess had turned to see who dared interrupt.

One of them came up to her and spoke in a low voice. She narrowed her eyes and then turned to Spock.

“There is someone who wishes to speak to thee urgently.”

Spock did not reply as he was uncertain who would dare to contact him on New Vulcan.

“Stand, Spock,” she told him, so he did. “Speak to this outworlder.”

He opened his mouth to ask who it was, but Spock thought better of it. She already showed her disapproval for the message. Spock followed the Vulcan who had come to convey the message into a room.

When Spock sat before the terminal he was surprised to see Nyota Uhura staring back at him. There were tears in her eyes.

“Spock! I wasn’t sure they’d let me talk to you.”

“You have interrupted an important ceremony,” Spock said stiffly.

She bit her lip, looking uncertain. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have bothered you for anything else, Spock.”

“Anything else?”

Nyota nodded, then leaned forward. “It’s Jim. They found him.”

Spock felt nothing at her words. The Kolinahr was already working. “You speak of his body. Where did they find it?”

“No!” She shook her head rapidly, her dangling earrings making a bell-like noise. “Not his body, Spock. They found _him_. He’s alive.”

“How?”

“He’d been abducted by Romulans and held as a slave in a mining colony on Ceti-Alpha 12 ever since his disappearance. He’s been brought to Earth. I don’t know what shape he’s in, Spock. I haven’t seen him yet. Leonard contacted me.”

Spock clenched his fists. “Thank you for the information.”

She stared at him. “That’s it? Spock, are you coming?”

“I do not know.”

“You don’t know?” Nyota exclaimed. “Spock! This is _Jim_.”

“I heard you the first time. There is no malfunction in my hearing.”

She gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. “You heartless, unfeeling bastard!”

The screen went blank leaving Spock staring at nothing.

****

Leonard pulled aside the curtains to let light into the hospital room.

“He looks so thin,” Nyota said, hugging herself as she gazed down at her former captain.

“He was in pretty bad shape when they found him in the slave colony. They all were. They barely gave them enough food to survive and most of them would fight each other for it.”

“Fucking Romulans. I can’t believe we didn’t know they had him there for so long.”

“We all thought he was dead, Nyota.”

“I know but what he must have gone through.” She sighed. “I can’t imagine it.”

At least they had found him. He didn’t want to think about Jim’s fate if they never had. Leonard swallowed the lump in his throat. “Yeah, me too.”

“And the amnesia?”

“Temporary. I think. Probably part of the trauma. They fucked around with his brain some. Near as we can figure out they abducted him off that ship that was adrift at the same time as we were trying to beam him back onto the Enterprise.” Leonard scowled. “Don’t even think they knew who they were getting at the time. It’s hard to tell since he can’t really answer any questions yet.”

She touched Jim’s hand. “Thank God we have him back. Everyone’s so excited and happy.”

Leonard grimaced and shook his head. “Not everyone.”

“I know,” Nyota said softly. She shook her head. “I was so certain. I don’t know him anymore.”

“None of us do, apparently. Wonder if we ever really did.” Leonard leaned down to brush Jim’s hair off his forehead. “Maybe it’s just as well Jim doesn’t remember any of us. I can’t imagine how he’d feel if he knew.”

“But if…when he gets his memory back, Leonard, he’s gonna know,” Nyota pointed out.

“We’ll have to prepare him for that before.” He jabbed a hypo into Jim’s neck.

Jim’s eyes fluttered open, the familiar blue alighting on Leonard’s face. “Hello.”

Leonard smiled. “Hey, you. How do you feel?”

“Like someone just stuck me with something sharp in the neck.”

“Other than that?” When they’d brought Jim back he’d been starving, dirty and hairy, covered in long hair and a beard that hadn’t seen water in many days. Quite a contrast from the clean-shaved, short haired man now blinking warily at Leonard.

“A little hungry,” Jim said hesitantly. Then he turned his head to look at Nyota. “Hello again.”

“Hi yourself, handsome.”

“I’ll bring you something to eat,” Leonard promised. “You want to sit up and talk to Nyota?”

“Sure,” Jim agreed.

Leonard maneuvered the hospital bed so Jim was sitting up. He squeezed Jim’s hand. “Be right back.”

He stepped out into the hall and collided with a solid body. “Whoa!”

“Doctor,” Spock said coolly.

Leonard stared at the Vulcan all dressed in somber black. Spock looked somehow more severe than he’d looked when Leonard had last seen him. He suspected it was the Kolinahr. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I was summoned by Nyota Uhura.”

“She said you weren’t coming.”

“She was incorrect. Excuse me, I am going to see Jim.”

“Spock, wait—”

But of course the hobgoblin ignored him and went into Jim’s room. Leonard hurried after him.

“Jim,” Spock said, approaching Jim’s bed.

Jim frowned and shrank back against the bed. “Who are you?”

Spock froze.

“Jim,” Nyota said gently.

“That’s what I was trying to tell you, you half-witted Vulcan,” Leonard said.

“I know him too?” Jim asked, his blue eyes wide. His frown deepened and he winced. “It hurts.”

Spock had not moved, just continued to stare at Jim.

“Out of the way, Spock.” Leonard pushed him aside. “It’s okay, Jim. You don’t have to think so hard. It’ll come back to you.”

“You sure?” Jim asked.

“Of course,” Leonard said with more certainty than he actually felt.

Jim looked past Leonard to Spock. “So, um, sorry. Spock? Is that your name?”

“Yes,” Spock whispered.

“Yeah, sorry. I guess, you know, I don’t really remember anyone. The doctor here says it’s part of the trauma I suffered.” Jim licked his lips. “Were you on my ship? They said I was a starship captain.”

“Yes,” Spock said. “I was your first officer as well as your science officer.”

“Oh.” Jim nodded. “Okay.”

Spock stepped closer. “We were also romantically involved.”

Leonard rolled his eyes. “Spock, I don’t think this is the time.”

“When will the time be, doctor?” Spock asked stiffly. “We shared a mind link.”

Jim was frowning again. “A mind link? What the hell is that?”

“A Vulcan bond. We were about to formalize it when you were abducted, Captain…Jim.”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t know what any of that means.”

Spock inclined his head. “I intend to show you.”

“Show me?”

“With a mind meld.”

“Now just a damn minute, are you out of your Vulcan mind?” Leonard exclaimed. “You can’t just show up here and demand a meld with Jim!”

Spock didn’t even look at Leonard when he answered, “Jim is my mate, my t’hy’la.”

“I don’t care about that Vulcan voodoo crap.”

“Voodoo?” Jim repeated uncertainly. “Listen, trying to remember hurts so—”

“It is likely because our link has been damaged by your abduction and captivity. It is closed off, as though it never existed. But it is seeking out to be healed. If we meld I will be able to mend the bond.”

“Doctor?” Jim asked.

“I don’t know enough about it to agree to this. You could do further damage.”

“Negative. I am the last one who would try to hurt him,” Spock said softly.

Leonard scowled. “Can I see you outside? You, too, Nyota.” Leonard patted Jim’s leg. “We’ll be right back.”

Jim waved wearily and closed his eyes.

When they were outside the hospital room, Leonard turned on Spock. “Last I heard you didn’t even want to come here to see him and now you’re gonna mess with his mind? Weren’t you undergoing Kolinahr?”

“Kolinahr is no longer possible or necessary, doctor. You are well aware of my reason for considering it. That reason is inside this room. You know of the regard he held for me before we were separated. If I can assist in his recovery, what is your objection?”

“What if it damages his mind further?”

“It will not. It is not invasive in the way what the Romulans did to him was. And if I believe that it is harming him, I will end it immediately. After all of this time of knowing me I cannot help but be surprised that you do not know I would never harm him.”

Leonard deflated at that. Spock might be a pain in the ass with a heart made of ice but if there was anyone Spock cared about it was Jim. Leonard could not…would not…deny this. He nodded. “Very well. But only if he agrees.”

“Acceptable.” Spock turned to go into the room.

Nyota touched Leonard’s arm. “It’ll be okay, Leonard.”

“I hope so.”

They went back after Spock, who already stood beside Jim’s bed.

“He has agreed,” Spock announced.

“Have you?” Leonard asked.

Spock arched a brow.

“Yeah.” Jim licked his lips. “Yeah. I’m not sure how much longer I can take not remembering anything.”

“Okay.” Leonard nodded. “But we’ll be right here and if I think it’s hurting you—”

“May I proceed, doctor?” Spock asked, his hand already raised to Jim’s face.

“Fine.”

“My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts.”

And as Leonard watched, both of their faces went blank, their jaws slack. He’d seen his share of melds before. Not always between Spock and Jim. And even had Spock do one on him a time or two. He didn’t like them, though.

Leonard fidgeted as the meld went on and he noticed even Nyota paced restlessly. He kept looking at the clock and looking at Jim, but there was no sign his friend was in pain.

Finally with a shuttered breath, Jim’s eyes focused and Spock’s hand dropped from his face.

“Spock,” Jim whispered. “Kolinahr?”

“Without you, I chose not to feel, ashaya,” Spock said, his fingers now caressing Jim’s jaw.

Jim’s eyes welled with tears. “Thank you. For bringing me back.”

“Thank you for coming back.”

They kissed long and slow and Leonard’s heart about beat out of his chest.

“Jim?!”

They broke the kiss, and Jim smiled. “Hey, Bones.”

And hearing Jim call him _Bones_ was the sweetest thing.

“Hot damn, it worked, didn’t it? That Vulcan voodoo worked! You remember.”

Jim nodded, his eyes losing some of their happiness. “Some of it I’d rather forget.”

“T’hy’la.” Spock kissed him.

Leonard came close and before anyone could stop him, if they had dared, he leaned close and hugged Jim tight.

“Hey, Bones,” Jim said, hugging him back. “I love you, too.”

Leonard nodded, unable to speak.

“Hey! Can a girl get one of those?” Nyota asked, wiping away tears of her own.

“Group hug, everyone!” Jim announced. And they all wrapped their arms around each other, even Spock, Leonard couldn’t help but notice.

It wasn’t over. Not for Jim. Not for any of them, Leonard knew. Jim had a long recovery ahead of him. But he was here…and alive.    


	10. The Date

“When was the last time we went on a date?” Nyota asked after she commed him.

Spock did not know nor did he care, actually. He had never much appreciated human dating practices and had only agreed to dinner and movie dates with Nyota to please her.

“I do not know,” he answered honestly. “The captain—”

“Is awake. And doing fine. Leonard said so. You even told me yourself that he was awake and seemed to be making a full recovery, Spock. You’ve been at the hospital for two weeks. You deserve a night out with your girlfriend.”

Nyota put an emphasis on that last word that Spock did not find pleasant. He did not want to leave his captain’s side. But neither could he find a reasonable objection to Nyota’s request.

“Very well.”

She laughed. “You don’t have to sound like you’re dreading it, you know. It will be nice. Dinner just the two of us and then back to my apartment. You need this, Spock. We both do. Meet me for dinner at 1900 hundred hours at Le Chateau.”

Spock agreed and closed his communicator. He was outside his captain’s room now, so he went back into the room.

Dr. McCoy was speaking to the captain in a low voice, but they both stopped talking and looked at Spock when he came back.

“Everything all right?” the captain asked, with a tentative smile.

“Yes, Captain. It was Nyota. She requested to go to dinner this evening.”

“Oh.” The captain nodded.

Spock stepped forward. “If you require my presence, I will inform Nyota that I must cancel.”

“No, no, Spock.” The captain smiled, shaking his head. “Don’t be silly. Bones told me you’ve been here a lot. You deserve a break. I don’t know how you could have stood being here that often as it is.”

“I was gratified to witness your health improving.”

“And I’m really glad you’ve been here,” the captain said. “Really. But you should go to dinner with Nyota. I’m sure she misses you.”

“Yes, Captain.” Spock did not like it one bit.

****

Spock had made it through the dinner with Nyota at Le Chateau. She’d chatted through most of it about people they knew and some Spock did not know. Mutual acquaintances, crew members, Nyota’s family. He was fairly certain he made the required appropriate responses.

His mind had not been on any of it. His mind had been with his captain. Lately, his mind was always on his captain. Spock tried to recall a recent time when it had not been, but it was difficult. Even before Captain Kirk had died fixing the Enterprise’s warp core, Spock spent a great deal of his time with his mind occupied by his captain.

They made it back to Nyota’s apartment and Spock knew by the amorous way she was acting that she intended for them to engage in sexual intercourse. It had been months since they had. Prior to the incident with Khan they had been having problems and Nyota had not been happy with his actions related to Nibiru. Spock had suspected Nyota wanted to terminate their relationship then so he had been surprised when she had not.

Now it was clear to him that she wished to continue their romantic relationship. Only—

Nyota turned on one light in her apartment as they stepped inside. Spock hadn’t been in her apartment for many months, but it still looked the same.

“Do you want a drink, Spock?”

“No, thank you, Nyota.” Spock went to her windows and looked out at the San Francisco skyline. His mind was on the captain, wondering if he was sleeping enough. He had looked just a little pale when Spock had taken his leave. Dr. McCoy had not seemed concerned, but Spock—

Nyota’s arms wrapped around him from behind. “You seem a million kilometers away, Spock.” She urged him to turn toward her, so he did. She looped her arms around his neck. “Maybe I can distract you from whatever is on your mind.”

And then she kissed him. Her lips were soft and a little sweet from the sweet wine she’d drank at dinner and Spock tried to make himself kiss her back but Captain Kirk’s face appeared in his mind. Spock blinked and stepped back.

Nyota frowned. “What is it?”

Spock gently removed her arms from around his neck. “Nyota, I—”

“It’s him, isn’t it?” she asked, sharply. “It’s Kirk.”

He was not surprised she had figured it out so quickly. Nyota had always been astute. But he did not reply.

She blew out a breath and turned from him, her shoulders tense, anger radiating from her. “I knew it. I tried to tell myself I was imagining it.”

“I apologize.”

Her laugh was bitter. “For what? Choosing Kirk over me?”

Spock hesitated. “It was not my intention to cause you pain.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me, Spock? Why did you make me go through all this? Trying to get you to be with _me_ , when it was him you wanted?”

“I thought perhaps I was mistaken,” Spock admitted. “I was not.”

“Does he feel the same way?”

“I do not know.”

Nyota shook her head. “I guess it doesn’t matter to us if he does or not.” She turned back to face him. “You’re in love with him?”

He was, Spock realized. Had been for a very long time. Perhaps as far back as their battle with Nero. And somehow _this_ , Spock decided, was what his counterpart had meant when he had encouraged Spock to stay with Starfleet. To do what feels right.

“Yes,” Spock answered simply.

“I see.”

“I apologize for hurting you, Nyota.”

She turned away again. “I think you should leave.”

“Nyota—”

“Please, Spock. Just go.” She walked away then, toward her bedroom.

Spock quietly left her apartment. But he realized he did not want to go back to his own empty apartment and he made his way back to the hospital. It was late, but Spock had been given special access to the Starfleet hospital by Dr. McCoy, so he input his code, entered the hospital, and went up to the captain’s room.

There was one light on in the room, near the captain’s bed. Spock was quiet as he entered the room, but even as he approached the bed, the captain’s gaze swept over him.

“Spock?”

“I did not mean to disturb your rest.”

He frowned. “You didn’t. I wasn’t asleep.” He gestured to a book that was laid across his lap. “But what are you doing here? Thought you had a date with Uhura.”

“It is over.”

“Oh. I figured you’d spend the night.” Then his cheeks turned red.

“You misunderstand,” Spock said quietly. “My romantic relationship with Nyota is over.”

The captain’s blue eyes widened. “It is? You…are you all right?”

Spock nodded. “I am not emotionally compromised.”

“Still, I’m sorry.” He licked his lips. “You’re sure this is what you want?”

“I do not regret it. I do, however, regret causing Nyota pain.”

“So you ended it?”

“It was decided on mutually.” Spock hesitated. “I am not certain where it now stands between us. I hope she will be my friend.”

The captain nodded. “Why are you here, Spock? It’s kind of late.”

“I wished to see you,” Spock said honestly. He sat on the hospital bed. “If I may?” When he nodded, Spock touched his fingers to the captain’s forehead and let Jim feel the depth of his regard.

His captain gasped, stared wide-eyed at Spock. “You? Me?”

Spock’s heart beat fast. “Yes.”

He had no idea what his captain’s reaction would be to his reveal of his feelings. Spock thought it possible Jim returned his feelings, but he was uncertain. He hoped he had not miscalculated by allowing Jim to know.

Jim continued to stare at him for so long that Spock’s heart sank and he began to lose hope.

“If I—”

Jim cut off his words when he grabbed the back of Spock’s neck and brought their lips together. At first Spock was surprised so he did not react. When Jim started to pull away, Spock shook his head and wrapped his arms around Jim’s back and held him.

Jim pulled back enough to meet Spock’s gaze. His blue eyes were shining.

“May I assume you share my regard?” Spock asked hopefully.

Jim gave him a brilliant smile. “Yeah, you may assume.”

And Spock cupped Jim’s jaw and brought their mouths together once more.


	11. What Next, Spock?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Kirk Prime and Spock Prime and takes place after Star Trek The Motion Picture and before The Wrath of Khan.

Jim stood out on the balcony of his rented San Francisco apartment. He surveyed the city. For years he hadn’t seen it—preferring—needing to spend all his time in space. But then they’d gone and promoted him. Admiral Kirk.

For a while he’d had his ship back. Only the Enterprise had changed so much, it wasn’t really his ship. All the young crew and the young captain, Decker, they’d proved that to Jim.

The sliding door of his balcony opened, but Jim did not turn around. “I hope you brought me some coffee, Bones.”

“I am not Bones but I have brought your coffee.”

Jim turned at once. “Spock!”

Spock inclined his head and handed the mug of coffee he held to Jim. “Dr. McCoy informed me you were out here. Ruminating, he said.”

Jim laughed. “Sounds like Bones. I wasn’t expecting you tonight, Spock. But it’s good to see you.”

Spock stood before him, his hands linked together, held behind his back. His expression was somber. When the silence stretched between them, Jim sought for something to say.

“You really aren’t going to complete Kolinahr?”

“No, there is no purpose for it now.” Spock went to the railing of the balcony. “Will you stay here in San Francisco?”

“For the most part, yes. I plan to spend a couple of months out of the year in Iowa when I can.” Jim stood next to Spock and faced him. “And you? I heard you’re staying with Starfleet.”

“That is correct. I will be training officers and working on the Kobayashi Maru simulators.”

“I can’t imagine anyone more suited to it,” Jim said, smiling.

Spock gazed at Jim for a long time in silence and Jim began to wonder what was on Spock’s mind. It was unlike his former first to be so pensive.

“What’s on your mind, Spock?” Jim asked, when he could stand it no longer.

“Before I left Earth for Vulcan, you and I shared a mind meld.”

Jim nodded. “I remember.”

“During the meld I discovered details I had not been aware of previously,” Spock said carefully.

“Spock.” Jim tried to keep the impatience from his tone, but it was difficult. “What is it?”

Spock straightened. “Very well. At the time I discovered through our meld that you were in love with me.”

Jim’s heart thudded fast and hard in his chest just like that. Calm to freaked in less than five seconds. Spock knew? But Jim had always thought he hid it so well. He turned away from Spock to face the city.

“I didn’t think you knew,” Jim said after a while. “I wasn’t sure I ever wanted you to know.” He sighed. “Even before you left me.”

“I was not leaving you, Jim.”

“It felt like it. And now that I know you knew of my feelings…it feels like it more. You found out I loved you and you fled to Vulcan. For Kolinahr. How am I supposed to take that, Spock?”

“Regrets are illogical and yet I have a few,” Spock admitted. “I was unprepared for the response I had upon learning of your feelings.”

“And that was?”

“You have been and always shall be my friend, Jim. I have none greater. I repressed any deeper feelings for you during our time together on the Enterprise. You were my commanding officer and you were very much interested in others. Until that final meld, I had not guessed you were repressing feelings of your own.”

“So, what are you trying to say, Spock? You were in love with me too and couldn’t handle it so you went to Vulcan?”

Spock hesitated. “Essentially, yes.”

Jim sighed, sorrow filling him. “And now?”

“Now, if you are agreeable, I would like to explore our mutual feelings for each other.”

Whatever he’d expected Spock to say, that had not been it.

“You must understand, Jim, how difficult it has been to acknowledge my all too human emotions when I spent my life seeking only to live a logical existence. Only you have been able to change that. It is only you who has even made me wish to change that.”

Hope blossomed in Jim’s chest. Hope for something he had never imagined having. _Spock_. That was not entirely true. He had imagined it, even dreamed it. But he had never thought it would be his.

Jim took a step toward Spock until they stood very close. He grabbed Spock’s biceps, squeezing gently. He smiled. “I’m agreeable, Spock.” He held up his index and middle fingers. “Is this right? The Vulcan kiss?”

“It is.” Spock touched his to Jim’s.

“I remember seeing your parents do this often.”

“They did.” Spock dipped his head until their lips were an inch apart. “They also shared human kisses on occasion.”

And then Spock’s lips descended on his. 


	12. The Prisoner

So this was the way it was going to end, Jim thought. On the floor of a tiny, dank, smelly prison where every breath he took ached like he was being stabbed. They’d probably punctured his lungs.  

He’d been stabbed, phasered, beaten, brutalized. He tasted blood and vomit when he swallowed. His left eye was partially swollen shut and the cut beneath his right eye stung.

Yeah, Jim Kirk was a mess. And probably would die there.

Bones would be sad or maybe mad. All that work he’d done bringing Jim back to life and for what? This.

And Spock? How would Spock feel? They’d just become really good friends. Sharing chess games, meals, all their spare time really. Jim wanted it to be more, wasn’t sure what Spock wanted. Not yet anyway. And now…it wouldn’t matter.

“Keptin?” Chekov’s hoarse, weak voice came from the cell next door.

Jim thought maybe he sounded worse than Jim, which worried him. If he was gonna die, that was what life had dealt him. He was used to life sucking. But Chekov? That kid deserved more. More than dying in a tiny cell on some god-forsaken planet.

“Here, kid,” he called back to the young ensign.

“Do you think the Enterprise will come for us?”

They would, Jim had no doubt about that. He just figured it would be too late. At least for him. The pain in his lungs was excruciating now and it was making him wheeze. Badly.

“Yeah, they’ll come, Pavel.”

“Are you okay, Keptin?”

“I’m fine,” he lied.

“They will find us, Keptin. You will see. Mr. Spock will be here soon,” Chekov said, cheerfully. But it rang false like he was trying to convince himself as much as Jim.

Jim coughed and the taste of blood became more pronounced. “Listen, kid, when they come and rescue you—”

“Rescue us.”

Jim closed his eyes as a wave of nausea hit him. “I don’t want you to think any of this was your fault.”

“Keptin—”

“No, wait. You have to let me say this. I think I’m gonna lose consciousness pretty soon.” Jim tried to focus on what he wanted to say. “I don’t regret going back for you, okay? I’m just sorry I couldn’t get you out of here myself.”

“Keptin, do not talk like that, Mr. Spock will save us.” He sounded like he might be crying.

“Yeah.”

“He will.”

“I know, Pavel,” Jim said wearily, closing his eyes.

“Keptin?”

“Yeah?”

“I think you should keep talking,” Chekov said.

Jim blinked slowly. ”Why?”

“So I will know.”

“Know?”

“That you are still alive,” Chekov said softy.

“I’m tired.”

“You can sleep in Dr. McCoy’s medbay when we are rescued. For days if you wish. But for now you must stay awake.”

“I don’t think I can. I feel…floaty.” It wasn’t unlike the way he’d felt when he was dying of radiation poisoning. He’d been hotter then, like he was burning from the inside out, but the same floaty feeling he’d felt then he felt now. Like he was in between life and death.

“Tell me about Iowa.”

Jim’s chin fell forward. “Huh?”

“I want to hear you talk about where you grew up, Keptin,” Chekov said, sounding a little panicky.

“No you don’t. Boring.”

“Why is it boring?”

“Chekov.”

“Then tell me how you reprogrammed the Kobayashi Maru.”

“Tired. Everything hurts. Just wanna go to sleep.”

“No, Keptin! You cannot!”

“Why?”

“You-you won’t wake up. Please, Keptin, I am afraid.”

Jim forced his eyes open with difficulty. “You’ll be okay.”

“We both will,” Chekov insisted.

“Yeah, all right.” His eyes drifted closed again.

“Keptin?”

Jim tried to make himself answer Chekov but he couldn’t seem to make the words come out any longer. The ensign kept calling for him with rising terror but no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t answer.

This is it, he thought.

Then he heard the sound of a transporter being activated and running. And then…nothing.

When his eyes flickered open the sound of a chair scraping against the floor penetrated the haze of his mind. The lights above him were excruciatingly bright and he squinted, feeling a little like a mole.

“Captain? Jim?” Spock’s voice. Sounded both frantic and relieved at the same time. Weird.

Jim licked his lips. “Spock?”

Spock appeared in his vision, blocking the too bright lights. He hand trembled as he touched Jim’s cheek. “I-I am gratified you are awake.”

“Too bright.”

“Captain?”

“Lights.”

Spock nodded and called for someone behind him to dim the lights.

When they were dimmed, Jim smiled. Or thought he did. “Thanks.”

“You are welcome.” Spock’s shaking fingers still stroked Jim’s cheek.

“Hey, you okay? You’re shaking.”

“I…am having some difficulty,” Spock admitted.

“What is it?”

“I was afraid I had lost you.”

“Oh.” Jim swallowed. “You almost did.”

Spock let out a shaky breath. “I am aware.”

“How’s Chekov?”

“He is recovering,” Spock said. “His injuries were not as severe as yours and he has been released from the medbay.”

“Good.” Jim searched Spock’s gaze. “Am I gonna be okay?”

“Yes. I reached you in time. But I almost did not.”

Jim smiled. “You did and that’s what matters. Spock?”

“Yes, Jim?”

“You know I’m crazy for you, right?”

Spock’s dark eyes softened. “The lunacy is very mutual.”

Jim laughed. “Glad to hear it. When I get out of here I’ll show you just how much.”

“I look forward to it.” Spock straightened. “Here is Dr. McCoy.”

“Jim! It’s about damn time,” Bones exclaimed. “You’re trying to kill me, I know it.”

He smiled. “Hi Bones.”

Bones smiled back. “Hi yourself. Let me check you out.” He glanced at Spock. “You have to let go of him, Spock.” Then to Jim’s surprise, Bones patted Spock’s arm. “Just for a moment. I promise.”

Spock stepped away from Jim but still within sight and he kept his gaze locked with Jim’s the whole time.  


	13. Bad News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is a little sad, I'm in a sad mood.  
> Kinda short too, so sorry for that

I had just finished talking to my mom when the chime on my door rang. Swallowing heavily, I wiped my face, and called out, “Enter.”

Spock came into my quarters, hands clenched behind his back. “Captain, are you all right?”

I was surprised by the immediate question. I’d thought I had myself somewhat under control. “Yeah,” I said, in full denial. “What can I do for you, Mr. Spock?”

He took a step closer, placing himself in my personal space. “You are not. I see the distress in your eyes.”

“It’s…nothing.”

Spock continued to stare at me, waiting for something. I guessed for me to confess what ailed me.

“I just talked to my mother,” I said, unable to remain stoic under that intense stare.

“Your conversation was unpleasant?”

I turned away then. “She’s…she’s sick. They don’t really know what’s wrong with her. They’ve done all kinds of tests, you know? But they still don’t know.”

Spock put his hands on my arms and turned me back to look at him. His dark eyes had softened. “I grieve with thee.”

“Thanks.” I swallowed the heavy lump, shook my head. He pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me. I leaned into him, put my arms around him. This was still new to us. Barely acknowledged a few days earlier. “I’m sorry.”

“Why do you apologize?” he asked, leaning down just a bit to kiss the top of my head.

“Too much emotion?” I suggested. “It’s just…I’m not ready to lose her too.”

“It is never easy to lose someone we care about let alone a parent,” Spock agreed. “Perhaps they will be able to determine why she is sick and be able to help her.”

I nodded against him. “I hope so. I don’t want to be alone.”

His arms tightened around me. “I promise you, you will not be alone while I draw breath.”

I pulled back and gazed into those fathomless chocolate eyes. “Yeah?”

His fingers gripped my jaw and he kissed me gently. “Yes, Jim.”


	14. Shore Leave

“Captain Kirk, right?”

I glanced to the side where the Andorian male had squeezed between me and the Tellarite male sitting on my left. The Andorian’s antennae twittered. I sipped my whiskey. “Yeah.”

“You’re famous you know,” the Andorian declared with a throaty chuckle.

“Is that right?”

“Oh yeah. Everyone in the galaxy knows you.” His blue hand covered the hand I had resting on the bar. “I’m Shras,  _Captain_.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Shras.”

Shras scooted even closer to me. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. “Are you on shore leave, Captain?”

“My name is Jim, you don’t have to call me captain.”

“I like it though.” He lowered his voice. “I imagine screaming it while you fuck me until I can’t stand up.”

It was a good thing I hadn't taken another sip of the whiskey just then or I would have spit it out. “You’re certainly bold, Shras.”

“I don’t see the point in not getting straight to the point. I knew I wanted you the minute I saw you from across the room.” Shras licked his lips. “Your eyes match my skin.”

“I haven’t heard that one before,” I admitted.

“Good, I don’t want to be just like everyone else,” Shras said, his hand gripping mine.

“Captain.”

I shouldn’t have been surprised by the coolly spoken word directly to my right, but part of me was. I hadn’t expected him to come down to the planet let alone the bar. I turned. “Hey, Spock.”

Spock looked past me to the Andorian. “Who is this?”

I shrugged. “Shras. This is my first officer, Spock.”

Shras shrank back a little. “I’m sorry but I’m only interested in humans. I’m not into Vulcans.”

Spock stared at him. “How fortunate for Vulcans.” He turned his gaze back to me. “Captain, if I may have a word?”

“Aren't you on shore leave?” Shras asked, indignant.

I smiled and eased off the bar stool. “Duty calls. Sorry.”

I left Shras sputtering as Spock and I walked away from the bar.

“Thanks for that, by the way.”

Spock arched a brow. “You could have simply said no.”

“I would have gotten around to it eventually.”

“You did not wish to copulate with the Andorian?”

I choked on a laugh at Spock’s casually spoken words. He could have been talking about the planet’s two suns. “Not really. Wasn’t in the mood to hook up. So, what did you want, Spock?”

“If you do not mind, I will wait until we return to the ship to discuss it,” Spock replied.

“Suit yourself. You could have just commed me.”

“It seemed prudent to come in person. Nyota had informed me you were coming here with Dr. McCoy and Mr. Scott. Did you lose them?”

I stood next to Spock at the transport spot. “They lost me actually.”

Spock flipped open his communicator. “Energize.”

Seconds later we re-merged on the Enterprise. “Explain,” Spock said as we stepped down and walked out of the transporter room.

“Meaning they both hooked up down there,” I told him. We were somehow automatically making our way to my quarters. I wasn't sure why we both headed that way, but we did.

I coded in our entry and Spock followed me inside. I turned to him. “All right, what ship business was so important you wanted me to come back to the ship?”

Spock arched a brow. “There was nothing important regarding the ship, Captain.”

I frowned. “There wasn't?”

Spock shook his head. “I did not say it was ship business.”

“Well, yeah, that’s right, you didn't.” I shrugged. “Okay, then what did you want, Spock?”

“I did not wish for you to copulate with the Andorian or anyone else down on the planet.”

“Wh-what?”

Spock cleared his throat and dutifully repeated himself.

“No, Spock, I heard you. But—since when has who I sleep with been your concern?”

He stepped close to me. Close enough to touch, to smell, to devour if I wanted to. I did, of course, but this was Spock and we were friends. Not anything else. Or I didn't think so.

“Since I have discovered I would rather you sleep with me.”

I blinked rapidly, my breath catching in my throat. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“I am uncertain I could say it any plainer, Jim.”

 I licked my dry lips. “Well, you could just come out and say it.”

“I did.”

“No.” I shook my head, smiling. My heart beat fast, my pulse pounding. “Here, let me. I desperately want you to fuck me, Spock.”

The eyebrow shot up again. “That is quite blunt.”

I grabbed the collar of his blue science shirt and pulled him against me. “Yep. You gonna do anything about it or what?”

His gaze went to my lips and his hands slid down to my ass. “I believe I can accommodate you.”

I burst out laughing just as his lips descended on mine. Spock made a low humming sound that instantly quieted my laugh. His lips were soft and warm, and damn…Spock could kiss.

I moaned and pulled him closer, opening my mouth to his tongue, which instantly penetrated inside, his hot tongue swirling with mine. His fingers squeezed my ass cheeks and he rubbed his erection against the bulge in my own pants.

“Jesus, Spock,” I gasped, my eyelids drifting half closed as he grazed his lips against my stubbled jaw.  I clung to his shoulders even as his teeth nipped my jawline.  

“Bed,” he growled.

I wasn't about to argue and I let him back me toward my bunk. The backs of my knees hit the mattress and Spock was pushing me down, covering me with his body which felt heavy and muscular as his lips took possession of my lips once more.

We didn't come up for air for a long time as his fingers worked at the fastenings of my pants. When he had them undone, he undid his own, then pulled both our cocks out.

He closed his fist around the heads and jerked us together, even while I clung to him feasting on his mouth, his tongue. I couldn't get enough. I arched up to his touch, loving the feel of our cock heads stroking against each other, his fingers curling around my achingly hard flesh.

It was too much, too intense, jolts of pleasure shooting through me, tightening my balls. I whimpered into his mouth and his hand moved faster, harder, jerking us both at a frantic pace neither of us could fight against.

I wrenched my mouth away to gasp, “Spock” just as come spurted from my cock onto his fingers. Spock quaked and as I looked down at our cocks, I saw cum from his joining mine all over his fist.

Spock pulled me close, and I laid my head on his chest, panting. When I could speak, I said, “That took the edge off.”

“Indeed,” he murmured.

“Not that I’m complaining or anything, Spock, but how long have you harbored these feelings for me?”

“Do you really wish to know?”

“Yeah.”

“Since…I choked you on the bridge of the Enterprise.”

I blinked and sat up, staring at him. “What?”

“I touched your mind. I recognized you were my bondmate. My t’hy’la.” Spock hesitated. “Do you know what that is?”

I nodded, feeling a little numb. “I've read about it.”

“I did not want to believe that is what you were, because—”

“You wanted to hate me.”

“Yes.” His dark eyes grew sorrowful. “I fought my feelings for you because I felt too much for you. I did not like the loss of control. And then you died and I have never felt such pain.”

I swallowed. “Why haven’t you said anything before?”

“Why haven’t you?”

“Yeah.” I ran my hand over my hair. “Yeah. You’re right. I've not admitted I love you either. But I do. I do, Spock.”

His smile was gentle. “I am gratified. Perhaps rather than focusing on the mistakes of our past, we can focus on our future.”

I smiled and lay down on his chest again. “I’d like that. And you know what?”

“What, Jim?’

“Like I said, that took the edge off, but I want more.”

“More?”

I nodded. “I still want you to fuck me into the mattress.”

Spock flipped me under him. And his lips hovered over mine. “I believe I can accommodate you,” he said once again.


	15. Interference

Jim spotted his mother down the corridor as soon as he beamed onto the space station. She was waiting for him, so he hurried toward her, leaving his two companions behind.

“Mom!”

She embraced him or maybe he embraced her. It didn’t matter. They were hugging and holding each other so tight, Jim could hardly breathe.

“Sweetie,” she whispered next to his ear. “It’s been so long.”

“Too long,” Jim agreed, tightening his hold. Maybe they could stand here like this all day. It would be okay with him.

But then Bones was clearing his throat and Jim reluctantly eased out of his mother’s arms. He turned to smile at his friends.

“Mom, this is Bones.”

“Leonard McCoy, ma’am,” Bones said, offering her his hand to shake.

She smiled and shook it. “Jimmy talks about you all the time. May I call you Leonard?”

“I’d like that.”

“And I’m Winona.”

Bones returned her smile. “Nice to meet you, Winona.”

Jim turned to Spock. “And this is my first officer, Spock. My mother, Winona Kirk.”

“It is an honor to meet you, Commander,” Spock said.

“It’s wonderful to meet you, too, Mr. Spock. But please, it’s Winona.” Her smile got a little watery as she gazed at Bones and Spock. “I can’t thank you enough, either of you, for what you did for my son…for me.”

Jim could see they were both uncomfortable by her words. Spock’s cheeks were flushed green and Bones shifted nervously. He took pity on them. “Mom.”

Her eyes looked wet too, but she smiled. “I know.” She took his hand in hers. “I just…you’re alive and I get to touch you. It’s a little overwhelming.”

He squeezed her hand and tried not to let her emotions overwhelm his. Getting all weepy in front of Bones and Spock was not something Jim wanted to do. “For me, too.”

“Shall we go to lunch?” his mom suggested then.

Bones shook his head. “Actually, Winona, Spock and I have to take care of getting some much needed medical supplies.

“Just you and I then, Jimmy?”

“Sounds perfect to me,” Jim told her. He was glad actually, because he selfishly wanted his mother to himself for a little while. He hardly got to see her since she was stationed on this particular Space Station. “I’ll catch you two later.”

“Yes, Captain,” Spock said as he turned to follow Bones.

“I like them,” his mom said, as she looped her arm with his and they headed down the corridor. They got seated at the restaurant and they chose to sit close. “You look good. Tired though.”

“I’m always tired,” Jim admitted. “I don’t get nearly enough sleep. But you? You look great.”

She rolled her eyes. “If you say so.”

“I do.”

Just then their waitress appeared at their table. She eyed Jim. “What can I get you, honey?”

“He’s a captain,” his mom spoke up.

The waitress smirked. “What can I get you,  _Captain_ , honey?”

Jim laughed. “I’ll have a cheeseburger, well done. The salad instead of the fries.”

“I’ll have the same.” His mom handed the waitress her menu.

“Coming right up,” the waitress declared then walked away.

“So,” his mom said, sipping her coffee. “He’s cute.”

Jim blinked. “Who’s cute, Mom?”

“Mr. Spock.”

“Mom.”

“I saw the way you looked at him, Jimmy. And you talk about him a lot when we talk.”

Jim bit his lip. “Am I really that obvious?”

She shrugged. “I’m your mama.”

“Yeah, well, forget it. Won’t happen.”

“You two are not together?” She sounded surprised.

Jim barked a laugh. “Me and Spock? Mom, no.”

She frowned. “But, the way he looks at you—I was so sure.”

For just a moment, Jim felt a spark of hope fill his heart. Then he remembered this was  _him_ , and the hope died. “No, Mom. He’s with someone. I told you, it’s not gonna happen.”

“With someone? You mean Leonard McCoy?”

He laughed again. “Bones? Mom, you’re losing your touch. Spock is with Uhura. She’s my communication’s officer.”

“She?” His mom laughed. “You’re right. I am losing my touch. Or my gaydar.”

“I love you, Mom. You’re the best, really.  But you’re way off. Let’s forget about that, okay? Just enjoy the time we have together.”

She put her hand on his. “You’re right, Jimmy. I’m sorry.”

He smiled and shook his head. “Don’t be.”

****

“Mr. Spock.”

Spock turned as his captain’s mother approached him.  “Commander Kirk.”

“Winona,” she said with a smile that reminded him very much of her son.

“What can I do for you?”

She sighed. “I wanted to thank you again for all you did for Jim. He’s very important to me.” She folded her arms across her chest and looked off past Spock. He was not sure what she looked at. “He’s all I have left.”

“Commander—”

Winona looked at him again. “Jimmy would hate that I was here. He’d be angry with me. But I—I hate that he’s alone, you know? And he acts tough and brave, but he almost died—”

“He did die, Winona,” Spock said quietly.

She nodded, looking haunted. “He cares about you, Spock.”

“We are friends.”

“No. He  _cares_  about you.” Winona hugged herself. “Not as a friend. Something more. Maybe you don’t feel the same way. But I think you do, Spock.”

“Commander—”

Winona backed away. “I’ve said enough. Too much probably. I have to go say goodbye to my son. It was lovely to meet you, Mr. Spock.”

Before Spock could respond, Winona Kirk was gone.

****

Jim placed the deck of cards on the card table he’d set up in the middle of his quarters. He was expecting Bones, Scotty and Sulu shortly for a game of poker. He turned to go to the replicator to make some snacks when the door chimed.

“Enter,” Jim called over his shoulder as he faced the replicator. “You’re a few minutes early. The others aren’t here.”

“Others, Captain?”

Jim turned to face his first officer. He smiled. “Spock?  I wasn’t expecting you.”

Spock hesitated. “I can come back if my presence is unwelcome. “ He glanced at the table. “You are playing cards, Captain?”

“Yeah. I, uh, would have invited you but I didn’t think you played card games.”

“I do not.” But Spock didn’t move.

Jim gave an encouraging smile. “Something on your mind, Spock?”

“Yes.”

“Important?”

Spock hesitated again. “Yes, Captain.”

Jim nodded. “Okay. Give me a minute.” He went to comm on his desk. “Kirk to McCoy.”

“Jim? I’m on my way.”

“Bones, I’m gonna have to cancel.”

“Cancel?”

Jim tried not to wince at the disappointment in his friend’s voice. “Postpone. Something’s come up. Can you contact Scotty and Sulu? Tell them I’m sorry.”

“All right, Jim. I’ll check with you later. McCoy out.”

Jim was glad Bones hadn’t questioned it. He couldn’t imagine what Spock wanted himself.  He smiled encouragingly at Spock. “All right, I’m all yours.”

“I do apologize for changing your plans.”

He shrugged. “You said it was important.”

Spock nodded but remained silent. He shifted and then stared at some point past Jim.

“Spock, what’s on your mind?”

“Actually, Captain, you are.”

“Excuse me?”

“Ever since we left the space station.”

Jim frowned. “I don’t understand.”

“I…spoke with your mother.”

“My mother?”

Spock shifted again. “She spoke of your affection for me.”

Jim’s heart suddenly leaped into his throat and he took a step back, and then another. “Get out.”

“What?”

“Get out,” Jim said through clenched teeth. He couldn’t breathe. How could his mother have done this to him? He was going to be sick.

“Captain, I don’t understand.”

“Get out! Leave. Now, Mr. Spock. That’s a goddamn order.” Jim turned and went into the bathroom, locking the door. He sunk to the floor, panting heavily. He saw spot before his eyes. Great, he was having a panic attack. He hadn’t had one of those in ages. He tried to remember the methods he'd been given to calm down. He closed his eyes and leaned back, taking deep breaths.

****

Spock found his captain hours later in the observation deck. He’d asked the computer to locate him. He walked up to where the captain stood, but Spock did not immediately speak, and instead waited.

“I’m sorry, Spock,” Kirk said softly.

“Why do you apologize?”

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I shouldn’t have reacted that way. It was not your fault. My mom shouldn’t have bothered you.”

“She cares about you a great deal. She was not trying to hurt you, Jim.”

“I once heard the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

Spock inclined his head. “Do you think you are in hell?”

Kirk smiled a little. “I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want it to wreck our friendship. God, I can’t believe she did that.”

“I know you are upset. You believe she betrayed you.”

"Yeah, a little. If she wrecked things between us-”

"She did not. And I am gratified she told me.”

Kirk turned to look at Spock, surprise in his blue eyes. “Why?”

“It made me recognize that my own affections for you were more than mere friendship,” Spock said honestly. "Much more. And have been for some time."

“What? You…what about Uhura?”

“Nyota and I are no longer engaged in a relationship. I would not have come to your quarters to tell you of my feelings if we were,” Spock explained patiently.

“You’re not? When did that happen?” Kirk shook his head. “Never mind that.” He put his hand on Spock’s chest. “Spock, are you—”

Spock leaned forward and covered Kirk’s lips with his. Kirk’s lips were chapped, dry and soft. And rather addicting, Spock noted. He pulled his captain closer as Kirk whimpered into the kiss and put his arms around Spock’s neck.

“What do you think?” Spock asked and then slipped his tongue inside his captain’s mouth.

 ****

Jim waited for his mother to appear on his terminal in his quarters.

“Jimmy! This is a surprise. I didn’t expect to hear from you this soon,” she said with a smile.

“Didn’t you?” He raised an eyebrow, doing a pretty good imitation of his first officer.

Her smile faltered just a little. “Hmm?”

Jim gestured for Spock to join him and Spock came around to his side of the desk and stood beside him.

Her eyes widened. “Oh. Oh. Is that? Are you?”

Jim threaded his fingers with Spock’s. “We are. But Mom—”

“I know what you’re going to say, and you’re right, I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. I regretted it after and I should have told you, but—”

“Thank you,” Jim interrupted her.

She blinked. “Th-thank you?”

He nodded and smiled. “Yes, thank you.”

“I thought you’d be mad.”

“I was at first,” Jim admitted. “But I don’t know if I ever would have told Spock how I felt if you didn’t interfere. Maybe I would, I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter now. We both know how we feel. And we have you to thank.”

Spock squeezed Jim’s hand. “And I thank you also.”

Her smile lit up the screen. “God, you don’t know how happy this makes me.”

“I’ll let you go, Mom. We’ll talk soon. Kirk out.”

Jim turned to Spock and wrapped his arms around Spock’s waist. “Now, Commander, what shall we do?”

“We could invite the doctor, Mr. Scott, and Mr. Sulu to your quarters for that card game you postponed,” Spock said, sounding pretty amused for a Vulcan.

Jim scowled. “A card game? No.”

“Chess?”

Jim shook his head. “The only strategy I want to think about is how to get you out of those clothes, Spock.”

Spock gazed down at him. “All you have to do is say please.”

He grinned and licked his lips. “Please, Spock. Oh, please.”

Spock growled and pulled him to his feet. “Say it again.”

Jim curled his fingers in Spock’s hair. “Spock, please,” he whispered. Then Spock picked him up and carried him to the bunk.


	16. Delayed Reaction

Leonard was working in his office surveying some test results he’d just gotten from M’Benga. A throat cleared. He glanced at the person standing in the doorway. “What can I do for you, Spock?”

“I seek your advice, doctor.”

“For? You feeling poorly?”

“It is not a medical problem.”

“Oh?”

“I have…” Spock stopped, shifted.

“Sit down, Spock. You’re making me nervous.”

Spock sat across from Leonard, but still said nothing.

“You want that tea you drink?” Leonard offered, turning to the replicator behind him.

“Thank you, doctor.”

Leonard shrugged and got Spock tea and himself coffee and he sat back and waited.

“I upset the captain.”

“I see. Did you upset the captain or did you upset Jim?”

Spock’s brows furrowed. “I do not understand.”

“Don’t you? One is your commanding officer and one is your boyfriend.”

“They are one and the same.”

“Not really. If you upset the captain, he’ll be mad, yell at you, but he knows you have the ship’s best interest in mind, so he’ll be all right with you. If you upset your boyfriend, you have a serious problem.”

Spock looked down at his tea. “I upset Jim.”

Leonard nodded. “Then you have a real problem.”

“Yes.”

“What did you do?” Leonard asked, expecting Spock to tell him it was not his business.

“I did not respond when he declared his feelings for me.”

“Huh?”

“His deeper feelings.”

Leonard blinked. “Oh. You mean he told you he loved you.”

Spock nodded.

“And you didn’t say it back?”

“I did not. He was…he acted like it was all right, but he left my quarters quickly.”

“Yeah, you really screwed up,” Leonard pronounced. “So, uh, is it because you do not return his feelings?”

“I was taken aback.”

Leonard decided that was not exactly an answer, but he let it drop. “Where’s Jim now?”

“On the bridge. Where I should be.” Spock stood. “What should I do?”

“Beg for forgiveness? Tell him you love him too? I don’t know, Spock. I’m divorced, remember?” Leonard scowled. He stood, too. “Let’s go.”

“Where are you going, doctor?”

“To the bridge. I wanna see how Jim is for myself.”

Leonard accompanied Spock to the turbolift and went onto the bridge with him. Jim turned when they stepped onto the bridge. His gaze followed Spock to his station and then he glanced at Bones.

“Hey, Bones.”

“Jim.”

Jim smiled. “What brings you here?”

“Oh, you know, hadn’t been by to pester you for a few hours.”

“Well, that’s true enough,” Jim agreed. He turned his chair toward Spock. “Can you do a scan of the planetoid, Mr. Spock?”

“Yes, Captain.”

Jim turned back to face front. “Status, Mr. Sulu.”

“We’re about to make orbit, Captain.”

“Thank you, Mr. Sulu. Spock?”

“I return your feelings,” Spock blurted out without turning around.

Leonard stared at Spock but that was nothing compared to Jim’s reaction. Jim turned in his chair so fast, Leonard was surprised he didn’t fall out of his chair.

“Uh.”

Leonard cleared his throat, noticing Chekov and Sulu had turned around too. Spock was faintly green.

Jim rubbed the back of his neck and Leonard noticed he was faintly pink. “Well…um…thank you, Mr. Spock. And, um, the scan of the planet?”

“One moment, Captain.”

Leonard squeezed Jim’s shoulder. “I’ll see you later.”

“Where are you going?”

“Back to medbay.” Leonard grinned. “My work is done here.” 


	17. Old Friends

Jim felt old really. Old as he stepped onto the back porch of his Iowa farmhouse. Not that it was much of a farm. Not these days. There was a bit of a vegetable garden at the side of the house and some chickens in the barn for eggs. And Jim had a horse.

He’d just looked at himself in the mirror before coming to sit on the porch as the late afternoon made its way toward evening. The gray in his hair was more prominent than the blond. Or it seemed that way to Jim. His muscles were stiff too.

He sunk down into the nearest cushioned chair. “Hey, Bones, can you bring my coffee? I forgot it,” he called back toward the house.

Jim heard a grumbling but knew Bones would bring it so he smiled to himself and leaned back in the chair.

The screen door opened and Bones came out carrying two cups of coffees. He handed Jim’s to him and then sat in the chair beside him.

“Why do we have to sit outside anyway? It’s getting cold.” Bones warmed his hands on the mug.

“That’s the whole point of having a porch, Bones. To sit out here and enjoy the outdoors. We can have a fire when it gets dark and cuddle around it.”

Bones snorted. “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.”

Jim smiled. “Well, we can have a fire. Maybe not the cuddle part.”

“Definitely not.” Bones sipped his coffee. “You look tired, Jim. Are you getting enough sleep?”

“You aren’t my CMO anymore, you know.”

“Ha, that’s a permanent position, Jim. You can’t get rid of me that easily. And you sure as hell can’t get out of answering my question.”

“I’m sleeping okay, Bones.”

“What about eating?”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Carol! Come rescue me.”

Bones laughed. “She’s unpacking our stuff. She won’t be out until it’s done.”

Jim smiled. “I’m glad you two could come. Gets you away from all that chaos in Georgia.”

“Chaos it is. The grandkids came over last weekend. Ran me into the ground.” Bones sighed. “Not as young as I used to be.”

“None of us are.” Jim finished his coffee and stood. He patted his friend’s arm. “Gonna get some more. You okay or you want a refill?”

“I’m good for now. And hurry back. I don’t want to freeze out here by myself.”

Jim went inside and headed for the kitchen. He leaned over the man standing near the stove. “What are you making, sweetheart?”

Spock’s brow rose. “Plomeek soup.”

“Oh, great,” Jim said with a smile.

“You are lying.”

“What?” Jim widened his eyes innocently. “I am not.”

“I can tell you are being deceitful through our bond.”

“Damn. I can never get anything past you.”

“Why do you continue to try after all these years together?” Spock shook his head. “I do not expect you to eat the soup, Jim.”

“Okay, cause I’m totally grilling steaks.” Jim grinned and held up his two fingers which Spock met. Then Jim leaned over and kissed the corner of Spock’s mouth. “You gonna bring some tea out and join us on the porch?”

“If you wish.”

“I’ll warm you up later, I promise.” Jim winked.

“I will hold you to that.”

Jim laughed. “I know. You and your damn cold feet.”

“I wanted to retire to New Vulcan where it would have been warm. You wanted to retire to Iowa.” Spock’s eyebrow rose imperiously. “Therefore, you get my cold feet.”

“All right. A small price to pay for having my Vulcan. Come outside.”

Jim went to the spare room they’d assigned to Bones and Carol and he stuck his head around the doorway.  “Finish that later. Come out and sit with us.”

She gave him a warm smile and walked over to link arms with him. “Sounds lovely.”

“Do you want good coffee or nasty Vulcan tea?” he asked her.

“I can hear you,” Spock said.

“Damn Vulcan hearing.”

“Tea would be splendid, Spock,” Carol said to him as Jim pulled her to the door that led to the porch.

They stepped outside.

“Look who I found.”

“Hey, darling,” Bones greeted his wife.

“Damn it, I forgot my coffee. Be back.” He went back inside. “Need help?” Jim asked his husband.

“I have the tea, you carry your coffee.”

Jim poured himself more coffee and added cream. They joined Bones and Carol out on the porch.

“Jim, this is downright serene,” Bones commented. “Are you sure you can handle serene?”

Jim sat on the edge of the chair Spock had placed himself. He draped his arm over Spock’s shoulders. “I’m trying.”

Bones glanced at Spock. “Does he succeed?”

Spock inclined his head. “He is trying.”

Bones mumbled something unintelligible.

Jim smiled and looked up at the sky. Not a cloud in the sky. It would start to become dark soon and he’d be able to see the stars again. Life was good. Even if he had had to see the stars from this distance now.

“This is good,” Jim said. “All of us together again.”

Bones lifted his coffee. “Yeah, it is. Can’t believe it took us this long.”

“Somebody didn’t want to take a shuttle.” Jim poked him in the shoulders.

“You know how I feel about those, Jim."

Jim smiled. “I know, Bones, I know.” He leaned against Spock. It was still clear and later he could see the stars again. Therefore, he could handle serene.

The bond hummed and he felt Spock probing his mind gently.

_You are content, ashayam?_

_Yes. With you. Always with you._  


	18. Pon Farr, Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm adding this to my one-shot collection even though it will possibly be 3 parts (I think so). I don't feel the need to make it a separate work. It's also a bit angsty.

Spock clenched his fists at the sound of Jim’s rich laughter. He stood up from his station, stalking toward the captain’s chair.

“What are you doing?” Nyota hissed, rushing in front of him. She stopped him with a hand on his chest.

Spock stopped. Glared at Nyota. “I cannot abide his flirting.”

“I know,” she whispered urgently. She glanced behind her at Jim who was oblivious to their conversation. He was smiling brightly at Carol Marcus who was smiling back and clearly engaging in flirtatious behavior.

“I must stop this.”

“You can’t.” She pushed him back toward his console. He allowed her to do so. “He doesn’t know. You haven’t told him. If you go flying over there like this, he’s gonna be pissed.”

Spock knew she was right, but currently it was becoming harder to ignore what was happening to him.

“Besides, what are you going to do? Beat up Carol?”

“She is attempting to seduce what is mine,” Spock said coldly.

“Again, she doesn’t know. I told you to tell him about being bonded, and you decided to wait. Wait for what? I have no idea. But now you’re beginning Pon Farr and he still doesn’t know.” Nyota softened her voice. “What are you going to do, Spock?”

Jim laughed again and Spock took a step forward.

“No. Look, I’ll get Carol away from him, but you have to do something about this. You know he’s been your bondmate for months and you’ve done nothing. Look where it’s gotten you.”

“It has been difficult to bring up considering everything,” Spock admitted.

Nyota nodded. “I know. And I’m still pissed at you for hiding this shit from me, but what’s done is done. I don’t want you to die.”

Spock heard Carol Marcus laugh this time and he turned away, feeling rage.

“Carol,” Nyota said, walking up to Dr. Marcus. “You’re off your shift now right? Me, too. I wanted to show you something I bought. Come with me?”

“Oh, sure. I’ll see you later, Jim.”

“See you, Carol,” Jim said.

Spock did not know if Jim was smiling but he sounded like he might be and Spock clenched his fists again.

His gaze followed Dr. Marcus and Nyota to the turbolift and then when he turned back he realized Jim was watching him.

“Something on your mind, Mr. Spock?” Jim asked, rising from his captain’s chair to come to Spock’s science station.

“Captain?”

“You’ve been glaring at me for the last couple of days. If you have a problem with me, we should discuss it.”

“Very well, Captain. My quarters?”

Jim blinked, and then his blue eyes widened. Clearly not expecting Spock’s suggestion. “Um, that’s fine. Sure. Now?”

Spock nodded. “If convenient.”

Spock followed his captain into the turbolift and had to stand as far away from Jim as possible. He could smell Jim, and the scent filled Spock with a powerful need to claim him. Spock dug his nails into the palm of his hand.

The door opened to the corridor containing officers’ quarters and they made their way down to Spock’s. He keyed in his entry code and then indicated Jim should go in first.

The minute the door closed behind them, Spock wondered if bringing Jim here had been a mistake. Having his mate here in his own space made his need, his desire for Jim increase tenfold. He wanted to grab him and claim him against the bulkhead. The fever was getting worse.

Jim turned toward Spock and Spock could not help but stare at the line of Jim’s jaw, at his lips, those blue eyes. Spock’s breathing increased and he took a step forward.

“Okay, Spock, so what did I do?”

Spock stopped himself from seizing his captain but only just. He took a calming breath. “You have done nothing, Captain. Jim. This-this is a personal matter.”

Jim frowned. “A personal matter? Okay. What?”

“I am…experiencing some discomfort.”

“You have been a little tense lately. Is that why?”

“Yes.” Spock swallowed. “I need to go to New Vulcan as soon as possible.”

“New Vulcan? Something to do with your father?”

“Negative. It is an affliction I suffer from.”

Jim nodded. “All right. And there are healers on New Vulcan who can help you?”

“Not exactly. And you…you must accompany me.”

“I can if you want, sure,”

“It is not a choice, it is a matter of necessity.”

“All right. What the hell is this all about, Spock?”

Spock was becoming agitated, angry. Having to hold back from claiming his mate was becoming too much. “I am attempting to explain, but you keep interrupting me,” he snapped.

Jim’s eyes narrowed and he straightened. “Carry on.”

Spock nodded stiffly. “We do not speak of it.”

“Who does not?”

“Vulcans.”

A muscle in Jim’s jaw popped. “Look, Spock, I’m trying really hard to be patient here. But you gotta work with me. What the fuck is going on?”

“Every seven years Vulcans are compelled to mate. It is the blood fever. Pon Farr.”

Jim nodded. “Okay, I studied Vulcans at the academy. I don’t remember any mention of that.”

“As I said,” Spock said coolly. “We do not speak of it. It is very private. As I am sure you can guess why.”

“Because of the mating thing?”

“We lose complete control of our logic for three days as we are compelled to mate repeatedly. We become like animals, savages.” Spock released a breath. “It is not something we readily admit to.”

“All right, so this Pon Farr, you are experiencing it now?”

"The beginning stages of it. We must get to New Vulcan and there is a ceremony called Koon-ut-Kal-if-fee we must go through before the mating."  

“We?”

“My mate and myself,” Spock said carefully.

“Your mate? Who is your mate? Not Uhura, right? You broke up.” Jim frowned. “Another Vulcan?”

“It is not Nyota, no. Nor another Vulcan.” Spock shifted. “It is…you.”

Jim burst out laughing. “What? Is this some kind of joke?”

Spock stiffened. “No, it is not. Normally, Vulcan children are promised to each other, so that when the appointed time comes, they are prepared to complete the bond. I was promised to a Vulcan female at the age of seven, however, when Vulcan was destroyed, that bond was severed. I had intended to get it dissolved at some point anyway and T’Pring had been amenable to this. Subsequently, I discovered you were my t’hy’la.”

“Your what?”

“T’hy’la,” Spock said with a calmness he did not feel. “A very rare bond, revered above all others. It cannot be formed through a bonding ceremony between children. It forms between two minds seeking their true mates. It is similar in concept to what Terrans would think of as a soulmate.”

“Soulmates? You and me?” Jim snorted and Spock did not like it.

“It is true. I felt it.”

“When? When did you discover this?”

Spock hesitated. This would be the most difficult part. “I…felt it when I had my hands around your throat on the Enterprise after you and Mr. Scott beamed aboard from Delta Vega.”

Jim sucked in a breath. “What?”

“I know what you must think.”

Jim shook his head. “No. No. You don’t. You have no fucking idea. So you’ve known since then and…what?”

“I was not prepared to analyze our connection at that time,” Spock said. “I shielded it.”

“Meaning you didn’t want to be bonded to me or whatever so you pretended not to know.”

Spock hesitated, but he did not wish to be dishonest with Jim. “Essentially yes.”

“So knowing we had this allegedly special bond—”

“It is special.”

“You continued fucking Uhura.”

Spock flinched, but did not reply.

“Why don’t you go mate with her?” Jim asked, fire flashing from his blue gaze.

“It is impossible,” Spock said quietly. “Only my true mate will cool the fever.”

“Yet it has taken you this long to even tell me this.”

“When…when you died, I thought the bond had been severed and I thought…” Spock closed his mouth.

Jim zeroed in on that. Spock should have known. “You thought?”

“It does not matter.”

“Oh, it matters.” Jim’s arms were crossed in front of him in a defensive manner. "You thought what?”

Spock’s breaths were shaky as he said, “That perhaps it was for the best that the bond was severed.”

“I see.”

Spock’s heart squeezed at the cold, shuttered look in Jim’s eyes. It physically hurt Spock. “But as I went into Pon Farr, I realized that the bond had not been severed. It merely lay dormant, but it was awakened anew.”

“And now what? You want me to go down to New Vulcan and fuck for three days because the bond tells you to?”

Spock swallowed. “Yes.”

“What happens if I refuse?”

“It is your right to do so.”

Jim nodded. “What happens if I do?”

“I would die,” Spock said simply.

“Jesus, Spock. You have got to be fucking kidding me!”

He shook his head. “I am not.”

“What if the bond is severed before then?”

Spock took an involuntary step back, his stomach rolling. “It-it is too late. The Pon Farr is already upon me.”

“All right. I’ll order the ship to set course for New Vulcan.”

“You will accompany me?”

“Seems like I don’t have a choice, Spock,” Jim said in a low voice. “It’s either that or you die.”

“Jim, I—”

“But there are Vulcan healers there still, right?”

Spock blinked. “Yes.”

Jim nodded. “When it’s over, we’ll break the bond.”

Spock drew a sharp breath. “What?”

His captain laughed. “Come on, Spock. You haven’t wanted to be bonded to me all along. You’ve made that very clear.”

“Jim—”

Jim held up his hands. “I’m used to it. No one ever wants me for long. It’s fine. It’ll be better that way anyway. I’m no one’s soulmate. “ Jim moved past him to the door. “I’ll give the order. It shouldn’t take long to get there.”

And then Jim left Spock standing alone in his quarters.


	19. Pon Farr, Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's Part 2

“What if I forbid you from doing this?” Bones demanded. He stood over Jim, glaring down at him, holding a battery of hyposprays.

“You can’t,” Jim said wearily.

“The hell I can’t. I’m your doctor and if I say you can’t do it, you can’t do it.”

“I’m not going to let Spock die, Bones. It’s three days. I can handle it.”

“Three days. Three days of hell. New Vulcan isn't quite as hot and unbreathable as Vulcan, but it’s bad enough. And M’Benga’s been telling me stuff about this Pon Farr stuff, Jim.”

Jim sat on the edge of his bed, letting Bones poke and prod him in preparation for Koon-ut-kal-if-fee. “It’s just sex for three days, Bones. Sex is sex.”

Bones snorted. “Sex is sex? Sex with Spock is just sex for you?”

Jim clenched his jaw. “It’s going to be, yes. He doesn't even want me, Bones. This is just some sort of biological shit. It’s going to be fine.”

“M’Benga says it’s rough.”

He sighed as Bones stuck him with a hypospray. “I've had rough before. Spock won’t really hurt me.”

“He’ll be out of his mind, Jim. He won’t know what he’s doing.”

“I’ll live. Jesus, Bones, what do you expect me to do? Let him die?”

“Why does it have to be you?”

“We've been over this. I’m his bondmate.”

Bones grimaced. “So says Spock. How do we know it’s true?”

“Why would he lie? He didn't even want me to know until he found out he’s going through this.”

“You could challenge.”

Jim eyed Bones. “What?”

“M’Benga said a challenge can be issued by the mate. Kal-if-fee.”

He frowned. “What is that exactly?”

“You choose a challenger to fight Spock—”

“Wait, what?”

Bones looked suddenly sheepish. “Whoever comes out the victor gets to claim you. And, um, it’s a fight to the death. I think.”

“Oh for God’s sake.” Jim buried his face in his hands. “Bones, I love you. Really. But right now I want to punch you in the nose.”

“Okay, stupid idea.”

“Yeah. Look, there’s no way around this. We’ll go down there, do this Vulcan ceremony, Spock and I will have sex for three days, you’ll check me out, then we’ll go to the healers and have them dissolve the bond, and then we leave New Vulcan with everyone happy.”

Bones stared at him for a long time. “Everyone?”

Jim sighed wearily. “Yes, everyone. Finish what you have to do, Bones, because then I’m gonna take a shower and go to sleep until it’s time.”

“All right.” Bones stuck him with several more hypos.

“What?” Jim asked when Bones continued to stare at him.

“Did you tell Spock Starfleet forbade you from going to New Vulcan?”

“No. There was no reason for him to know.”

“The fact that they would have court martialed you didn't matter?”

“It wasn't as important as Spock’s life. And fuck Starfleet. Let them court martial me.” Jim shrugged. “And anyway, it wasn't necessary. T’Pau intervened on Spock’s behalf.”

“Because you contacted the other Spock.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah, all’s well that ends well, Bones. We done here?”

“Yeah for now. Get some rest. You’re gonna need it.”

****

Jim and Bones made their way to the transporter room. Jim had been informed Spock had already beamed down to the planet’s surface to prepare, so it was just him and Bones.

But standing in front of the transporter was Uhura.

“Can I have a word with you, Captain?”

“They’re waiting for me.”

“It’ll only take a minute.” She glanced to Bones. “Please?”

“I’ll wait inside, Jim,” Bones offered.

Jim nodded curtly. “Thanks.” When they were alone, he said, “What is it, Lieutenant?”

“Spock told me you plan to break the bond?”

“That’s right.”

She frowned. “Why?”

“Why do you think? Spock doesn't want to be bonded to me.”

“But Spock broke up with me because he couldn't be with me anymore because he could no longer ignore you were his t’hy’la.”

“He ignored it just fine. And anyway, I would think you’d be happy.”

Uhura blinked rapidly. “Happy? Why would I be happy?”

“You just said it yourself. This fucked up bond is why you two are no longer together. When it’s dissolved you two can do whatever it is you’re doing again.”

“No.” She shook her head. “This bond is special. It can’t be dissolved without causing harm to Spock.”

“Bullshit. His original bond to T’Pring was severed and he didn't have any lasting effects.”

“You don’t know that, first of all. And second, the bond he had with her is not the same kind of bond as he has with you.”

Jim struggled for patience but he felt irrationally angry. And God, all he wanted was for everything to go back to fucking normal. “You know what you can do for me, lieutenant?”

“What?” she asked warily.

“You can mind you own damn business and stay the fuck out of mine,” Jim spat. “I have to go.” He turned and entered the transporter room.

“Everything all right, Jim?”

Jim shook his head. “No. I just snapped at Uhura and I feel like I’m going fucking crazy. Let’s get this over with.” He stepped on the transporter pad with Bones beside him. “Energize.”

Sarek, Spock’s father, waited for them. He raised his hand in the ta’al. “Welcome, Captain Kirk, mate of my son. Welcome, Dr. McCoy.”

“Sir, you honor us.” Jim matched him in the ta’al.

“I offer you my name.”

“Thank you, Sarek. I offer mine as well.”

Sarek nodded. “Come with me.”

Jim and Bones were led to an area outside of the main dwellings that had been built on New Vulcan. They continued walking even past that and Jim started to sweat. To think this wasn't as hot as Vulcan.

“You okay?” Bones asked him.

“Sure. I’ll be fine, Bones.”

Finally Sarek stopped. In front of them stood several stone arches. “These were made to replicate those that were on Vulcan for  Koon-ut-kal-if-fee.  Wait here, Jim. They will arrive shortly.”

Jim nodded and swallowed down his nervousness. He was restless and wanted to pace but he resisted the urge to do so. He could do this. It wasn't as though he hadn't had fantasies involving sex with Spock. That was then. Now he knew…well everything.

In the distance came the sound of bells jingling. Jim straightened as he spotted a small party of Vulcans approaching, among them was Spock with his head lowered and his hands clenched together in front of them.

“Well, this is just lovely,” Bones said.

“Shh, Bones.”

“One damn minute, Jim. You have the lube?”

“Yes.”

“And you already prepared yourself?”

“Jesus, Bones.”

“This is Dr. McCoy asking. Your friend doesn't wanna know,” Bones assured him.

“I did,” Jim said through clenched teeth.

“If there are any problems, you contact me at once. I don’t care what’s happening with the hobgoblin. You don’t allow him to kill you.”

“He won’t.”

“Jim.”

“All right. Dr. McCoy.”

“Still don’t like this.” Bones shot him in the neck with two more hypos.

“Duly noted.”

The party stopped just a few feet from them. Jim recognized the austere looking Vulcan woman as T’Pau.

“Kirk, you will come forward,” she spoke coolly.

He nodded and knelt before her.

“Spock.”

Spock knelt next to him. He didn't look at Jim, kept his head lowered. T’Pau spoke in Golic, words he did not understand. Then she spoke in standard and he gave the required responses, at least he thought he did. It was hard to tell because she continued to look vaguely disapproving.

“It is done,” T’Pau announced, stepping back from them.

Spock stood, raised his head for the first time, and reached down to grab Jim’s biceps and pull him to his feet. “Mine,” he growled, before yanking Jim close and covering his lips in a punishing kiss.

Jim heard voices drifting away. He thought T’Pau told Bones not to interfere, and then he found himself flat on his back on the ground and Spock was tearing at his clothes.

“Wait, wait,” Jim tried to say, wanting to tell Spock he’d take them off, but they tore, Spock scattering them aside. First his shirt was tossed away and then Spock was pulling off his pants. He was a little surprised, when Spock laid the torn clothes over the sand and moved Jim to lay on them. He swallowed. “Thanks.”

Spock’s hand moved to Jim’s face much in the way his counterpart’s had on Delta Vega. Jim gasped as Spock entered his mind, his thoughts in turmoil. A mixture of lust, almost violent, need, want, love.

Jim’s eyes widened at that. “Spock?”

“Mine,” Spock said again, lifting Jim’s legs and entering him.

It had begun. They were both lost to the fever.

****

Jim woke naked and sore with Spock’s hands roaming over his skin, everywhere. Spock was making a low humming sound, or perhaps a purr. Jim shook his head at that which made him groan because any movement seemed too much.

“Jim,” Spock moaned against his neck. “Jim, I need. Please, ashayam.”

“Okay, okay. Whatever you need, Spock. Take me.”

Spock hovered above him. “I am sorry.”

“’s ’okay. I’m ready, I’m yours.”

And Spock sank into him again.


	20. Pon Farr, Conclusion

Spock woke slowly, his eyes still closed, his arm reaching for Jim, to pull him closer.

“He is gone, Spock.”

Spock’s eyes flew open, instantly alert. He sat up. Noted quickly he was still unclothed but his lower half had been covered with a thin blanket. “Father?”

Sarek stood nearby, looking down on him. “I assume you were seeking out your mate?”

Spock nodded, feeling disoriented. “What do you mean he is gone?”

“He has returned to your ship,” Sarek said. “He spoke to the healers first.”

He found he could not breathe. And he definitely had no response to give to his father. 

“You did not advise me that Jim was discontent with the bond.”

“I had hoped the maturation of the bond would change his mind,” Spock admitted.

“He is not accepting of our ways,” Sarek said.

Spock struggled to his feet, keeping the blanket covering him. He reached for his clothes. “It is not that. I did not inform him of the bond until very recently.”

“Did you not tell me you discovered the bond even before his demise and resurrection?”

“Yes. I kept the knowledge from him. I shielded it until I was unable to do so any longer. When the Pon Farr was upon me.”

“I see.”

Spock very much doubted his father saw or understood at all. But they did not speak of such personal matters and Spock would not start now.

“What do you intend to do now, Spock?”

“I will go to my mate.”

“The healers wish to know if you are amenable to the dissolution of your bond.”

Spock shook his head. “I am not.”

Sarek inclined his head. “Very well. I will leave you to it.” He held out his hand in the ta’al. “Live Long and Prosper.”

“Live Long and Prosper.” He responded with the ta’al.

When his father left, Spock dressed quickly in his uniform and pulled out his communicator.

“Spock to Enterprise. One to beam up.”

Once he was onboard the ship again he made his way to his quarters. He had a desire to meditate but did not know if he should wait to see Jim.

“Computer, locate Captain Kirk.”

“Captain Kirk is in his quarters.”

Spock turned to his meditation room. His mind was disordered.

There was a chime at his door.

“Computer, identify visitor.”

“Lieutenant Nyota Uhura.”

He wanted to ignore her presence and meditate, but he knew Nyota could be very persistent. Spock opened the door to admit her.

“Spock,” she said with a smile. “You’re back.” Then she froze, studying him. “What’s wrong? Did you not mature the bond?”

“It matured,” Spock said. “But…Jim still wishes to dissolve it.”

“What? Why?”

“I cannot speculate. I know that he felt…” Spock broke off. He shook his head. “I was certain after Pon Farr he would understand.”

“What do you intend to do?” she asked, touching his arm gently.

He wanted to push her hand away. Though the fever had passed, only Jim’s touch could sooth him. All other touches were aggravating.

“I am torn,” Spock said, carefully extracting himself from her touch. “If Jim truly wishes to severe our bond, should I not respect his wishes? He is my t’hy’la. What he wants is my priority.”

“Spock, he doesn't understand. You have to make him see.”

“I do not know if I can.”

“What else can you do?” Nyota asked. “I know you. You want this.”

“To have my t’hy’la is my greatest desire,” Spock admitted. “But not at his expense. With the shields in place, I did not know what I did not have. Now that I felt what the bond can be, it is…difficult to not have.”

“Then go get him, Spock. Why are you here with me? Go talk to him.”

“I thought to meditate first.”

“No. The longer you take to talk to him, the more he will be convinced you don’t really want him. Do this. Now.”

Spock realized she was right and he made his way to his door.

“I know this will work, Spock.”

“I hope so.”

****

When there was no answer to Spock‘s request for entry he nearly went back to his own quarters. But Spock decided Nyota had been right. He had to make Jim see that they should be together.

He coded in his entry and stepped inside. Jim’s quarters were only barely lit and he spotted his bondmate in his bunk asleep on his stomach. Spock approached him and knelt next to the bunk. Jim was naked, at least on his upper half. A sheet was draped over him from the waist down. Spock could not resist touching him.

Spock let the touch of Jim’s skin calm him. Instantly the bond tried to burst to life, aching for his mate.

Jim stirred, his blue eyes blinking open. “Spock?”

“T’hy’la,” Spock whispered. “I did not intend to disturb you.”

“Lights thirty five percent,” Jim mumbled, then he turned over to lay on his back.

Spock did not miss the wince that crossed Jim’s face. “You are injured?”

“Not exactly. Just pretty sore.” Jim stared at him. “When did you get back?”

“Not that long. I was surprised to wake up alone.”

“I thought it was for the best.”

Spock studied Jim’s face but for once he could not read what was there. “I do not understand.”

“Don’t you? Nothing has changed, Spock.”

“I agree.”

“Then—”

“That is not entirely true,” Spock admitted. “The bond fully matured. It opened and our minds became one with each other. You felt it, I know you did.”

Jim nodded. “I did. But that was all connected to the Pon Farr. It was biological. It was nothing.”

“You really do not know,” Spock said. He reached a hand to Jim’s face, tried not to react when Jim flinched. He stroked his thumb over Jim’s cheek. “Pon Farr does not make me feel things that are not real.”

“I’m supposed to believe you suddenly love me,” Jim said it flatly, as a statement not a question.

“No. There is nothing sudden. My affection for you has been with me for a long time.”

Jim closed his eyes briefly and shook his head. When he opened them, the blue had turned glacial. “You didn’t want to be bonded to me, Spock. You said so yourself.”

“You misunderstand. And you misunderstood then.” Spock’s fingers continued to smooth along Jim’s face. He could not stop touching. “Understand, Jim, I spent my whole life trying to hide my feelings.”

“You managed to have a relationship with Nyota.”

“It was easy for our friendship to become something more, but it always lacked the depth Nyota wished. I could not give that to her.”

“And you hated me.”

“No. But when I thought of my feelings for you, Jim, I was ashamed. You made me feel, react more than anyone ever had. From the moment I met you there was something different in the way I interacted with you. I did not know then why that was as I know now.”

Jim just stared at him, but at least he wasn’t ordering Spock to get out.

“When you proved I was emotionally compromised and I realized what you are to me, I shielded the bond. It is true. I feared the loss of control you invoked in me. I did not want it to be true. Not because I hated you, but because of precisely the opposite. You made me  _feel_. Something I fought so hard against. I had considered Kolinahr, Jim, before I ever joined Starfleet. That you could be my t’hy’la was terrible to me because of those deep  feelings.”

“So you pushed me away.”

“Yes. But never far. I still sought to be by your side. Until I thought to die in the volcano would be better for both of us. You would not let me.”

Jim’s smile was a ghost of the one Spock knew he was capable of.  “No.”

“Even your death could not break our bond, Jim. It lay quiet and dormant because I shielded both of us from it, but it would not die. Even before we matured it, it wanted to remain. You felt my love when I melded with you on New Vulcan.”

“Yes,” Jim whispered.

“And I felt yours. T’hy’la, what do you fear?”

“I don’t fear anything.”

Spock shook his head. “I know differently. I felt it, I feel you. Even now though I am shielding again for your benefit, it comes through.”

“I told you, I’m no one’s soulmate.”

Spock moved his fingers to Jim’s psi-points. “Let me show you. Let me open the bond to both of us. Outside of Pon Farr.”

Jim swallowed visibly. “You’ll see how fucked up I am.”

“That is what you fear?”

“If you know, if you see everything, you’ll feel like everyone else did. That I’m not worthy.”

“Everyone else?”

“Like Sam, like Pike. They all thought I was just a fuckup.”

“That is as far from what I think as possible.” Spock rose from his knees and lay on the bed next to Jim. They were chest to chest and Spock kept his hand on Jim’s face. “I wish never to be parted from you. You think I do not know you. I know what is in your mind, in your heart. It matches mine. May I?”

Jim nodded.

Spock’s mind rushed into Jim’s, eager like a puppy it seemed. But Jim’s mind was as eager as Spock’s. They surrounded each other, like hands being held, like hearts beating as one. Spock pushed all that he felt, all that he feared, all that he hoped for, toward Jim. And instead of it being too much for Jim, Jim’s mind cradled it, and sent the same back at Spock.

He broke the meld and stared into Jim’s blue eyes. Jim was smiling. “What do you fear?” he asked again.

“Nothing,” Jim vowed. “I fear nothing.”

“And the bond?” Spock asked carefully. “Do you still wish to dissolve it?”

“No.” Jim drew Spock’s lips to his. “T’hy’la.”

Spock closed his eyes and gave himself to his bondmate’s kiss.


	21. Smug

“Why do you look smug?” Bones demanded.

Jim looked at his best friend over his mug of coffee, about to take a sip. He lowered it. “I do not look smug.”

“Yeah, you do.” Bones stabbed at his pancakes.

Jim frowned. “What the hell? What are those pancakes made out of?”

“Rubber as far as I can tell,” Bones grumbled. “What the hell, Jim? The food out of these things is even more inedible than usual.”

“I don’t know. I’ve noticed it too. I’ll have it looked into.” Jim waved. “By whoever looks into it. I’m sure Spock knows.”

“Aha!”

Jim raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean aha?”

“And cut that out.”

“What?”

“Raising one eyebrow like the hobgoblin.”

“Fine but what you did you mean aha?”

Bones shrugged. “Just you’ve been relying a lot on Spock lately.”

“He’s an excellent first officer.”

“I guess,” Bones admitted. “But you two have been thick as thieves lately.”

Jim smiled. “Starfleet orders.”

“How so?”

“Crew bonding. They recommend it.”

Bones frowned, then nodded. “Is that why you look smug?

Jim lowered the mug, grateful he hadn’t taken a sip yet or he would have choked. “Excuse me?”

“You and Spock have been playing chess lately.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“You must be winning, Jim.”

Jim laughed. “Why do you say that?”

“It accounts for the smugness. You’re beating the hobgoblin.”

“Actually he beats me,” Jim said. “At chess,” he quickly added.

“Oh.” Bones looked frustrated. He pushed away the plate of rubber pancakes. “Still there’s something you’re smug about. You’ve been walking around all cocky for days. Cockier I should say.”

“You’re imagining things, Bones.” He took a sip of the coffee, then frowned down at the cup. “This tastes like mud.”

“Yeah, the coffee always sucks.”

“No, Bones. I mean it literally tastes like mud.” Jim grabbed a napkin and spit into it. “Gross.” He pushed the coffee away.

“I know what it is!” Bones crowed, slamming his hand down on the table.

“Jesus, Bones, calm down.”

“You’re getting some.”

“Will you keep your voice down?” Jim glanced around to see who was staring at them. “Getting some what?”

“Getting _some_.”

“Oh.” Jim felt himself turn red. “Nah.”

“Yeah you are.” Bones looked satisfied. “Should have remembered it was your getting sex look. It’s cause I wanted to forget it.” His friend grimaced. “And based on you’ve been like this for days, I’d say you’re getting it regularly.”

“Bones.”

“Jimmy’s got a little something something going on.”

“I can’t believe this.” Jim buried his face in his hand.

“So who is she?”

Jim lowered his hands and blinked. “What?”

Bones grinned. “Who is she?”

“Um, no one you know.” Jim stood. “Look, I, uh, forgot something in my quarters, so I’ll see you later, Bones.”

“Fine, don’t tell me!”

Jim made his way to his quarters, but passed right by them. Instead he sought entrance to Spock’s.

The door opened and Jim stepped inside.

Spock was pulling on his blue science tunic. He quirked a brow. “Captain?”

“Are we still on for tonight, Spock?”

“You came back just to ask me that?”

“Well, no. I, uh.” Jim rubbed the back of his neck.

“Were you not having breakfast with Dr. McCoy?”

“I was yeah. He, uh, well, I think he knows. Sort of.”

“Knows?”

“He said I look smug.”

Spock sort of shrugged. “We would have to log our relationship eventually anyway.”

“You don’t care if Bones knows we’re sleeping together?” Jim asked, surprised.

“Why should I?”

Jim opened his mouth to say something and then closed it. “I don’t know.”

“I am due on the bridge.”

Jim nodded. “Me too. But I have to make a stop first.” He gave Spock a quick kiss. “Oh, hey.”

“Yes?”

“The replicators have gone haywire. Who fixes that anyway?’

“I will take care of it, Captain.”

Jim smiled. “Thanks, babe.”

Spock arched his brow again.

“I’ll be to the bridge shortly.”

Jim made his way to the medbay and went straight to Bones’ office. His friend sat at his desk working on his PADD.

“Jim?”

“Spock, Bones.”

“Huh?”

“What we were talking about earlier?” Jim couldn’t keep from grinning. “The reason I look smug?”

“Yeah?”

“Spock.”

Bones eyes went wide and he made a strangled noise.

Jim couldn’t stop laughing as he made his way to the bridge. 


	22. Spock Prime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock Prime spends some time with young Jim Kirk  
> Spock Prime/James T. Kirk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This contains content of an intimate sexual nature between Spock Prime and young Jim Kirk. There may be some readers who do not wish to read this and therefore, you may want to skip this particular one-shot.

Spock had been alone too long. Without his Jim. Without those he could call friends.

Those same friends were in this time, but they did not know him. They knew his young counterpart. And they had a different relationship than he’d had with his friends. And yes, he could admit they were friends now.

His friends were not the same, it was true. But Spock found he was still very drawn to Jim Kirk. His mind, his body, did not seem to know the difference. Jim was Jim to him and just like his Jim that he lost so long ago, Spock found he wanted this Jim.

Spock was aware he had no right to demand affection from this Jim. He knew Jim was friends with his counterpart but as far as Spock could see it had not yet moved beyond friendship. One day, Spock suspected, his counterpart would realize that it was Jim he wanted and not Nyota Uhura. But that had not happened yet and therefore this Jim was alone. Lonely. And Spock found himself tempted.

Spock could not help but appreciate those cerulean eyes, that beautiful smile, and the voice, silky and husky, that just sent thrills up Spock’s spine. Those biceps, that ass. Yes, Spock approved. And that did not even touch the brilliant mind in Jim’s head. Spock craved it too. 

Each time Spock saw this Jim he fell a little more in love and in lust with him. He was not his Jim but Spock found he did not care. He wanted this one just the same.

Spock’s heart in his side clenched and sped up as he stepped off the transporter of the Enterprise. Waiting by the controls was Jim, smiling his welcome for Spock. And only Spock.

“Hey!” Jim called out and then to Spock’s gratification, young Jim embraced him. He smelled of cinnamon and cloves, Spock realized, as he held Jim close. He wanted to bury his nose in the silky blond hair, but there were others there, witnessing their reunion, and Spock knew such behavior was not logical.

Jim pulled out of Spock’s embrace and Spock felt bereft. “You look great! How do you feel?”

“Well rested and ready to spend some time with my favorite starship captain.”

Jim grinned. “Excellent. If you don’t mind, I thought we’d just have dinner alone in my quarters rather than in the mess. Thought it would be easier to catch up that way. Is that okay?”

Spock was quite pleased with that arrangement. “Just the two of us?” he asked for clarification. He wondered if Jim would include his counterpart or the doctor.

“Yeah just you and me. Is that okay?”

“It is,” Spock agreed. “I was hoping that was the arrangement.”

“Oh, and I have you in the quarters directly to the right of mine. We’ll share a bathroom while you’re here. Not too inconvenient is it?” Jim flashed him a grin. “Actually mine are being redone, so I’m in temporary quarters. Thought I might as well have you next to me.”

“I see no issue with this.” On the contrary. The more Spock got Jim to himself the better as far as he was concerned. He would be visiting on the Enterprise for two weeks, so Spock was aware he would have to spend some time with others, but he knew he would prefer Jim’s company.

Jim Kirk had been Spock’s t’hy’la in his time, and now this Jim felt very much the same to him. Spock wanted everything of Jim. If his counterpart was foolish enough to ignore all the signs, should Spock not take what should belong to him anyway? He did not know, but neither did he wish to deny himself having Jim.

“Come,” Jim said, linking his arm through Spock’s. “Let me take you to your quarters and get you settled, then we can have dinner.”

Spock’s dormant bond thrummed to life at the contact, as it always did when near this Jim. He reveled in it. It brought him contentment that had been missing for too long.

****

“What do you want to drink, Spock?” Jim asked as they were preparing to dine together.

Spock sat at a little table Jim had set up for them to eat. “Tea would be most welcome.”

“Coming right up.” Jim brought him tea and then he placed a vegetable frittata between them.

“It looks delicious,” Spock commented.

“Well, I don’t know about that. I have been trying to make improvements in the replicators so we get stuff that actually tastes like food.”

“How are you feeling?” Spock asked as they began to eat. He had felt Jim’s death. It had nearly destroyed him to have to endure Jim Kirk’s death twice. He had been gratified when Jim was brought back by Leonard McCoy. In Spock’s opinion it should never have been Jim who died. It was unthinkable.

“Much better.” Jim smiled. “I’m so glad you came to see me in the hospital.”

Of course he had come. Jim was his t’hy’la in any universe. He would have been there more often except that his counterpart seemed perturbed by his being there. He did not want Jim yet he did not want someone else getting Jim either, Spock surmised.

“I could do nothing else,” Spock assured him.

“I was so happy when they said you were going to be part of the special science project on board. Two weeks with my favorite Vulcan. Not sure that’ll be long enough.”

“For me either. But I am gratified for the time we are able to spend together.”

They talked then about the progress of New Vulcan and other things and when they were done, Spock moved over to the couch and asked Jim to sit with him.

Now that they were alone and finished with the meal, Spock pulled Jim close and wrapped his arms around him. Spock finally had the chance to bury his nose in Jim’s hair. “Your hair smells good,” he told Jim.

Jim snuggled up to him with a smile. “It’s a special shampoo I got on Risa.”

“The pleasure planet?”

Jim laughed. “Yeah. I don’t think it has any special erotic properties though.”

“A shame,” Spock murmured. He could not resist massaging Jim’s head. This much touching made the bond very happy and almost intoxicated Spock. He’d been so long deprived of Jim.

“Mm. That feels really good,” Jim whispered, his eyes closed.

Spock felt a little like a dirty old man but he could not help himself. He stroked his index and middle finger over Jim’s. He found himself instantly aroused, the simple touch unbearably intimate to him.

Jim’s blue eyes opened and stared at Spock.

“Forgive me,” Spock said. “It has been difficult since losing my Jim and finding you here in your time.”

Jim smiled. “There’s nothing to forgive.” His hand reached up and cupped Spock’s cheek. “Whatever you want, whatever you need, I’m yours, Spock.”

Spock’s side constricted and his heart beat rapidly. “I do not know if you realize what you offer me, ashayam.”

“I know what I’m doing,” Jim assured him. “I know how I feel. How you make me feel. I’ve never felt anything like this before. A connection with you, Spock. If you want me, I’m yours.”

Spock covered Jim’s hand on his face with his own. “There is nothing I want more than you, ashayam. But—”

“Hey,” Jim said, shaking his head. “No buts. I’m yours.” He rose from the couch and took Spock’s hand in his, leading him to the bed.

Overcome with lust and his need for Jim, Spock could not protest further and deny what Jim offered him. Perhaps he was a selfish old Vulcan, but this was Jim. Jim…young and vital and alive and Spock wished to feast on him.

He helped Jim remove his command and under shirts exposing gorgeous golden skin, perfect abs and pecs, perfection. Spock’s cock rose hard beneath his robes.

Jim put his arms around Spock’s neck and kissed him, his tongue tracing Spock’s lips. He shook a little in Jim’s arms. He could not help it. Spock’s lust had become a powerful thing. He was desperate to be inside his t’hy’la. Their tongues met, Spock’s entered Jim’s mouth and he was lost. Lost to the sensation of being with Jim.

Jim, still kissing him, reached for the folds of Spock’s robes, parting them, and easing the garment from Spock’s shoulders. “You’re beautiful still,” Jim assured him with another kiss and a smile.

Spock pushed Jim onto the bed and pulled at the fastenings of his black uniform pants. So much skin. He needed it all bare, exposed to him.

With the pants discarded, Jim stared at Spock while he slipped out of his briefs. “Now you. Get rid of your robe.”

Spock stepped out of his robes and lay on the bed, pulling Jim to him as they kissed deeply. His hands roamed over Jim’s bare skin, the bond humming with so much life it was as though it was bright and new again.

Jim’s hand closed over Spock’s erection, his fingers curling around the head of Spock’s penis. Spock could not hold back a moan.

“Where is the lubricant, Jim?” he managed to groan out, even as Jim’s nimble fingers worked his penis to the point he was impossibly hard, unbearably in need of Jim closing around him.

Jim blinked and then scrunched his brows together. “I’ll get it.” He wiggled onto his stomach, displaying the most perfect backside Spock had seen in years. Jim reached into a little drawer beside his bunk and withdrew a bottle. “You want me to do it?”

There would be time for that, hopefully. If Spock had his way, they would spend much of his time while on the ship in such activities, but for now, he shook his head. “No. I would like to do so.”

Jim tossed him the bottle and Spock caught it easily. He squirted out a lot, perhaps more than he needed, but he did not wish to harm Jim in any way. Enough of that had been done to this Jim. Spock knew this young one’s mind, his past. He would not hurt him.

Spock inserted a slicked finger in Jim’s ass.

Jim gasped and pushed against the finger before relaxing and allowing it deep inside. “More,” he told Spock.

He obliged by adding a second finger, which Jim took easily.

“Spock, come on, I’m ready.”

Spock shook his head. “I will decide when you are.” With a third finger, he spread Jim wide, pleased with the little mewling sounds Jim made.

“Now, please, now,” Jim demanded.

No longer able to deny what either of them desired, Spock pulled Jim up onto all fours and poised his cock at Jim’s entrance. Closing his eyes, Spock speared Jim’s ass, his penis pushing in deep, to his balls.

Jim whimpered which aroused Spock further. He gripped Jim’s hipbones and began to pound fast and hard, angling his cock to nail Jim’s prostate.

“No, do not,” Spock ordered when Jim went to grip his own cock. “You will wait.”

“Spock, please.”

“You will wait,” Spock said again, his voice cold and firm.

He thrust deep, pulled out, and then pushed in again, over and over until Jim was desperate, pawing at the bed, pushing back against the ride Spock gave him, his muscles squeezing Spock’s cock until he could not think logically.

The bond surrounded them, added to their pleasure, alight and buzzing. It was home to Spock.

“Ashayam,” he groaned. “Touch yourself.”

Jim gave a cry and then wrapped his fist around his erection and jerked frantically. His mind lit with a bright light and Spock could no longer hold back, he rammed Jim again and again until both of them were yelling, coming, pouring out, pouring in.

Spock collapsed against his young lover, covering him, protecting him. And they slept wrapped in each other’s arms.

****

Jim stood in the transporter room two weeks later faced with saying goodbye to Spock. This Spock. The one he had spent the last two weeks with, loving, talking with…everything. And now he had to say goodbye.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“You will never lose me, t’hy’la. You are my heart, my soul in any universe,” Spock assured him.

Jim shook his head. “Not this one. Not my Spock. We’re just friends here.”

“Jim,” Spock said, touching his fingers to his in the Vulcan kiss. “Once my Jim and I were only friends. Do not give up on Spock.”

“It’s not the same. He doesn’t want me. Can’t you-can’t you stay? Please?”

Spock gave him his gentle smile he seemed to only reserve for Jim. “Our time was brief and not meant to be. I was selfish when I took what was meant for another Spock.”

“No.”

“Yes. I do not regret it, ashaya. Never. As I said you are my t’hy’la. You are everything to me. But you are young and I—”

“Don’t say that. It’s not true.”

“It is. I must go, Jim. But if there is ever anything you need, anything you lack, if anyone ever mistreats you, harms you, I will be there for you,” Spock assured him.

“Be here for me now,” Jim insisted. He heard the doors open behind him but he ignored them. Didn’t turn around.

“T’hy’la,” Spock whispered. “All will be well.” He lifted his hand in the ta’al. “Live Long and Prosper.”

Jim mirrored the movement.

Spock looked past Jim. “Dr. McCoy, it is always a pleasure to see you.”

“Uh, yeah. You too,” Bones mumbled behind Jim.

Jim watched the old Vulcan step on the transporter and beam away. He stared after him for a long time.

Bones still stood there when Jim turned around. “You okay, Jim?”

Jim squeezed Bones’ shoulder as he went by. “I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

Leonard sighed when Jim left the transporter and shook his head. “Damn fools.”

“Doctor?”

He turned to see Spock. Young Spock standing there. “Didn’t hear you come in.”

“Has the ambassador left?”

“A few minutes ago,” Leonard said. “Hey, Spock?”

“Yes?”

“What does t’hy’la mean?”

Spock’s eyes widened slightly. “Where did you hear this word?”

“Spock. The other Spock. He called Jim by it.” Leonard shrugged. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost. You okay?”

“I have not seen an apparition, doctor.” Spock turned and left the transporter without another word.

“Damn fools.”


	23. Spock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Companion piece to Chapter 22, Spock Prime
> 
> This is Spock/James T. Kirk

Spock walked out of the transporter room feeling…stunned. His counterpart had called his captain his t’hy’la? That could not be correct. This Jim was not the same as his counterpart’s Jim. He could not lay claim to this Jim. It was not right. He would not _allow_ it.

He was due to have dinner with Nyota in her quarters. His mind was disordered, he needed meditation. But he made his way to her quarters and gained immediate access.

“Spock, there you are.” She smiled at him. “I was about to comm you.” She came toward him, then stopped. “Spock, what’s wrong?”

“I do not know,” Spock admitted. “I am going to have to cancel our dinner engagement.”

Nyota frowned. “What? Why? Is it ship’s business?”

“Negative. I am…in need of meditation.”

“You’re scaring me.”

“This is personal,” Spock said. “There is no cause for alarm.”

“Personal?” She laughed. “No cause for alarm? Spock, I’m your girlfriend, remember?”

He nodded. “I am sorry. I must go.”

Spock did not wait for further conversation and instead left her quarters and headed toward his own. Captain Kirk’s quarters were next to his and Spock stopped in front of the door. He placed his hand there. He did not know why. Did not know what he sought behind that door. Or perhaps he did.

Spock should have known. His counterpart had come to the hospital. Had hovered over Kirk. Touched him when he thought no one else was looking. But Spock had seen. It had twisted in his gut like a festering wound, though Spock had not known why it bothered him so much.

And then when his counterpart had been on the Enterprise for two weeks, Spock had ignored the signs. Had not wanted to see the closeness, the intimacy between them. If he had opened his eyes he would have seen the obvious. His counterpart wanted Spock’s captain. His own was no longer around, so he sought to take Spock’s from him.

“Mine,” Spock panted against the door, breathing heavily. He straightened immediately, shocked by his words, his thoughts. Kirk was not his. They were friends only. He was in a relationship with Nyota.

Spock walked stiffly to his own quarters and went straight to his meditation area to meditate.

****

When Spock was done with meditation, he returned everything to its place and got himself tea. But he was still restless, his mind still disordered. His thoughts constantly went to his captain.

They’d been intimate, Spock was certain. His counterpart and Jim. Now that he knew what his counterpart had called Jim, Spock realized they’d spent the last two weeks together…very close.

He clenched his fists and pounded on the table. “Mine!”

The meditation had not helped. He was still agitated, still in need of…Jim. He would need to see him. Must. He should already have demanded entrance to his captain’s quarters. But he stopped at the door of his own quarters. What would he say? What could he say?

Spock tried more meditation and finally he fell into a fitful sleep. Vulcans did not usually dream but he was half only and he was disturbed by dreams where Spock claimed Jim as his t’hy’la only to have his captain tell him he belonged to Spock’s counterpart.

When Spock stepped onto the bridge, Captain Kirk was already there. His gaze landed on Spock briefly before returning at once to the view screen in front of him. Spock clenched his fists and took a step forward which caught the attention of Ensign Chekov who looked back at him with a frown.

Spock blinked and turned back to his science station. But every time the captain spoke, Spock tensed. He felt it in his stomach.

He began to imagine Jim with his counterpart and it enraged him. He slammed his fist down. “Mine!”

Jim turned in his chair. “Spock? What the hell?”

Spock saw that not only was his captain staring but so were Nyota and most of the rest of the crew.

“What is yours?” Jim asked, frowning.

 _You_.

“Nothing, Captain. It was just an unusual reading,” Spock replied, keeping his expression blank.

Jim nodded. “All right.” He turned back once more to the screen ahead of them. Spock ignored the looks Nyota gave him and he attempted to concentrate on his station.

****

The moment Spock stepped inside his captain’s quarters he could scent his counterpart. Eventually both he and Jim would move back to their original quarters. These were temporary ones after the ship had sustained damage. His counterpart had stayed on the other side of Jim, but now Spock suspected he’d spend all of his time here with Jim.

“What color do you wanna be?” Jim asked.

“Captain?”

“Chess, Spock. Remember? White or black?”

“Black is acceptable.”

Jim nodded. “You okay? You’ve been acting weird even for you the last couple of days.”

“My counterpart stayed here,” Spock said.

“Uh, yeah. Well, mostly. But that’s not what I asked.”

“You were intimate with him.”

Jim’s eyes went wide. “Excuse me?”

Spock clenched his jaw. “I can smell him everywhere.”

“Okay.” Jim blew out a breath. “But really? Who I’m intimate with, as you put it, is really not your business. At all.”

“I apologize.”

Jim nodded. “Let’s just play chess.”

Spock sat stiffly beside the chess set. He’d sat here just like this numerous times since their five year mission began. He spent a lot of time with Jim. More time really than he spent with Nyota, which Spock was aware of because she often remarked on it.

In fact the time his counterpart had been here, Spock barely got to see Jim and he felt the loss poignantly. Now knowing what he did, the loss was even more crushing.

Spock wondered how long he had been unaware of how much Jim meant to him. He had thought when Jim died fixing the warp core he had realized that Jim was his closest friend. As he watched him recover in the hospital, he had never known such relief. And he had recognized the feelings of jealousy he’d felt toward his older counterpart whenever he was around Jim.

He’d thought he might be jealous of any time Jim spent with others since he’d had similar discomfort over Jim’s easy friendship with Dr. McCoy. But Jim had not been sexually involved with McCoy.

Spock slammed his fist down. “Mine!”

Jim stared at him. “What the fuck was that?”

Spock exhaled, trying to calm his racing heart. “I apologize, Jim. I am not myself.”

“Maybe you should see Bones.”

“It is not Dr. McCoy I need,” Spock snapped.

“Okay, what the hell, Spock?” Jim stood up. “What’s gotten into you?’

Spock stood too and before he even thought about it, he grabbed Jim’s wrist to prevent him from moving away. “You are _not_ his t’hy’la.”

“Wh-what?” Jim tugged on his wrist.

“He cannot claim you,” Spock insisted.

“Okay, you are seriously insane right now. Let go of my wrist, Commander.”

Spock shook his head. “You are mine.”

Jim laughed. “You need help, Spock. I’m calling Bones.”

“No!” Spock shouted. When he saw Jim flinch, he forced himself to calm. “I would never hurt you, Jim. Ever.”

“Your previous actions suggest otherwise.”

Spock straightened. “You refer to that moment of emotional compromise on the bridge.”

“Look, I don’t want to go over old stuff between us. And I don’t know what’s going on with you. Maybe you’ve got the Andorian flu or something.”

“I do not.” Spock took a deep breath. “Jim, I am aware that my counterpart called you t’hy’la.”

Jim frowned. “Yeah, so?”

“Are you aware of what that is?”

“A Vulcan endearment. Like ashayam.”

Spock shook his head. “No. It is much more complicated. He called you his mate. The one who is meant for him both in mind and body. An ancient and volatile Vulcan bond.”

Jim licked his lips. “Oh.”

“I suspect he is confused.”

“Confused?”

“Likely his Captain Kirk from his time was his t’hy’la. You are a reminder of him. You are very much the same, but also different.” Spock pulled Jim closer. They were just bare inches apart. “You are _my_ t’hy’la not his.”

Jim was already shaking his head.

“It is true. Ever since the doctor told me he had called you by the name which is my right I have been restless, my mind disordered.”

“If it were true, you would have known before this.”

“I did know. I chose to ignore it. To be blinded. But I knew. Jim, I cannot stand the thought of you with anyone else. I am disturbed even by the doctor’s friendship.”

“Bones?”

“Yes. He knows you better than I do. He knows secrets you will not share with me. And now to know you gave yourself to…to my counterpart. It is an ache, Jim.”

“Spock, I’m no one’s property. I belong to me. And I am friends and lovers with who I want to be with. I don’t know about this ancient bond thing, but—”

“I will show you.” Spock’s fingers went to Jim’s face. “Please?”

Jim nodded slowly. “All right.”

Spock melded with him, their minds joining for the first time, and Spock wondered again how he had not known. How he could not have guessed. Jim’s mind was brilliant, bright, loving, so compelling. And his. Whatever Jim might say, Jim was his. And he was Jim’s.

Without breaking their link, Spock gazed into Jim’s eyes. “Do you see?”

“Spock,” Jim whispered, his voice trembling.

Spock leaned his forehead against Jim’s. “This is what I want, this is what I need. It is ours. Yours. Mine. No one else’s.”

“Yes.”

Spock kissed him. “I want more than anything to be with you, t’hy’la. But first—”

“Uhura.”

He nodded. “I do not wish to hurt her, but I am aware I will. You and I cannot be together until I have ended our relationship.”

Jim swallowed and moved away from Spock. It didn’t break their link, but it brought physical distance between them and Spock felt the pain of loss. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“Jim—”

Jim smiled. “It’s all right, Spock. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

Spock took a step toward him, wanting to touch, to claim. He resisted. “I will return.”

“I know.”

Spock leaned forward to touch his forehead to Jim’s again. The slight touch calmed him. “I promise.”

He kissed Jim and then turned and left Jim’s quarters. He wanted to stay, knew he could not. But it would not be long and they’d be together.

 _His_ t’hy’la. 


	24. Jim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final Companion piece to Spock Prime and Spock

Not long after Spock left, Jim’s door chimed again. He was half tempted to ignore it but then if it was Spock…

“Enter.”

“Jim, what the hell’s up with Spock?” Bones asked without preamble as he entered Jim’s quarters.

“Huh?”

“I just saw him outside in the corridor and he growled at me.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. And he said that I was permitted to visit you. Get that, I was  _permitted_. But I was not to touch you.”

“Uh.”

Bones stared at him. “What’s going on?”

“Well, Spock is, well, he’s sort of…it’s difficult to explain.”

“Try me. I don’t get you, Jim, and your fascination with the hobgoblins. First it was the other one. The one from the other universe or time or whatever it is.” Bones shook his head. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but you and the other hobgoblin, well, to put it delicately, you were awfully chummy.”

Jim knew he was blushing. “Yeah. We, ah, kind of sort of were involved.”

Bones smirked. “Kind of sort of? Either you were or you weren’t.”

“We were.”

“I thought so. And what the hell? Where was Spock going anyway?”

“I can’t really say, Bones. It’s Spock’s personal business and I don’t think he’d appreciate me telling you. If it were just me, I would. But this is Spock.”

“You’re making less sense than usual, Jim. And you’re giving me a headache, so I’m gonna go find Carol and see if we can get drunk together.”

Jim smiled. “Probably a good idea.”

Bones reached over to squeeze Jim’s shoulder, but Jim stepped away. His friend frowned. “What?”

“No offense, Bones, but I think until things are settled with Spock, you should probably listen to him when he says not to touch me.”

“How would he even know?”

Jim blew out a breath. “Trust me, he’d know. Thanks for coming by, Bones, really, and everything will make sense eventually.”

“With you and the hobgoblin? Doubtful. See you, Jim.”

With Bones gone, Jim was restless. He didn’t know if Spock had gone straight to Uhura to break up with her or what.

He sat behind his desk and found himself contacting Spock. The other Spock. Jim didn’t even know what to say. Exactly.

When Spock’s face appeared on his terminal though, Jim couldn’t help but smile.

“Jim, I did not expect to hear from you so soon,” Spock told him.

“I just needed to see you,” Jim admitted. “Are you okay?”

Spock nodded. “I am well.”

Jim licked his lips. “You were right by the way.”

Spock raised a brow. “About?”

“Spock. He’s…well he and I…I think it’s going to be okay.”

“Ah.” Spock nodded. “I am pleased.”

“Are you?”

“I only want for you to be happy, ashayam.”

Jim’s throat constricted. “I could be happy with you,” he whispered.

“For a time, yes,” Spock agreed. “But I am old, Jim. Our time would be too brief for both of us. And you belong to this Spock, just as I belonged to my Jim.”

“Yeah, I know. We…shared a meld.” Jim sighed. “I just…really love you. Is that all right?”

Spock’s eyes softened. “I reciprocate. Jim, our feelings are not unusual. We share a powerful bond whenever we meet. Any universe, any timeline.”

Jim smiled. “I like the sound of that. Anyway, he has to break things off with Uhura first.” He sighed. “I’m sorry about that. I didn’t want her to get hurt.”

“It is unfortunate, but unavoidable since he had already established a relationship with her prior to his meeting you, his t’hy’la.”

“Yeah.” A sudden feeling of anger and…jealousy flashed through his mind. “Uh-oh.”

“What is it?”

Jim swallowed. “I’m pretty sure Spock knows I’m talking to you. And he doesn’t like it.”

Spock looked amused. “I am not surprised my younger counterpart is jealous. After all we did share an intimacy he has not yet experienced with you.”

The anger and jealousy spiked and Jim winced. “Uh, yeah. I think I’d better go.” He held up his hand in the ta’al. “Live Long and Prosper, Spock.”

Even as Jim said it the door to his quarters was being accessed. “Kirk out.” He slammed out of the transmission. Stood up from behind the desk, came around to the other side just as Spock stormed in.

The look in Spock’s eyes reminded him very much of the Vulcan who’d tried to strangle him on the bridge.

“Spock,” Jim attempted in a calm voice.

“Mine,” Spock growled, stalking forward.

Jim backed up until he was against the bulkhead and could go no farther. He licked his lips and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Yet you were just conversing with my counterpart.”

“How-how did you know?” Jim asked, even though really he knew how.

“We share a link. You are my t’hy’la.  _Mine_.”

“It was just a conversation, Spock.”

Spock stalked closer, his hot breath fanning Jim’s face. “The minute I left you sought out your lover.”

 Jim shook his head. “No, I didn’t. And besides Bones was here first.”

Spock’s eyes flared. “Did he touch you?”

“No, he said you told him not to.”

“Excellent. Why did you contact my counterpart?” Spock demanded. He slammed his hands into the bulkhead on either side of Jim’s head. His eyes still looked murderous.

“Just to talk, Spock, I swear. And to tell him that you and I were working things out. Like he said we would.”

Spock stared at him.

“It’s true. We’re not anything anymore, Spock. Just friends. It’s you I want.”

“You feel affection for him,” Spock accused.

“I do, yeah. He’s you.”

“He is not me!” Spock nearly shouted. “And you belong to me.”

“Spock.”

“Say it!”

“You aren’t in Pon Farr or something, are you?”

Spock’s eyes went colder.

“I’m yours,” Jim whispered. “I belong to you.”

Spock growled and nuzzled Jim’s neck. “Mine.”

Jim exhaled and wrapped his arms around Spock’s torso. “Yeah, babe, yeah, I’m yours. And you’re mine.”

He felt teeth nip at the pulse of his throat and then a tongue licked the sting out of the bite.

“You just marked me, didn’t you?”

“Mm.” Spock trailed kisses from Jim’s throat up to his jaw, covered in a day’s worth of stubble.

“Not that I want to kill the mood or anything, but, uh, Uhura?”

Spock paused in his assault of Jim’s jaw. “I have spoken with Nyota.”

“Oh. So you came here from there? That fast?”

“I had not intended to,” Spock admitted. “I intended to wait a day or so to come to you, but then I became aware of your contact with my counterpart.”

“Are you going to have a problem every time I talk to him?”

Spock nodded, sucking Jim’s bottom lip into his mouth. “He touched you. You were intimate with him. You are—”

“Yours, yeah, I got that.” Jim smiled. “What am I going to do with you?”

“It is what I am going to do with you, t’hy’la. First, I must stake my claim.”

Jim’s pulse increased. “Your claim?”

“Yes. I must take you.”

“Take me?” Jim’s breath hitched even as he felt his briefs tighten as his cock grew hard. “Fuck. That sounds…primitive.”

“Affirmative. I will make you mine. Again and again.” Spock slipped a hand between their bodies and squeezed Jim’s crotch. “This is mine. Every part of you. I will bury myself within you and without you. My scent will be on you.”

Jim gasped. “I-I gotta say that sounds kind of like an animal.”

“I will claim you here against the wall.”

“As great as that sounds and all,” Jim panted as Spock undid the buttons and zipper of his pants. “The lube is over there, by the bed.”

“Silence,” Spock ordered, biting Jim’s throat.

“O-kay, but—”

Spock’s hand covered Jim’s mouth. “You have difficulty following orders, Captain. Perhaps I shall have to spank you as well.”

Jim nodded frantically.

“You like that idea, hmm?” Spock pulled him from the wall and pushed him toward the bed, a little hard, so that he stumbled a bit before landing on the bed.

“Jesus,” Jim breathed out. He landed on his back and Spock was already pawing at his clothes. “Seriously, are you sure you aren’t in Pon Farr?”

Spock nodded but said nothing. Just finished undressing Jim and then before Jim could react, Spock had flipped him over onto his stomach and smacked him hard enough on the ass to cause Jim to yelp. He braced himself for the next one which came down as hard as the first. Spock’s hand slapped his ass three more times before Jim was once more moved to his back.

“Fuck, I’m like a rag doll to you, huh?”

“Shh, t’hy’la” Spock said, his voice was no longer hard and angry, but had softened to a deep, huskiness that made Jim a little crazed.

Spock stripped out of his own clothes with Vulcan efficiency and then knelt on the bed beside Jim. He braced his arms on either side of Jim and looked down at him. The storminess of before had dissipated, but had not left the brown eyes of his mate entirely.

“I want you to ride me,” Spock said in that same low husky voice.

Jim swallowed. “Ride you?”

“Yes.” Spock lay on the bed on his back and handed the lube to Jim. “Prepare yourself and then lower yourself on my cock.”

Jim’s eyes widened but he scrambled to do as Spock said. He had to obey and he had a moment to wonder if that was some sort of mind control through the bond. But hell…he didn’t care.

He squirted out lube and locked his gaze with Spock’s. Spock then lowered his gaze to watch as Jim inserted two lubed fingers into his ass. Jim’s breaths shorted, feeling the intensity of Spock’s eyes on him as well as having his fingers inside him.

Jim felt Spock’s lust and arousal through the tentative link they already had from their earlier meld. It spiked his own and unable to wait any longer, he pulled his fingers out and straddled Spock.

“Mine,” Spock said again, his brown eyes turning impossibly warm and possessive.

“Yes, Spock, yours. Always yours.” Jim slammed himself down on Spock’s erect cock. He closed his eyes, feeling the sensation of Spock truly possessing him, all of him, as Spock began to thrust up into Jim.

Jim pushed down even as Spock slammed up and Jim couldn’t stop himself from screaming. God, it was intense. The link they’d had that formed within the meld sparked bright and powerful, humming in the back of Jim’s brain, and it was wondrous and new and damn it just made him hornier.

Spock bucked beneath him so hard Jim had to scramble for purchase and it reminded him a bit of the old Earth bull riders. Jim gave Spock back what he gave to Jim, pushing and thrusting and panting. The bunk creaked and groaned as their ride became more frantic, deeper.

Jim’s cock leaked pre-cum and he was desperate to touch it. But the thought had barely formed and Spock was reaching for him, grasping Jim’s erection in a tight grip and Jim shouted something, whatever, he couldn’t even fucking recognize his own voice.

“Spock, gah, Spock!”

Cum splattered over Spock’s abs and Jim tilted as Spock rammed right up into him, shooting inside him with a grunt.

Groaning, Jim slipped off Spock and collapsed on the bed. His ass hurt, his muscles hurt, hell everything hurt. Except his head…that felt fucking awesome.

He lay there panting beside Spock and Jim had to grin when he realized Spock was doing some panting of his own.

“You are amused?”

“Hell, yeah. You’re fucking awesome.”

“So you are satisfied with our intimate encounter?”

Jim chuckled. “Yeah, I’m satisfied. My satisfaction is all over your stomach.”

“T’hy’la,” Spock said in a slightly scandalized voice.

“Well yours is up my ass.”

“Jim!”

Jim laughed again. “Don’t be so shocked, Spock. You’re the one who was only just a while ago growling mine until I couldn’t resist you anymore.”

“I am not shocked,” Spock insisted.

“Not even a little?” Jim smirked.

“Hmm.” Spock suddenly moved until he loomed over Jim. He stared down at him, dark eyes warm and almost shining, Jim would swear. “Perhaps a little.”

Jim touched Spock’s jaw. “Mine.”

Spock nodded. “Yours.” 


	25. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pretty much inspired by the Heart song, Alone

Jim nervously waited outside Spock’s quarters. He didn’t know why he was so nervous. He’d talked to Spock a million times. Tonight would be nothing new. Except…it would.

He had finally decided to stop dancing around his feelings about his first officer and come clean with Spock. Jim was sure—okay kinda sure—Spock might like him too. A little.

If his calculations were correct, and hell didn’t he even sound like Spock now, and Spock did love him back—okay he totally cringed at the L word—everything would be fine. Would be great even.

Jim frowned when there was still no response to his request for entry. When he’d last seen Spock on the bridge he was sure Spock said he would be in his quarters.

Technically he could access Spock’s quarters, he could access anyone’s, but Jim didn’t feel right using that authority, so after a few more minutes of waiting he gave up and returned, disappointed, to his own quarters.

He stared at his communicator. If Spock was otherwise occupied, Jim shouldn’t bother him. Still…

“Kirk to Spock.” He tried on their personal channel he would use when he invited Spock for chess or whatever rather than using his command one. He knew Spock would always answer the command one. But there was no response to their personal one.

He tossed the communicator aside. “Computer, locate Commander Spock.”

“Commander Spock is in the recreation room.”

Jim sighed. _Great_. Okay, he certainly wasn’t going there to give Spock his declaration. Then a thought occurred to him. “Computer, locate Lieutenant Uhura.”

“Lieutenant Nyota Uhura is in the recreation room.”

His chest constricted just a little. It didn’t necessarily mean they were together, but, well, it didn’t mean they weren’t. Or something.

Jim flopped down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. This was not at all how he had expected the night to go. He’d been thinking about this for days, planning a time when they would both be off duty at the same time and be able to spend the whole night together, if they wanted to, which of course he did.

But now? Jim was starting to think he was going to end up alone for the night after all. And the more he laid there by himself the more he started to doubt telling Spock was a good idea after all.

What if Spock and Uhura were together in the rec room because they were trying to reconcile. If they were, should Jim stand in the way? Maybe those warm looks Spock was sending him—well, warm looks for Spock—were totally in Jim’s imagination. Something he wanted to see.

Shit. Should he ask Bones? Pish, Bones would just ask him what he was thinking being in love with the hobgoblin. He’d be no help at all.

Jim closed his eyes and tried to imagine the scenario with Spock.

_“Hey, Spock,” Jim would say. “I’m in love with you.”_

_“Why?” Spock would ask._

_Jim would stare at him dumbstruck. “Why?”_

_“Yes. Why?”_

_“Uh, because you’re really smart and hot and …geez I don’t know,” Jim would babble._

_“Your feelings are illogical,” Spock would reply._

_“So, you don’t feel the same way?”_

_Spock would arch his Vulcan brow. “Why would I?”_

Jim opened his eyes and sat up, sweating and feeling vaguely nauseous.

Oh, God, what had he been thinking? That’s exactly how it would go. His lofty idea of revealing his feelings to Spock was laughable. Spock had to witness Jim’s death before he would even begrudgingly admit they were friends.

He stood up from the bed and started pacing. Okay, so he hadn’t done it. Hadn’t made that mistake. It was all right. He hadn’t blown it and made an idiot of himself. There was nothing he had to salvage, it was all good.

Jim went into the bathroom and splashed a little bit of water on his face. Maybe he’d even go to the rec room and see for himself what Spock and Uhura were doing.

Satisfied with that plan, Jim headed to that deck. As soon as he approached the rec room he heard Uhura singing and it sounded like the Vulcan Lyre accompanying her. So, they were performing together. _Great_.

He stood at the door deciding whether to go in. Chekov came out.

“Oh, Keptin. Are you going inside?”

Jim shrugged. “I was thinking about it.”

“Mister Spock is playing. You should go.”

Jim forced a smile. “Yeah, you’re right.” He entered the rec room and tried to sneak around the side of the room to the back but it was difficult, because, well he was the captain, and everyone seemed to notice him and several called out greetings to him, which he politely returned.

He leaned against the wall in the back, crossed his arms in front of his chest, and watched Spock and Uhura perform. He had to admit they were pretty good. At the end of their set, they were swamped with admirers, and Jim used the opportunity to slip out of the room. He wasn’t even sure they’d known he was there, which was fine with him.

Back in his quarters, Jim found the small bottle of whiskey Bones had given him the Christmas before and poured a shot of it. He went to his couch and sat down with it.

Okay, so he didn’t tell Spock he loved him. He was starting to think maybe he never would. Maybe being alone was what was supposed to happen for him. Hell, he’d always gotten by on his own. All this time he’d never really loved anyone before. Sure, Jim had fun. Lots of fun. But actual feelings? Like what he had now? Never. Not until Spock.

And now maybe Jim would just bury those feelings. Or rebury them. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t been feeling them for a long time.

The door of his quarters chimed.

“Enter,” Jim said wearily.

Spock stepped inside, his hands clenched behind his back. “Captain.”

“Hi, Spock.”

“You attempted to reach me earlier?”

Jim smiled a little and downed his shot of whiskey. “Did I?”

“There is indication you came to my quarters and also you attempted to contact me via the communicator. Was their pressing business?”

“Nah.” Jim shook his head. “Just wanted to talk to you.”

“If I had known you wished to converse I would have arranged to be available,” Spock said.

“Honestly, it wasn’t important.”

“Nyota had asked me to accompany her tonight in the rec room. You were there.”

Jim smiled. “Yeah, you were good.”

“Why did you not stay after if you wished to converse?”

“Like I said, it wasn’t important. And you had enough people there wanting to talk to you.”

Spock came closer to the couch. “What did you wish to talk about?”

Jim shook his head, feeling his chest tighten. “It doesn’t matter.”

“You came to my quarters, tried to reach me on the communicator, and came to the rec room,” Spock pointed out.

Jim shrugged. “Had nothing better to do.”

“Why are you reticent now?”

He blew out a breath and shrugged. “I think maybe it’s something neither of us is ready to talk about. You know when I thought you were gonna be there, easy to find, I was all prepared. But the more I had to wait, I guess I just decided not to do it.”

Spock studied him in silence. “I am here now.”

Jim craned his neck a little more to look at him. “Yeah and looking up at you like this is starting to give me a pain in the neck.”

“Very well.” Spock moved to sit next to him on the couch. “Is this better?”

Jim licked his suddenly dry lips. “I’m not sure.”

“I will assist you.”

He blinked. “You-you will?”

Spock nodded. “You wish to advise me that you are in love with me.”

His eyes widened. “Shit. How-how did you know?”

“It was the only logical conclusion given your reluctance. You are not, by nature, a hesitant individual, unless it concerns something meaningful.”

Jim frowned. “I think you just called me shallow.”

Spock inclined his head. “I have been waiting for this.”

“Wait, what?”

“I had already calculated the odds that you were in love with me to be eighty-eight point six percent.”

“Those are pretty high odds.”

“Acknowledged. I have been wagering with Nyota as to how long it would take for you to tell me.”

“You were wagering?” Jim asked, incredulous. “I didn’t even know Vulcans gambled.”

“We do not.”

“But—”

“This was as they say…a sure thing.”

“Okay, I think maybe that whiskey is going to my brain. What the hell does this all mean, Spock? Do you return my feelings or what?”

Spock held up two fingers which he presented to Jim. “May I have your fingers?”

Jim touched his same fingers to Spock’s. There was a little zing and then warmth. He smiled. “That’s nice.”

“It is a Vulcan kiss. Between two bondmates.”

“A Vulcan kiss? Wait, what?” Jim stared at Spock.

Spock leaned forward. “I return your feelings.” And then his lips found Jim’s.    


	26. Clarity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just fluffiness. Slightly altered from the blog version I posted.

Jim opened his eyes to see Spock and Uhura standing by his hospital bed, peering at him anxiously. It took a moment to process where he was. Oh, right. Transfusion, Khan’s blood.

“Captain?” There was a note of panic in Spock’s voice. Jim wasn’t sure why. Spock’s hands gripped the side of the bed.

“Captain, are you all right?” Uhura asked, biting her lip.

“Dr. McCoy,” Spock called.

Jim frowned. “What?”

Spock straightened, released his grip on the hospital bed. “You were staring and not responding to our attempts to engage you in conversation.”

“It takes a minute, okay?” He huffed impatiently. “I died, remember?”

Spock looked unhappy. “I assure you I recall it with clarity.”

“Well, for God’s sake don’t call Bones in here. He’s been breathing all over me since I woke up in this hell hole.”

“If you find this facility inadequate, Captain, we will have you moved at once.”

Jim sighed. “No, Spock.”

“If it is similar to the Terran myth of hell then I do not want you to have to suffer,” Spock insisted.

“Spock, I think the captain is just using a bit of exaggeration because he is unhappy to be stuck here. Right, Captain?” Uhura smiled at him.

Jim forced a smile, because really, what else could he do? “Yeah, she’s exactly right, Spock.”

“Nevertheless, if this place is unacceptable, Dr. McCoy and I will work together to find you a better facility, whether approved by Starfleet or not.”

“It’s fine, Spock. Really.”

Uhura reached for his hand and squeezed it. “I just came by to say hi, see how you’re doing. Spock says you’re doing well. You look great.”

“Thanks. If I ever get out of here maybe we can all go have drinks or something.” Go on a double date in hell, Jim thought. Who he would take, he didn’t know. And he’d have to pretend seeing them together didn’t fucking kill him. Again.

She smiled. “That would be great.” She turned to Spock and stood on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “I’ll see you later, right?”

Spock nodded, his brown eye softening. “Yes, Nyota.”

Jim watched as she left the hospital room. His chest ached and he wasn’t really even sure why. Scratch that. He knew why.  He was pretending again.

“You don’t have to stay, you know. You can go with her.”

“My presence is unwelcome?”

“No.” Jim waved. “It’s just no one likes to be stuck visiting someone in the hospital. And you’ve been here every day. Haven’t you?”

“I have,” Spock acknowledged. He pulled up the chair he usually sat in. “When I have not had to attend required meetings.”

“How’s that going anyway?”

“About as can be expected. Once you have been cleared by Dr. McCoy from your recuperation, I am certain they will wish to meet with you.”

“I’m kind of surprised they haven’t already been in here to bug me.”

“Dr. McCoy and I will not allow it.”

“You won’t allow it?”

Spock nodded. “We have advised we would have you moved to a secretive location where they would be unable to locate you if they attempt to interfere with your recovery.”

“You’re something else, Spock. Really. But you honestly don’t have to spend all your time here. I’m gonna be fine. Even Bones said so. I’m sure Uhura wants you to spend time with her.”

“She does not especially care,” Spock said quietly.

Jim snorted. “You’re her boyfriend, I am sure she does, Spock.”

“Captain, there is something that I believe I must explain with more clarity than I have thus far accomplished.”

Jim frowned. He was getting a headache. “What?”

“I wish to explain something.”

Jim nodded. “Okay, I’m listening.

“Nyota and I are only friends.”

“Friends? But weren’t you—”

“Affirmative. However, we ended our relationship shortly after your initial revival.” Spock paused, stood up from the bed and came closer to Jim. “It was mutually agreed upon that we made better friends than romantic partners.”

“Oh.” Jim blinked, licked his lips. “Are you okay?”

“Ending my relationship with Nyota did not emotionally compromise me,” Spock assured him. “But there is something that did.”

“Really? What?”

Spock’s dark eyes turned stormy. “Your death.  I realized I was no longer able to ignore my emotional turmoil. I am aware that you do not return my romantic regard, Jim, but if you will allow—”

“Are you crazy?”

Spock’s brows furrowed.  “Captain?”

Jim laughed. Maybe a little hysterically. “Spock, when I was dying in the chamber, I tried to tell you.”

“Tell me?”

“God, I love you so much.”

Spock’s eyes widened and he was holding onto Jim in an instant. Jim wrapped his arms around Spock, and Spock tilted Jim’s head back to kiss Jim’s lips. They kissed for so long they both almost forgot to breathe.

When Jim finally pulled away, he was grinning like a fool and Spock’s eyes were shining.

“Is that enough clarity for you, Captain?” Spock asked, rubbing his thumb along Jim’s bottom lip.

“Oh yeah, Spock. It’s perfectly clear. Kiss me again.”

And Spock did.

“Oh, for God’s sake!” Bones grumbled from the doorway. “This is a hospital not a Holiday Inn!”  


	27. Only Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playing around with POVs

**Dr. Leonard McCoy**

I’d been told to wait in the transporter room for the landing party to beam back on board the Enterprise. Members of the landing party had been injured. M’Benga had been requested to be there as well. I figured that probably meant Spock was among those injured.

I suspected Jim was too because often when he was with the landing party, which was almost always, something went wrong, and generally Jim was a part of it.

The transporter activated and five crew members appeared. Sulu, Scotty, Uhura, and Jim, holding onto a bloody and unconscious Spock. Jim was smeared with Spock’s blood. M’Benga immediately went forward for Spock.

“What happened?” M’Benga demanded.

“Shot by one of the natives down there. Some kind of poison arrow thing,” Jim barked out. “Sulu analyzed it. Sulu, help M’Benga.”

“Yes, Captain.”

I watched as they quickly loaded Spock onto a stretcher and wheeled him out. Uhura hung back but looked like she wanted to follow.

Jim nodded at her. “Go ahead, Lieutenant.”

“Thank you, sir.” And she was out the door.

“Jim, what happened down there? Are you injured?” I demanded, looking him over, but I saw no outward signs of injuries, no signs of any red blood.

Jim’s mouth was grim, his stance all business. “Not me. Scotty hit his head. I want you to check him out.”

“I’m fine, Captain,” Scotty protested.

“Just to be on the safe side, Scotty. Don’t argue.”

“Aye, sir.”

I hesitated. “What happened?”

“We were ambushed. They shot Spock first. We fought them off. Scotty fell and hit his head when we were running away.” Jim shook his head. “I need to get to the bridge, get the ship out of here and talk to Starfleet. Keep me posted on Mr. Spock.”

Before I could question him further, Jim was out the door and running down the corridor.

**Lieutenant Nyota Uhura**

The medbay was quiet. Too quiet. I couldn’t stop pacing. If something happened to Spock, I didn’t know if I could face it.

Even though Spock and I had been having our problems for a while now, and we had in fact ended our romantic relationship two weeks earlier, I still considered him my closest friend and confidante. And I knew Spock felt the same about me. I had been standing next to Spock on the planet surface when he’d been shot.

The doors of the medbay opened and in strode Kirk. He still had streaks of green blood on his face and his shirt, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Any word?”

“No, sir. He’s been in there for hours. No one’s come out.”

Kirk’s gaze went to the closed surgery doors. His expression was hard, cool, collected. He nodded. “If there’s any change, notify me.”

“Yes, Captain,” I agreed.

He turned away and headed for the doors.

“Captain?” I called after him.

He didn’t turn away but he did stop. “Yes?”

“Are you all right?” I asked, hugging myself. I wasn’t used to this quiet, reserved, hardened Kirk. I was worried.

“I’m fine, Lieutenant.”

And then he was out the doors.

The surgery doors opened then and Dr. M’Benga came out.

“Doctor?”

“He’s in a healing trance now, Uhura,” M’Benga said. “The worst is over.”

“So he’ll be all right?”

“Yes, we got to him in time. The poison hadn’t entered his bloodstream.” He paused. “If it had, this would be a whole different story.”

“Can I see him?”

“When we move him to a biobed.” M’Benga patted my arm and then went back into the surgery room.

I went to the comm on the wall. “Uhura to Captain Kirk.”

“Kirk here.”

“He’s going to be all right, Captain. Dr. M’Benga said he’s in the healing trance now. They’re moving him out of surgery.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant. Kirk out.”

**Commander Spock**

Nyota came by for the second time since I had awakened earlier. I had also been visited by Mr. Sulu and Mr. Chekov as well as both Dr. McCoy and Dr. M’Benga.

“Spock, you look great,” she exclaimed.

“You said that earlier.”

“You look even better this time. Can I get you anything? Are you allowed tea?”

“Yes. I would find that agreeable, Nyota. Thank you.”

She went to the synthesizer in the corner and returned with a cup of tea a moment later. She handed it to me with a smile.

I observed her over the edge of the teacup for a moment, then said, “The answer is no.”

“I didn’t ask anything.”

“You were about to ask if Captain Kirk had been by to see me as you did when you were here earlier.”

She huffed. “Okay I was. I can’t believe him.”

“What do you mean?”

“You two are bosom buddies! You play chess, you take your meals together, and you’re rarely seen without the other! And he can’t be bothered to come in and check on you?”

“I am sure the captain is busy, Nyota. He is down one of his senior officers.”

“He’s not just down any senior officer, Spock, he’s down _you_. He should be in here right now!”

“I am sure when he finds the time he will be, Nyota.”

“Finds the time? He can find the time now—”

Captain Kirk suddenly appeared directly behind her but Nyota hadn’t heard him so she continued to rant about him. He crossed his arms over his chest.

I opened my mouth to advise her.

“Don’t defend him! You know I’m right and—”

The captain finally cleared his throat behind her. Nyota spun around so fast she almost lost her balance.

“Oh! Captain.”

“Lieutenant.”

“I was uh just uh talking to Spock.”

“So, I heard.”

“About-about one of the lab techs,” she said obviously flustered.

“Hmm. You are dismissed, Uhura,” the captain said.

“Yes, sir. I’ll be by to see you tomorrow, Spock.”

“Thank you, Nyota.”

When she left, the captain approached my bed. “How are you, Spock?”

“I am well, Captain. Dr. M’Benga expects that I will be released the day after tomorrow.”

Captain Kirk nodded. “Bones told me.

I studied him, saw the dark smudges under his eyes, the fine lines around his mouth. “You have not rested?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“When was the last time you slept, Captain?”

He shrugged. “Since before we returned from the planet.”

“Surely, Mr. Scott can provide you enough relief to sleep.”

“I’m needed on the bridge and I don’t require it.”

“Captain—”

“I have to get back to the bridge,” he said. “I’m glad you’re recovering, Spock.”

I blinked as I watched him exit the medbay.

**Captain James T. Kirk**

Spock had been back on duty for three days. At first when Spock had left the medbay he had attempted to see me, had attempted to invite me to a meal or to play chess. I had refused all invitations and kept to myself.

The crew had noticed. I know they did. Each time I entered the bridge they greeted me but with caution. There was a tension on the bridge that hadn’t been there in a number of months.

I couldn’t tell them why either. I couldn’t tell them that I had discovered I was almost desperately in love with my Vulcan first officer. It was ridiculous. I didn’t do relationships. I liked women. Most of the time. Lots of women. I was emotional and had no intention of changing that. Spock was my friend and I had worked hard to get him to that point. He would not return my feelings. Had never indicated he had deeper feelings for me. Hell, until a few weeks ago he’d been with Uhura.

I needed to get myself under control though or I would lose him as a friend, too. I glanced over at his science station and noticed he was looking in my direction. I stood up and walked to his station.

“Hey, Spock.”

“Captain?”

“Chess tonight?”

I waited for him to refuse like I had.

“Very well, Captain. 1900 hours my quarters?”

“Sure, sounds good. Thank you, Mr. Spock.”

At the appointed time, I made my way to Spock’s quarters. He let me in immediately and I could see he had been waiting for me, but he hadn’t put up the chess set.

“Captain, I would like to speak with you prior to commencing chess.”

I nodded. “Okay, what’s on your mind?”

“You are.”

“Excuse me?”

“Or rather your recent reluctance to continue our friendship. If I have done something to displease you I would like to be advised so I may make an effort to correct it.”

With a sigh, I shook my head. “No, Spock. You haven’t.”

He hesitated. “Captain. Jim. Your friendship is important to me. I do not have many friends. And I have considered you my friend. I would not like that to change.”

My throat felt tight, raw. “No, it won’t. I’m sorry, Spock. I know I’ve not been myself.”

“No, you have not. And you are still not sleeping,” Spock said. “I see the exhaustion. If I can help—”

“You can’t,” I said immediately. “Spock, when you got hurt, I-I almost lost it. I couldn’t handle it. Couldn’t handle it if something happened to you.”

“Nothing did.”

I shook my head. “You almost died. You-you were bleeding. I had your blood on me.”

“Jim, I am here.” Spock embraced me, pulled me very close, and wrapped his arms tight around me.

“I can’t lose you,” I whispered.

“You will not,” he said softly. Spock’s hand came up to stroke my hair. “I am here.”

I nodded against him. I should pull away. I was sure I was touching him way too much. But instead of pulling away, I fisted his shirt and held him closer.

“Guess we’re not gonna play chess tonight,” I said after a while. Finally I gently pushed away and smiled. “How about some tea instead?”

Spock nodded. “That does sound good.” 

**Dr. Leonard McCoy**

“You get any sleep last night?” I asked Jim the next day as he joined me at breakfast.

“A little. Went to play chess with Spock but we had some tea and I don’t know what happened but I fell asleep pretty quickly after that. Woke up in my quarters.” Jim shrugged.

“Hobgoblin carry you to bed?”

“I dunno. I haven’t seen him since he gave me the tea.”

“Speak of the green-blooded devil.”

Spock was approaching our table in the mess. “Doctor, Captain.”

“Hey, Spock.”

Spock sat down with a bowl of fruit and his tea. “How did you sleep, Captain?”

“Pretty good.” Jim studied Spock. “Do I have you to thank for that?”

“Captain?”

“You didn’t put anything in that tea did you?”

“You drugged Jim?” I asked, surprised.

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Do not be absurd, doctor.”

I shrugged and took a swallow of my coffee. “All right, but did you carry him to bed?”

“He did fall asleep in my quarters. It was necessary to avoid waking him.”

“Well, isn’t that sweet?”

“Bones,” Jim warned.

“I have to go to the medbay, anyway,” I said, rising from my seat. I gestured to Jim’s plate. “Eat. And you make sure he does.”

**Commander Spock**

“Did you really sleep all right, Captain?”

“Yeah, I was out pretty hard. I don’t remember much,” the captain admitted. “We were gonna play chess, right? But first I told you I was upset you were injured, we agreed to be forever friends, and you’d never leave my side. Then, we were having tea, right?”

I nodded. “Essentially, yes.”

He smiled. “Great. I guess I remember it all then. Thanks Spock. See you on the bridge?”

“Yes, Captain.”

He was fairly quickly replaced by Nyota.

She gazed at me shrewdly. “You still haven’t told him, have you?”

“Told him?”

Nyota snorted. “Don’t play dumb with me, Spock. It doesn’t suit you. You haven’t told Kirk about your feelings.”

“It is complicated.”

“How?”

“I almost told him last night but then he…the moment passed.”

“He’s stubborn that’s for sure, but Spock, I’m telling you he’s in love with you. I know it.”

With some hesitation, I nodded. “I do believe he almost confessed to that sentiment last night but then he withdrew.”

“Hmm.”

I did not like the look on her face at all. 

**Lieutenant Nyota Uhura**

“Captain, glad I caught you,” I said as I rushed into the turbolift just before the doors were about to close on him. I leaned over and stopped its motion. “Can I have a word?”

Kirk frowned. “What can I do for you, Uhura?”

“I just think you should know that Spock’s really upset.”

“Upset?”

I nodded. “Yes, he thinks you don’t really think of him as your friend. That you like Leonard more.”

“But we talked about it last night.”

“He’s only pretending. You know how he is. Doesn’t want to show you how hurt he is. But he’s still upset over you only visiting him once in the medbay and then afterwards ignoring him. Spock’s afraid you are only being his friend because you think you have to, for the command team.”

“Wait, what?’

“I’m just saying, you might want to spend some time with him.” I restarted the lift and it made it to the bridge without any further conversation.

**Captain James T. Kirk**

Spock stood before me, his hands clenched behind his back. “You wanted to see me, Captain?”

“Yeah. Listen, you _know_ we’re friends, right?”

“Yes, Captain.”

“I mean, really. I’m not pretending.”

Spock looked vaguely perplexed but he nodded.

“And yeah, it’s true I’ve known Bones longer than you, but I don’t feel any different for him than I do for you,” I explained.

Spock blinked at that and for a moment I thought I saw a flash of…disappointment in his brown eyes but it disappeared like I had imagined it.

“Yes, sir.”

“I just don’t want there to be any misunderstandings that I care about Bones more, because I don’t. You’re both my friends.”

Spock nodded.

I blew out a breath. “Okay, good. You wanna play chess or something?”

“That would be agreeable.”

Spock took a step forward and then swayed a little, then pitched forward. I caught him, my hands on his arms.

“Spock, are you okay?”

“I do seem to be experiencing some vertigo.”

“Come sit down.” I led him to the couch. “Damn it, Bones released you to duty too soon.”

“I am fine, Captain.”

“No, you aren’t.” My stomach twisted. “God, I could kill Bones.”

“Captain—”

“No, Spock. I told you, if anything happened to you…”

Spock stared at me intently. “It is the same for me.”

My breath got caught in my throat. “The-the same?”

Spock nodded.

I swallowed. “Are you saying what I think you are? Spock, do you—”

“Yes.”

I stared, wide-eyed at him. “God, really? Because I didn’t think you did.”

“I do.”

With a shaking hand I touched his jaw. “I’ve never—not anyone.”

“I know,” he whispered. “I have not either.”

“Not with Uhura?”

“Not this way, no.”

I leaned my forehead against his. “I really want to kiss you.”

Spock closed his eyes and tilted his head and my lips found his. They were unexpectedly warm and soft and way too addicting. I went to pull away and he pulled me back, deepening the kiss.

Finally I put my hand on his chest. “Spock,” I said with a shaky laugh. “I’m calling Bones.”

“I feel better,” Spock insisted.

“I still want him to check you.”

“Very well, but we can continue this while we wait.”

  
**Dr. Leonard McCoy**

“Damn it, Jim, are you making out with my patient?”

Jim blushed and pulled away from Spock whose cheeks were tinged green as well.

I came over to Spock and examined him with my tricorder. “What are your symptoms?”

“I suffered from a short bout of vertigo.”

“Hmm.” I took out a hypospray and jammed it in his neck. It made a hissing sound. “How’s that?”

“Now my stomach is upset,” Spock said.

I rolled my eyes. “Off duty for the next twelve hours and come in for an exam in the morning.” I looked at Jim. “And you, let him sleep. You both need sleep.”

Jim smiled. “Okay, doc.”

“And if you sleep together—”

“You don’t want to know about it.”

“Damn straight.”

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “It would be none of your concern.”

I nodded. “Remember that. Couple of idiots,” I mumbled as I left Jim’s quarters.


	28. Through the Years

**A Beginning**

Jim found Spock on the Observation Deck just like the computer had told him.

Spock stood looking out at the stars, his arms straight to his side instead of clenched behind him as they usually were.

Jim came to stand beside him. “Hey.”

“Captain.”

“Um, so, Uhura told me she ended your relationship.”

“That was imprudent of her to reveal our personal matters.”

Jim licked his lips. “I don’t think she meant to. It just sort of came out. Anyway, she seemed concerned for you, so I thought I would check on you.”

“Concerned?”

“I guess she thought you didn’t take it well.”

“She assumes I am emotionally compromised?”

Jim shrugged. “Guess so.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Look, I know practically nothing about relationship breakups.”

Spock eyed him. “No one has ever ended a relationship with you?”

Jim shook his head. “Never had a relationship to end.”

“I see.”

“So, um, why did she? I mean, end it? If that’s okay to ask.”

“She does not believe we are emotionally compatible.”

Jim frowned. “Well, she knew you were a Vulcan when she first shacked up with you, didn’t she?”

“Affirmative. I believe she wished to pursue another relationship.”

“Well, that’s fucked up.”

Spock nodded.

“You, uh, wanna do something?”

Spock turned to him. “Such as?”

Jim shrugged. “I dunno. You said we’re friends, right?”

“Yes.”

“Then I guess whatever friends do. You wanna go get hammered?”

Spock’s eyebrow arched up. “Hammered? I do not believe so.”

Jim smiled. “Okay. You think of something.”

“Do you play chess?”

“Chess?”

“I take that as a no.”

“A lot you know, buster. I do play chess.”

“Very well. I propose a game then.”

“Ah, look at that, Spock. You’re already proposing to me.”

Spock stared hard at Jim which only made him laugh.

“Rec room?”

“If it would be agreeable, I have a set in my quarters. I do not prefer wider company tonight.”

“Your quarters it is then.” Jim smiled and placed his hand on Spock’s arm. Spock glanced down at it with a raised brow. Jim removed it and laughed. “Sorry, I’m kind of a touchy feely kind of guy. You may have to get used to it.”

Spock followed him out of the observation deck.

**A Middle**

“You are nervous?”

Jim jumped at the sound of Spock’s voice directly behind him. He’d been fiddling with his dress uniform in front of the mirror for about ten minutes. He was also considering changing.

“No, I—no.”

Spock put his fingers under Jim’s collar, his cool fingers resting against Jim’s warm skin. He felt instantly calmer.

“How do you do that?”

“It is part of our bond. You have no reason to be nervous.”

“No? We’re going down to New Vulcan to-to do some formal ceremony and you tell me not to be nervous?”

“We have already been married for three point two months,” Spock reminded his husband.

“Yes, and wasn’t I nervous then too? And God, this is in front of Vulcans.”

“Why should that be different?”

“They are all logical and scary.”

Spock’s eyebrow arched. “You find me scary?”

Jim grinned. “Not anymore.”

“It will be fine, Jim. As it always is.” Spock’s finger still rested on Jim’s skin and he moved his other hand to Jim’s jaw, his thumb stroking alone the jawline. “They know we already share a bond and are married. This is only a formality.”

“I know they will judge me.”

“They will not.”

“They think I’m an illogical human.”

“You are an illogical human,” Spock pointed out. “Ashaya, no matter their opinion of you, you are my husband and bondmate, my t’hy’la. That cannot and will not change.”

Jim smiled. “You say the sweetest things. Should I change?”

Spock shook his head. “I prefer you the way you are.”

“No, I mean clothes. Although that’s really nice to hear. And I wouldn’t change you either.” Jim stole a kiss. “But is the dress uniform too much?”

“You are beautiful,” Spock whispered.

“I don’t suppose we have time to—”

Spock pulled away. “We do not. Come, Dr. McCoy and Nyota are waiting for us in the transporter room.”

Jim sighed. “Okay. Spock?”

“Yes?”

“You know I love you, right?”

“I do. Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

“Your way always sounds better,” Jim said with a laugh as he followed his husband out of their quarters.

**An End**

“You should rest,” Spock told his husband and t’hy’la.

Jim bit his lip and sighed, glancing over at the patio chair on their San Francisco balcony. “I’m always resting.”

“It was a long morning, ashaya,” Spock said gently, helping him over to the chair. Jim got stiff easily these days, his arthritis acting up frequently. When Jim was seated in the chair, Spock pulled up another chair to sit beside him.

“It’s cold out here.”

“Do you require a blanket?”

Jim grimaced. “I guess so.”

Spock rose, ruffled Jim’s gray hair and then stepped inside their apartment. He obtained a blanket big enough to stretch across both of them. Coming back outside, he moved his chair closer still and then tucked the blanket first around Jim and then himself.

Jim smiled. “That’s better, thanks. Gah, I hate feeling so old.”

“Seventy is not so old,” Spock told him.

His husband snorted. “Tell that to my aching joints.”

Spock smiled a little. These moments alone were what he treasured the most with Jim. He knew some day, not too soon, he hoped, Jim would leave him. Vulcans outlived humans. He knew based on his older counterpart all those years ago that he would outlive Jim. Spock did not like to think about it, dwell on it. But the older they both got, the more Spock could not totally avoid thoughts of it.

“What are you thinking about?” Jim asked.

“I am thinking about you,” Spock said easily.

Jim reached for his hand which Spock grasped. “Your thoughts are melancholy, t’hy’la.”

“Not really. I am thinking of how lucky I have been to have found my t’hy’la.”

“And how we’re an old married couple?” Jim joked.

“It is true. Yet I can still recall when we were young.”

“Me, too. And how you wanted to strangle me.”

Spock smiled his little smile again. “True, but there was only the one time I actually tried.”

“I can’t imagine being with anyone else,” Jim admitted, leaning his head back a bit to look at the blue sky above them.

“You did not always feel that way.”

“No, but for a long time.”

Spock observed him. He loved to just watch Jim. To Spock he would forever be aesthetically pleasing. Even now, they had a very satisfactory sex life.

Jim suddenly straightened. “Are you thinking of sex?”

Spock knew his cheeks were green. “I cannot help myself. You are pleasing to look at.”

Jim laughed. “I love having a perverted mate.”

“I am not perverted. It is natural to desire one’s husband and mate.”

“Okay, true. Because I certainly desire you.” Jim grinned.

“What do you want for lunch?” Spock decided a change of subject was in order.

“You.”

Spock arched a brow. “After lunch.”

Jim sighed. “Fine. A cheese sandwich?”

“You had that for lunch yesterday,” Spock reminded him.

“I know. I like cheese sandwiches.”

Spock nodded. He knew he would give into Jim for anything. It had nearly always been that way. Now knowing how very little time he had left with his t’hy’la, it was more so. “As you wish, ashaya.”

Jim stopped him from rising. “Not yet. Sit with me a while longer.”

“It is my preference never to leave your side,” Spock said quietly.

Jim’s smile was gentle, beautiful. “That’s my preference too.” He brought Spock’s fingers up to his lips and kissed them.

He still had Jim with him, Spock reminded himself. It wasn’t over yet. And wouldn’t be for a while still. For now, it was logical to be happy with what he had and not grieve for what he had not yet lost.

“Well, perhaps we can have lunch after,” Spock told his husband.

Jim’s blue eyes lit up. “Now you’re talking! Let’s go.”

And though they rose from their chairs much slower than they used to, when they went inside to their bed, they made love like they were young again. 


	29. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playing around with ideas again.

Jim felt the soft brush of fingers on his brow. He sighed softly, his eyes still closed. Then the fingers were gone. Frowning, he opened his eyes.

He lay in the hospital bed, the room only lit by a single light by his bed. He spotted a figure about to leave his room. A familiar figure.

“Spock?”

The old Vulcan turned around slowly and then walked back to approach the bed. “I did not mean to disturb you, Jim.”

Jim smiled. “Hey, you. And you didn’t. You should have woke me up.”

“I am certain you need your rest.”

“Not in place of seeing you. God, how long has it been?”

“Too long,” Spock said. “Your appearance is much improved.”

“You saw me before?”

Spock nodded. “I came when you were still in a coma.”

“So they told you about me…dying?”

The Vulcan seemed to hesitate. “I knew about it, yes.” He sat on the edge of Jim’s hospital bed and to Jim’s surprise reached for his hand. Jim felt unexpected warmth and comfort at their contact. “I am gratified you are now alive.”

“Me too.”

“I apologize for not keeping in regular contact, Jim.”

“No, it’s all right,” Jim said with a smile. “I’m really glad you are here now though.”

“It has taken me a while to accept it,” Spock said mysteriously.

Jim frowned. “Accept what?”

“Later,” Spock said. “I will tell you later. Now I want you to sleep, ashaya.”

“Will you stay? Please? I don’t want to go to sleep and miss you.”

Spock squeezed his hand. “I will stay.”

****

“You can’t go home by yourself, Jim. Not yet,” Bones said. “A few more days—”

“A few days?” Jim protested. He glanced from Bones to Spock, his first officer, Spock.

“He can come stay with me,” Old Spock spoke from the doorway.

Jim grinned. “Hey!”

Spock was almost smiling when he got to Jim’s side. “I am renting a San Francisco apartment that is close to the hospital, doctor. He can come in for checkups whenever required.”

“Oh my God, I love you,” Jim exclaimed.

“I am remarkably fond of you as well,” the Vulcan said.

Young Spock’s eyes narrowed. “Perhaps it would be better to follow the doctor’s orders and remain in the hospital.”

“Actually, if Jim has a place to stay,” Bones said. “It’s fine with me.”

“There you see?” Jim smiled happily.

“If the captain needs a place to stay I can offer my apartment.”

Old Spock said, “I have already offered and I believe Jim has accepted.”

“Damn straight! Let’s get the paperwork going.”

****

“Would you like tea, Jim?” Spock asked Jim after he had settled Jim in an easy chair in the living room of his rented apartment.

“Thanks, that would be great.”

Spock made the tea for both of them and brought it to the living room.  He had to admit he was extremely gratified that Jim was alive and well. His color was back and he was as aesthetically pleasing as always.

Perhaps he should feel some measure of guilt for having Jim with him, but Spock found he did not. If his counterpart was too blind to have Jim, Spock would be happy to take his place.

“What are you thinking?” Jim asked with a small smile.

“How fortunate we all are to still have you with us.”

Jim blushed and Spock found him almost unbearably appealing. There was something that smacked of innocence and vulnerability in this Jim despite his brashness and swagger, very different from the Jim Spock had previously known, but every bit as attractive.

“Yeah?” Jim grinned. “Thank you for rescuing me from the hospital.”

“It was my pleasure.”

Jim sipped his tea. “So, um, where am I staying tonight?”

Spock set his own tea aside and knelt in front of Jim’s chair. He took both of Jim’s hands in his. “I do not wish to be misunderstood, ashaya. I am well aware that I am not young and—”

“Hey.” Jim shook his head. “Don’t.”

“I am not young,” he repeated. “Perhaps I have no right to ask this.”

“You want me to stay with you.”

Spock nodded. “I am aware that for now only sleep can happen between us. That may be all you wish between us. I will accept that if it is as you wish.”

Jim pulled Spock up a little until their faces were very close. “Kiss me?”

Spock obliged.

****

Four days after Jim began to stay with him, Dr. McCoy had advised he was ready for normal activity. Spock made love to Jim—this Jim— for the first time. Afterwards, he held Jim in his arms, with the younger man’s head resting on Spock’s chest.  

“You did not overtax yourself?”

Jim laughed. “Did you?”

“No.”

“Okay, then. I’m fine, Spock. Great even. That was amazing. I’ve never had mind meld sex.”

“I would think not,” Spock said, amused. “I should, perhaps, be remorseful for I am old and you are yet young. Especially too young to be saddled with an old lover.”

“Old? You were pretty energetic.”

“I find I desire you very much.”

Jim shivered. “Good. I love the sound of that.”

“But will I be enough?”

“Will you stop? I don’t know what the future holds, Spock, and neither do you. But I know I want to be with you.”

“You have me for as long as you wish,” Spock told him, running his fingers through Jim’s lush blond hair.

“Mm. That’s nice. Do you think there’s any such thing as destiny?”

Spock shrugged. “I do not know, ashayam, but I do know that I can resist no Jim Kirk. Every single one I meet I love.”

Jim scooted up until their faces were close. “Love?”

“Very much so.” With a shaky hand, Spock touched Jim’s face. There was a little zing, a little warmth. “Do you feel that?”

“Yeah. What is it?”

Spock placed his fingers on Jim’s psi-points. “I will show you.”

Jim swallowed. “Okay.”

“It will not hurt, my Jim.”

Jim nodded and Spock entered his mind. Just like when he melded with Jim before, Jim Kirk’s mind was more appealing than any he had encountered. Just like the Jim before of course. Before he had not given in to the urge to explore, to take, to seize, to conquer. But now he did. Now he let his mind run free through Jim’s, surrounding and embracing. Jim’s mind reached out and took what Spock offered.

His hand slipped from Jim’s face.

“That was…what was that?” Jim whispered.

“We are t’hy’la.” And Spock rose above him and took possession of his lips. He reached for the lubricant, eager to take his mate again.

****

“Jim?”

He looked out at the stars, for the moment ignoring the Vulcan who had come to interrupt his grief.

“If my presence makes you uncomfortable—”

“No, it doesn't.”

Spock studied him. “I have heard the severing of a bond when one of the bondmates has died is quite painful.”

Jim nodded. Sometimes it hurt to breath, to think. “Yes, it has been.”

“Perhaps a Vulcan healer would be of benefit.”

“Yeah, perhaps.”

“Captain…Jim…if there is anything I can do, I will do it.”

Jim turned to him. “Can you—never mind.”

Spock stepped closer. “Anything. Whatever it is.”

“Can you just…hold me?”

For a moment when Spock’s eyes widened Jim felt foolish and he opened his mouth to tell Spock to forget it but then Spock pulled him close with an audible sigh of…relief. Jim blinked and laid his head on Spock’s shoulder. Spock’s arms tightened around him.

“This is nice,” Jim murmured, his own arms around Spock’s waist.

“Indeed,” Spock agreed.

“You don’t mind?”

“No,” Spock whispered.

Something warm and comforting and loving entered his mind, and with a gasp Jim pulled away a little and then gazed into Spock’s eyes. “You-you are—”

Spock nodded. “Yes, t’hy’la.” Spock drew him back closer, his arms practically squeezing the breath from Jim but he didn't mind. Spock’s hands inched under Jim’s shirts and touched bare skin. Once again Spock sighed.

“Why didn't you tell me before?”

“It was difficult given my counterpart’s interest in you as well as my relationship with Nyota,” Spock said softly.

“Oh.”

“It was not because I did not desire to be with you,” Spock assured him.

Jim nodded. “He said he would be with me as long as I wished. But I wanted longer. So much.”

“He did not want to leave you.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I am him. I do not want to leave you, ashaya.”

His throat tightened. “Will you stay with me forever?”

“Yes.”

“And—and her?”

“Shh.” Spock squeezed him tight. “I have ended my relationship with Nyota. There can be no comparison with you.”

“Was she upset?”

Spock seemed to hesitate, then said, “She was. She spoke of requesting a transfer.”

Jim sighed. “Oh. I guess I can’t totally blame her.”

“Nor can I. But I cannot regret it, for you are mine.”

Jim pulled back a little, or at least as far as Spock would let him. “I’m still filled with sorrow yet happy as well.”

Spock’s thumb grazed over the tear on Jim’s cheek. “I imagine that is normal, ashaya. You grieve for him, yet you now have me.”

Jim smiled. “Yeah. I never thought I would. Not all, not entirely, but part of me, well I was with him because—”

Spock kissed him very softly. “I know. I regret causing you pain.”

Jim searched his gaze. “I regret causing you pain.”

Spock cradled his jaw. “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

“I love you, too.”


	30. Five Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four Times Jim Sort of Tells Spock He Loves Him and One Time Spock Says it Back

 

**ONE**

“Bones…”

“Shh, I told you to be quiet. We’re gonna beam you up in a second,” Bones said very softly, gently brushing the blood soaked hair off Jim’s forehead.

Jim no longer felt searing pain. He didn’t know if that was the magic of hyposprays or something far more sinister.

“Spock?”

“He’s right here, too, Jim. But I need you to save your strength. Can you do that for me?”

Bones was being too nice to him. That could only mean bad news. “No. Listen. Gotta. Tell. Spock.”

Bones frowned. “Jim—”

“Captain?” Spock appeared over him, looking a little pale. Well, paler than usual.

“I wanted to tell you how I…”

“Enterprise to Mr. Spock.”

Spock moved away but Jim heard him say, “Spock here. Mr. Scott, the Captain has been gravely injured. We need immediate beam up.”

“Understood. Standby.”

“Wait. Spock.”

“Not now, Captain. Doctor?”

Bones appeared by his side again. “Shh, Jim. I’m just going to give you this injection and you’ll wake up good as new.”

“But I love Spo…”

**TWO**

“Okay, seriously. How many matches in a row have you won?” Jim asked, shaking his head, laughing at himself.

Spock gave a little shrug. “Accounting for our previous chess games played over the last three nights, twenty-three.”

“Twenty-three? Oh my God.”

“To be fair, Captain, you came close to winning games thirteen and sixteen.”

Jim laughed. “Oh, thanks for that, Spock.”

“Would you care for game twenty-four?”

He smiled. “Bring it on.”

Spock set the pieces again and waited for Jim to make the first move.

About an hour later, Spock declared, “Check mate.”

“Son of a bitch,” Jim grumbled.

Spock arched a brow.

Jim laughed. “God, I love you.” He cleared his throat, realizing what he said. “That is, I love playing chess with you. But damn it, why can’t I win once in a while?”

“Perhaps you should seek advice from my counterpart on how to play against me.”

“Wow, I never thought of that!”

Spock inclined his head. “Or you could continue to lose.”

**THREE**

“Spock, come on,” Jim begged. “You have to wake up.”

“The commander is in a healing trance, Captain,” Dr. M’Benga told Jim as he came close to the biobed Spock lay in.

“Then he’ll be okay?”

“Unless something changes, yes. I’d expect him to be in the trance for at least another day.” M’Benga looked at Jim. “You need rest, Captain. You look almost as bad as he does.”

“I’ll go get some in a minute,” Jim assured him.

M’Benga nodded. “Leonard says you’re to be off at least twelve hours. Spend those twelve sleeping.”

“All right.”

When M’Benga left again, Jim reached for Spock’s hand. He closed his fingers around the palm.

“I can’t make it without you, Spock. I know we’re just friends. We’ll only ever be just friends, but I love you.” Jim sighed and released Spock’s hand. “Gotta go. I’m glad you’ll be okay.”

**FOUR**

“If you can find that lost ship, Mr. Spock, I’ll love you forever.”

The crew on the bridge seemed to freeze. Sulu and Chekov turned in their chairs to gape at Jim. Uhura cleared her throat and Bones, who stood next to his captain’s chair, scowled.

Jim prayed he wasn’t blushing. He didn’t dare look at Spock.

“I have found it, Captain. In Sector 4.”

Jim laughed nervously. “Well, thanks, Spock.”

“Great,” Bones mumbled. “Now you gotta love the hobgoblin forever.”

Jim forced a smile. “Well, Bones, I already love you. And if Sulu can get us to Sector 4 in under an hour, I’ll love him forever, too. And Uhura, I’ll love you forever if you let Starfleet know what’s going on.”

Everyone laughed then and the sudden weird tension on the bridge was gone. Jim released a breath and tried not to notice the assessing look Bones was giving him.

**FIVE**

“I don’t think we’re going to make it this time.”

“We will make it.”

Jim shook his head. “We’re surrounded. There’s no escape.”

“We will make it, Captain,” Spock insisted.

Jim laughed, a little hysterically. Blood dribbled from his split lip. He and Spock were in a clearing on a planet surrounded by a hostile species aiming spear-like weapons at them. Jim had already survived being attacked by a giant lizard. Thanks to Spock, of course.

“How? God, Spock. I really think this is it. They wanna kill us.”

“Captain—”

“And since I’m gonna die, I have something to say. I’ve actually been trying to say it since I died the first time.” Jim shook his head. “That sounds weird. Anyway, when I told you I wanted you to know why I went back for you, it wasn’t because we were friends like you think. Well, it was, but not only that. And…there have been other times.”

“Captain, we will be rescued.”

“I don’t think so, Spock. Look, I know we’re only friends and all that but there’s no reason not to tell you since we’re gonna die anyway. I love you.”

“Captain—”

“Yeah, I know, Spock. You don’t love me back. But anyway, I’m in love with you and now you know.”

“You are wrong.”

“About what?” Jim eyed an alien who raised his spear.

“I do.”

“Do?”

“Love you back,” Spock said.

“What? Really?” And just then Jim felt his particles breaking up and when he reappeared he was on a pad in the transporter room standing next to Spock.

Scotty and Bones stood there.  Then Bones grabbed Jim’s arm and hauled him off the pad.

“Are you hurt? What the hell, Jim?”

“A few wounds,” Jim admitted. “Scotty, how’d you know how to find us?”

“Mr. Spock, sir. He was wearing a tracking device.”

Jim glanced at Spock but Spock was already heading for the exits.

“You should report to medbay,” Bones called after him.

“I am fine, doctor,” Spock said, then left the transporter room.

“You,” Bones said, pointing at Jim. “Come with me.”

Later, when Jim returned to his quarters he wondered what he was supposed to do now. He’d confessed his love to Spock. And he was pretty sure he hadn’t dreamed Spock saying it back. Which hell that was a surprise. Not the least of which was because Spock was with Uhura.

Jim got himself a cup of coffee and sat behind his desk to do a report on the recent mission gone awry. Twenty minutes later his door chimed.

“Enter.”

Spock stepped inside, his hands clenched behind his back.

“Captain.”

“Commander.”

Spock shifted. “Your injuries have been attended to?”

“Yeah, mostly just surface stuff.”

“Mostly?”

Jim shrugged. “When that lizard whacked me with his tail he broke some ribs.”

“I am sorry.”

Jim blinked. “Sorry? For what? You weren’t the lizard.”

“If I had acted faster you would not have suffered those injuries.”

Jim laughed. “Spock, you saved me. You saved us. You’re always saving us.”

Spock nodded. Then said, “I wish to know if you now want to take it back.”

“Take it back?”

“You declared your feelings for me. Other times you seemed to wish to pretend you did not say it.”

Jim swallowed. “Other times? You-you know about the other times?”

“Affirmative. Do you wish to pretend this time?”

Jim stood up and came back around the desk to stand in front of Spock. “No. Do you?”

“Negative.” Spock’s dark eyes seemed to bore into Jim’s very soul.

“What about Uhura?”

“My relationship with Nyota has been ended.”

“Just now?”

Spock shook his head. “The first time you said it. I had been unaware you intended to pretend otherwise.”

Jim felt his chest tighten. “I didn’t want to pretend. I just thought—”

“You think too much. And sometimes you do not think enough.” Spock’s hand curled around the back of Jim’s neck.

Jim grinned. “That about sums me up.”

“Indeed.” Spock kissed him, hard and thoroughly. “Say it again,” Spock ordered. “Now that you do not take it back or think you are dying.”

Jim smiled. “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.” He knew his pronunciation was perfect.

Spock’s eyes widened. “How did you—”

“I talked to the other you, but not about how to beat you in chess.”

Spock kissed him again. “I cherish thee.”


	31. Where Am I?

“Kirk to Enterprise. Come in, Enterprise. Kirk to Enterprise.” Jim glared down at his communicator. Fucking useless thing. He crouched down next to the blood red stream. It was a strange place on a strange planet. And he was starting to think he would end his days here.

It didn’t look like a place he could drink water from. Jim didn’t really think it was blood. Hoped not. And of course his fucking tricorder wasn’t working so he couldn’t analyze it. He didn’t think he should take any chances.

He straightened up and looked around the area. One minute he’d been standing in some meadow they’d beamed down to on the surface of the planet Orocios with five other landing party members and the next he’d suddenly appeared here…by himself.

He’d already been there for what Jim suspected was a couple of hours. He’d seen a bit of animal life, so far not hostile, and some flora and fauna. No signs of humanoids.

Jim flipped open his communicator. “Kirk to Uhura. Kirk to Sulu. Kirk to McCoy.” Nothing. Nobody he’d beamed down with answered.

He had no water, no food, nothing. He hadn’t expected this. Was he really going to die here?

Jim sat down on a rock. It was getting dark, that much he could tell. He didn’t think he should go too far while it was dark, but staying here didn’t seem like a good option. Not for too long anyway. He would need shelter, food, and water at least until the Enterprise found him.

He believed they would look for him. Spock would if he could. Bones would insist too. If Bones hadn’t been beamed somewhere else. Or any of the others. Thankfully Spock was on the Enterprise. If there was a way Jim could survive this, Spock would find a way.

But as he sat there he also realized the temperature was getting noticeably cooler. Finding shelter for the night might be a priority after all.

He rose from the rock and started walking. Jim just hoped there were no Jim Eating Monsters wherever he was. 

****

“Mr. Sulu, there is no sign of Captain Kirk on the planet Orocios?” Spock asked the helmsman.

“No, sir.”

“What the hell does that mean?” McCoy demanded, standing next to Spock who sat in the captain’s chair. “Where the hell is Jim?”

“I am afraid I do not have the answer to that question, doctor.”

Shortly after beaming down to Orocios, the landing party had contacted Spock to inform them that their captain had disappeared.

“Don’t just sit there! We have to find Jim,” McCoy shouted.

“It is my intention to find him. However, if you cannot remain calm while on the bridge I will be forced to request you return to the medbay.”

The doctor growled low in his throat, but Spock ignored him. He rose and went to Nyota’s station.

“Lieutenant, are there any instructions from Starfleet?”

“Nothing different than before. Just to continue the search and report back to them in two hours, sir.” She looked up at him. “I am getting some unusual space chatter though.”

“Space chatter?”

“Yes. I’m working to try and isolate the different frequencies.”

Spock nodded. “Thank you, Lieutenant.”

“Spock, are you okay?”

“I am uncompromised.”

“No, I didn’t think you were.” She sighed. “I know you’re worried.”

“I am certain we are all concerned for the captain’s safety.”

Nyota nodded. “Of course. But, Spock, I—I know how you feel about him, and—”

“My personal feelings are of no consequence. Report your findings to me once you have completed your analysis.”

“Yes, sir.”

****

Jim managed to find a cave during his exploration. He wasn’t fond of caves, but generally he found that the big Jim Eating Monsters couldn’t enter them. So far he had not found any such creatures, but he wasn’t about to relax his guard.

He didn’t go very far into the cave but he sat down and leaned his head against the cave wall. He was a little hungry but not enough that he wanted to leave the cave as it got dark.

Part of him hoped he’d be rescued, but the realistic part didn’t think he would be. The Enterprise didn’t know where he was. How could they?

Spock would make a good captain, at least. And maybe it was best this way. He’d been cheating death all this time. Perhaps he hadn’t been meant to live.

He had regrets though. Should have told Spock how he felt before now. It was too late now, probably. They’d never have the epic relationship they were supposed to have. But then…hadn’t he? His head hurt a little thinking about it. He had told Spock, right? He could swear he had but just then he really couldn’t remember. It was so confusing.

With a sigh, Jim closed his eyes and tried to sleep.   

Jim was awakened by a roar. He was wide awake instantly, scrambling to his feet. It couldn’t be good. For the fifth time he cursed that none of his instruments worked.

It seemed to have come from just outside the cave entrance.

Okay, so maybe he really was gonna get eaten. The roar happened again. Jim picked up a rock, a big one, and headed for the entrance.

Standing just outside the cave was a giant two legged beast that looked very familiar. Like from Delta Vega.

“Wait, what the fuck?”

The monster spotted Jim and roared louder. Jim backed up a step.

“Spock! Fuck, where are you?”

**** 

“Captain…I…Commander, I found a single humanoid life sign on the planetoid, Krama. It’s a planetoid with minimal plant and animal life,” Sulu said.

Spock rose from his captain’s chair to stand by Sulu. “Are you able to identify them?”

“Not from this far.”

Spock did not want to waste time looking in the wrong location, however, it was the best lead they had. “Plot a course, Mr. Sulu. Warp factor 6.”

“Is it Jim?” McCoy asked, coming closer.

“I do not know, doctor.” But he hoped so.      

****

Just as the monster was about to reach for Jim, he found himself in a new location, with a new landscape, this one rocky and desert like.

“Fuck, where am I?” He tried his communicator, phaser, and tricorder, but again nothing. He turned around to survey the area when the Orion girl, Gaila, from the academy was suddenly standing there.

Jim stared, because she was dead. She’d been on the Farragut when it had been destroyed in the battle with Nero.

“You aren’t real.”

“Jim, why didn’t you love me?” she asked, her eyes sad.

“You aren’t real.”

“You didn’t even say goodbye.”

Jim swallowed, shook his head.

“Did you even care when I died?”

“Gaila—”

But as he was looking at her, she changed to Pike.

“What?”

“You’re still using blind luck,” Pike said.

“But I…I sacrificed—”

“You’re not ready for it,” Pike said but then suddenly he morphed into George Kirk, tall and blond and intimidating as hell.

“Dad?”

“I sacrificed myself for your mother, you, and over eight hundred people,” George said, shaking his head sadly. “Is this the best you can do, Jim?”

Jim took a step toward him. “I sacrificed myself too.”

George sighed. “Such a waste.”

His father disappeared and the landscape changed again. This time standing in front of him were Spock and Uhura and they were embracing, kissing.

Jim didn’t want to see it but he couldn’t seem to turn his head away no matter how many times he tried. His eyelids wouldn’t close either.

Finally they stopped kissing and Uhura smirked at him.

“Spock doesn’t love you, you know? Spock and I are going to get married, Kirk,” she said. “I’m carrying his child. Something you can’t do, Kirk.”

She kissed Spock again and finally he was able to turn away. He dropped to his knees and suddenly flames surrounded him and Jim screamed.

****

Spock, McCoy, and three security guards beamed down to the planet where Sulu had found a life form. They had been unable to determine if it was the captain. All they could learn was it was humanoid.

“There,” Spock said, reading his tricorder.

They went to the right, past a stream with red water, and into a cave. They followed the readings deep into the cave until they came to an indentation in the wall. Spock pressed it and a door opened.

Phasers at the ready, they dashed inside.

Chained to the wall was their captain. He was naked from the waist up and it appeared he’d been whipped and beaten because he was covered in slashes and bruises. His eyes were closed and he was whimpering. And standing in front of him was an alien with a bulbous purple head holding an instrument next to the captain’s forehead.

“Step away from him now,” Spock said.

The alien jumped and turned to face them. “No, you must leave! We need him.”

Spock growled low and took a step forward.

“Stop. You must not! The experiment is not through!”

This thing was experimenting on Spock’s captain? And then the captain screamed.

One of the security guards shot the alien with his phaser and Spock and McCoy rushed to the captain.

****

“Bones, I’m okay,” Jim said wearily, as he sunk down onto the sofa in his quarters. He rubbed his eyes.

“The hell you are. I want you to have a full psych eval.”

Jim shook his head.

Bones sat next to him, his expression grim and serious. “You were abducted by the Floranions. They tortured you, mind raped you, made you experience whatever they wanted as part of their experiments. Jim, no one, not even you, can go through that without needing help.”

“I don‘t even remember most of it.”

Bones shook his head. “You and I both know you’re lying, Jim. They used stuff that actually happened to you and made you relive it just to fuck with you and see how you’d react.”

“I know,” Jim whispered. To his surprise, Bones hugged him. “Hey, hey, what’s this?”

“I really missed you, you idiot,” Bones said, holding him tight. “I didn’t know if we’d get you back.”

Jim closed his eyes. “I didn’t know either.”

Bones pulled away. “Get some rest. I’ll come to check on you later.” He stood up and ruffled Jim’s hair. “Any problems sleeping or with nightmares, you contact me immediately. You hear?”

Jim rolled his eyes, but smiled. “I hear.”

Just a few minutes after Bones left there was another chime at his door.

“Enter.”

He was more than a little surprised to see Uhura. She smiled tentatively at him. Jim stood, his gut twisting, his head spinning a little. This wasn’t right.

“Captain?”

“I know why you’re here.” He felt a little panicked.

She nodded. “Yes, to check on—”

“You’re pregnant,” Jim blurted out.

“I—what?”

“And the-the baby is Spock’s.” His head hurt badly at those words. He shook his head. “Right?”

“Captain—Jim—no!”

“You aren’t pregnant?”

Uhura shook her head rapidly. “No, how could you even think I’d do that to you?”

Jim frowned. “To me?”

“I’m getting Spock.”

He grabbed her arms. “Why are you here if not to gloat about that?”

Uhura gasped. “Jim, you’re not well. I came here to check on you. Spock had to be on the bridge and he’s worried. I have to call him.”

“No, I-no.” He released her and sat back down on the couch. “I’m fine. Don’t bother Spock. I’m sure he doesn’t want to deal with me.”

“Deal with you? He’s— I’m calling him.” She went to the comm on his wall. “Uhura to the Bridge.”

“Spock here.”

“Spock, you need to come.”

Silence then. “The captain?”

“Yeah. Get here fast.”

“Does he need the doctor?”

She shook her head. “He was just here. I think he needs you.”

Jim’s head hurt so he lay down on the couch, his arm covering his eyes. Everything seemed too bright, too intense even with his eyes closed. He didn’t know if Uhura was still there and he didn’t care.

He must have fallen asleep at some point because he suddenly felt cool fingers at his temple. He opened his eyes slowly and gazed into Spock’s brown eyes.

“Hi,” Jim whispered. He blinked.

“Lights at twenty percent,” Spock said and the lights dimmed. Spock’s fingers continued to stroke Jim’s temples. “What can I do?”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t know. I’m so confused.”

“I would have come to our quarters earlier but Starfleet needed a full report.”

“Our quarters?”

“Yes, ashayam.”

“I-I don’t understand.”

“Jim, you do not remember we are bonded?”

“B-bonded? You and me?”

“Yes, for a year. We are t’hy’la. When you were abducted by the Floranions, I shielded. I am still shielding as Dr. McCoy thought it best considering your condition.” Spock’s fingers fluttered to Jim’s cheeks. “Perhaps it would be better to have the bond fully open again.”

“I don’t know, Spock,” Jim said, feeling anxious. “I don’t understand any of it.”

“It will be all right, ashayam,” Spock said soothingly. “Do not become distressed.”

“You aren’t with Uhura?”

“No, Jim. I am with you.”

Jim closed his eyes. “Why can’t I remember?”

“The Floranions.” Spock’s fingers moved up on Jim’s face. “May I?”

“What? A meld?”

“Yes.”

“Will it hurt you?”

“Negative.”

Jim nodded his agreement.

_Jim, over one year ago you and I were stranded on the planet, Marcu 3. We became lovers there and when we were rescued we continued our relationship. With the discovery that we are t’hy’la we formally bonded on New Vulcan in front of my father, my counterpart, Dr. McCoy, and Nyota._

_Six point four days ago you led a landing party down to the planet, Orocios. While there the Floranions abducted you to their planet where they conducted experiments on you based on your experiences and deep-seeded fears. They stole your memories as well as planting false ones in your mind._

_Why?_

_To see how you would react. They are fascinated by humans and have been studying you in particular from afar for months. When you chanced to be close to their planet they decided to use the opportunity to obtain you as their specimen._

_That’s fucked up._

_Yes. I have proposed we go to New Vulcan where a mind healer can help you, ashaya. Starfleet has approved it with Dr. McCoy’s input._

_A mind healer?_

_I will be with you._

_Spock…I…will they see things I don’t want them to?_

_Perhaps. But they will be there to help not study you, Jim. I will be with you. Nothing bad will happen._

_Promise?_

****

Jim still looked way too fragile for Spock. He’d returned to duty, seemed to recall now, thanks to the meld, that he and Spock were bonded, but his sleep was disturbed with nightmares and he still kept to himself a lot. He usually only spoke when spoken to directly or to give an order. He was unusually quiet and pensive and though he allowed Spock to sleep next to him, he wanted no part of physical contact beyond that.

“Do you think this will work?” McCoy asked Spock as they prepared to beam down with Jim to New Vulcan.

“I am hopeful.”

The transporter doors opened and Jim stepped into the room. His appearance was normal enough, Spock observed. He was a little too pale and his normally vibrant blue eyes were a little too dull. But they were minor things many would probably not even notice. Spock noticed everything when it came to Jim.

“I guess we’re all ready?” Jim asked.

“Yes, Captain.”

Jim nodded, swallowed and then stepped onto the transporter. Spock and McCoy followed. “Energize.”

When they reappeared on New Vulcan, both Spock’s father and his counterpart, who went by Selek now so as not to confuse the two Spocks, were waiting.

Jim visibly brightened upon being greeted by Selek. “Hey, Spock. Well, I mean…Selek.”

“It is good to see you, old friend,” Selek declared. He held his hand up in the ta’al but Jim would have none of it and instead embraced Spock’s counterpart. Selek’s mouth curved in amusement and he hugged Jim back.

Then Jim turned to Sarek. “Hello, sir.”

“James, I am pleased to see you. And you as well Dr. McCoy.”

Jim smiled a little and did the ta’al. Spock came to stand by his side and he stood very close.

“T’Pau has agreed to see James herself,” Sarek told them. “She awaits us.”

Spock felt Jim tense up. He reached for Jim’s hand to touch his fingers to Jim’s and projected calm through their link. “We are honored, sa-mekh.”

They followed Spock’s father and Selek down a long winding path to an open stone dwelling with many arches.

When they saw a very old Vulcan woman waiting for them in a chamber, Jim froze.

“Spock, I-I don’t think I can do this.”

“T’hy’la, it will be well. She means you no harm.”

Jim blinked and then nodded. “Yes, all right.”

T’Pau was seated and she waited as Jim bowed knelt before him. She looked at him with no expression, her very dark eyes assessing him. Finally she said in a very soft voice, “I would have your thoughts, Kirk.”

Spock felt Jim probing his mind so he projected love back at Jim and Jim nodded his agreement.

Her long, bony fingers went to Jim’s face and she closed her eyes. She did not speak and neither did Jim though he trembled a bit. After what seemed a long time, but Spock knew was ten minutes, her eyes opened and her expression softened.

“You have been through much, young one,” T’Pau said. “Your mind is remarkably strong considering all that you have faced.”

“Thank you,” Jim whispered.

“You should not be troubled by these dreams now, Kirk. I have repaired what has been done to you by these mind invaders.”

He nodded and Spock helped him to stand.

T’Pau turned her gaze to Spock. “Thy bond is strong, Spock. See that it remains so.”

Spock bowed his head.

****

“How are you feeling, Jim?” Selek asked Jim when he came out of Sarek’s home where they had gone after they’d been to see T’Pau. They would dine there tonight and Jim, Spock, and Bones would stay the night.

Jim smiled at the elderly version of Spock. “Better. Still a little unsteady. But better.”

“I believe you will continue to feel improvement. T’Pau is a powerful healer.”

“I’m lucky she agreed to help me.”

“And why are you hiding out here?”

Jim sighed. “I just needed a moment. Spock and Bones were bickering.”

Selek nodded. “As I used to do as well with the doctor. I enjoyed our sparring.”

“Enjoyed? That sounds emotional.”

“I can admit to such things now, Jim. I am not certain my counterpart would admit it to you.”

“Probably not.” Jim glanced at the sky. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“I will always endeavor to answer to the best of my ability.”

Jim laughed. “That means yes, right?”

Selek nodded.

“Were you and I…you and him…well I mean like us? Were you bonded?”

Selek took so long to answer Jim was afraid he was going to say something about not giving him information about the other timeline or whatever.

“We were,” Selek said. “We did not bond as soon as you and Spock. But yes.”

“Did I make you sad? I don’t mean to.”

“I do miss him,” Selek admitted. “More than I can say. But that time has passed and I have my memories.”

Jim didn’t know why, but he had to hug the old Vulcan, so he did. Selek hugged him back.

The back door opened again.

“Jim?” Spock asked.

Selek released him. “I will see you inside.”

Jim turned and watched Selek go back inside Sarek’s house as Spock came to stand beside him. Spock held out his two fingers and Jim met them.

“Are you all right?” Spock asked, concern evident in his brown eyes.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks to you. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Spock.”

“If I have my way, you will never need to find out,” Spock said, drawing Jim close. “I love you, Jim.”

Jim leaned against him, resting his head on Spock’s shoulder. “I know. I love you, too.”

“The meal is ready,” Spock told him.

“Okay.” But he didn’t move. Spock’s arms around him felt very good. “Just a little longer.”


	32. Handle With Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim takes care of Spock when he's sick and learns something

“Captain, I do not feel well.”

It was true Spock looked particularly green around his mouth and he was pale and blotchy in other spots.

“I know, Spock. I’ve got you.” Jim had his arm around Spock’s waist and he’d put Spock’s arm around his shoulder, though the Vulcan seemed to move it occasionally to around Jim’s neck. Which brought back certain unpleasant memories.

“I am dying,” Spock said loudly.

Jim would have laughed if Spock didn’t look so sad and miserable.

“Um, no, Spock. You aren’t dying. I’m sure it feels that way, though.” Jim coded in the numbers to enter Spock’s quarters.

“I must see Dr. McCoy.”

“We just came from there, Spock. Remember?”

Spock burped. And this time Jim really couldn’t help it, he laughed.

“It is not funny, Captain.”

Jim stopped laughing and put on his best serious face. “Of course not, Mr. Spock.”

The doors opened and he helped Spock inside.

“I believe I need a second opinion.”

“Spock, both Bones and M’Benga examined you. They said it was just that stuff they fed you down on the planet didn’t agree with your Vulcan physiology or whatever. As soon as it works it way…um…through your system, you’ll be fine.”

He eased Spock down on the bed.

Spock stared at him. “What are the symptoms?”

“Memory loss.”

Spock looked panicked.

Jim laughed again. “Kidding. It’s just that they already told you the symptoms.”

His first officer scowled.

His lips twitched but he said, “Stomach upset.”

“Yes.”

“Dizzy.”

“Affirmative.”

“Wanna puke.”

Spock nodded.

“Gas. And I already know you have that.” Jim grinned. “Possible hallucinations.”

“I do not have those.”

“Thank God for small favors.”

“Captain, what does a deity—?”

“Hush. You should rest now. I’m gonna go ahead and leave you here and…no?”

Spock had been shaking his head rapidly.

“You want me to stay?”

“Yes, Captain.”

Jim thought about it and really he had no pressing duties. “Okay. I can stay a while.”

“Thank you, t’hy’la.”

He frowned. “What did you call me?”

“Jim.”

“Nah, you called me something with a ‘t’, sounded a little strange.”

Spock nodded. “You are my t’hy’la.”

He laughed. “Your what? What is that?”

“It is Vulcan. It is a mate. A bondmate.”

Jim shook his head. “Now, I know you’re nuts. We’re not mates, Spock. And certainly not bonded.”

“Friend, brother, lover. A soulmate.”

“Nope, none of those. You must have started hallucinating.”

“I am not,” Spock insisted. “I have felt it through our touch.”

“Look, buddy, seriously, we’re not whatever you think we are. I’m your captain and friend. That’s it.”

“Jim—”

“No, Spock, really. You’re just confused by the stuff you ingested. When it’s all through your system you’ll remember.”

Spock looked sad. “You do not wish to be with me?”

Were there stars in the sky? Hell, yeah, he did. Totally. Irrevocably. But they weren’t together. All they were supposed to have was some kind of epic friendship.

“You should rest, Spock,” Jim said, gently. “This stuff is affecting you more than I thought.” He reached down and squeezed Spock’s shoulder. “I’ll be over at your desk working if you need me, okay?”

Spock shook his head. “I need you now.”

He frowned. “For what? Are you feeling worse? Should I call Bones?”

Spock sighed audibly and closed his eyes. “No, Captain. I will rest.”

When he was sure Spock slept, Jim left his quarters to return to the bridge. He was so busy after that, being down Spock, who had been told to be off for another 72 hours, he did not have the chance to see Spock again except in passing for three more days.

He stopped by Spock’s quarters to check on him.

“Come.”

Spock was standing up and pulling on his science blue shirt. “Captain.”

Jim smiled. “Hi, Spock. Feeling better?”

Spock tugged his shirt down. “Much. According to Dr. McCoy I am free of the contaminant.”

“That’s great. We’ve really missed you. I’m sorry you got sick.”

Spock inclined his head. “Is there anything else, Captain?”

Jim hesitated, remembering what Spock had babbled on about when he’d been ill. Then he shook his head. “I guess not.”

“Captain?”

“Never mind it’s nothing.” Jim turned to leave.

“Are you certain?” Spock asked.

“Just, you know, when you were sick, you were hallucinating.”

Spock shook his head. “I was not.”

“Yeah, you were. And you said some stuff.”

“You took care of me.”

“Well, yeah, because I…because.”

Spock moved so suddenly and quickly Jim was barely aware until the Vulcan was totally in his space.

“Because you are my t’hy’la,” Spock said.

“No, I…you didn’t mean that.”

“I did. It is perhaps true that if I had not been ill I may not have chosen that moment to reveal our bond, but I have been aware of it for some time.”

“Some time? Then why wouldn’t you tell me about it?”

“When would I have? By my calculations over the last two months you have copulated with five different females and four different males all of differing species. Vulcans do not share our mates.”

Jim swallowed, stared at Spock, eyes wide. “It has—it hasn’t been that many.”

Spock stared right back at him. “I assure you I am well aware of how many there have been.”

“What-what does that mean exactly?”

“As you are my t’hy’la, the link could have formed any time through our contact. If you will recall, our minds touched in a meld on Janus IV. Our minds recognized each other and the link formed. I have been all too aware of your amorous activities since,” Spock said quietly.

His heart squeezed in his chest. “Spock, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. And I was so lonely, I never thought you’d…I just never did.”

“I know.”

“Then…it’s true?” Jim tried to squash down the spark of hope he suddenly felt but it was almost impossible.

Spock raised his hand and extended the index and middle finger toward Jim. “This is a Vulcan kiss shared between a bonded pair.”

Jim swallowed, mimicked Spock with his own fingers and touched them to Spock’s. He felt a little zing and then warmth spreading over his whole body. “Oh, my God.”

“Now do you believe?”

Jim nodded, struck speechless. Both by the idea of being Spock’s t’hy’la—and he so had to hear more about that—and the fact that Spock was suddenly, totally, thoroughly devouring Jim’s lips with his own.


	33. We Have Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after The Voyage Home

“This is good, Bones,” Jim declared as he sipped from the brandy his best friend had poured him in Jim’s San Francisco apartment.

It seemed strange being back in this place after being away for so many months now. Jim wasn’t so sure he was as fond of San Francisco as he once was. Too many memories, he supposed.

Bones grinned. “I knew you’d like it.”

“Where’d it come from?”

Bones shifted in the chair he sat in across from Jim with his own brandy snifter in hand. “Don’t think you wanna know, Admiral.”

Jim sighed. “You’re probably right.”

“You look tired. Have you been sleeping?”

“I’ve been trying to. Not sure I’m very successful.”

Bones gazed at him quietly for a while. “Where is he?”

“Who?”

“You know who.”

Jim shrugged. “Something about the library.”

“I know this is hard on you, Jim.”

“It’s harder on Spock.”

“I’m not so sure,” Bones said.

“At least he’s alive again, Bones. Really? That’s all I can ask for.”

The doorbell rang and before Jim could rise from his chair, Bones beat him to it. He moved a little stiffly, they both did these days, but Bones made his way to the door.

“Come in, Spock,” Bones said.

And just like that Spock walked into Jim’s living room like Jim had conjured him up.

“Hey, Spock.”

“Admiral.” Spock wore one of his Vulcan robes, this one a off white with a brown sash tied around his waist. “Doctor.”

“Want a drink, Spock?” Bones asked.

“No. I can come back at another time if my presence is inconvenient.”

Bones spoke up, “Nah, I was just leaving.” He squeezed Jim’s shoulder. “See you tomorrow?”

Jim smiled. “Yeah. Meet for breakfast?”

“Not too early,” Bones said. “Yeah.”

Spock waited for Bones to leave before speaking again. He stood before Jim, hands clenched behind his back, his expression blank.

Jim set the brandy glass down next to his book and reading glasses on the table. Spock’s dark eyes followed the movement.

“How was the library?” Jim asked, to break the silence more than anything.

“It was an acceptable use of time.”

Jim smiled. “Sit, Spock.”

But Spock made no move to sit, he just continued to stare down at Jim.

“Spock, sit,” he said a little firmer.

Spock gave a slight nod and took the chair Bones had recently occupied.

“What is it?” Jim prompted when Spock did not appear to wish to begin.

“Were we…together?” Spock asked, his voice low and soft.

Jim tensed, his stomach muscles clenching. “Together?”

Spock seemed to gather himself. “While at the library I experienced a flash of memory as was indicated I might.”

“Right.”

“It was…intimate.”

Jim felt himself turn red and he wasn’t sure why. He had nothing to be embarrassed about. “Ah, I see.”

“Then it is true?”

“Yes.”

“Why did you not mention this before?”

“I was given to believe you might never remember everything prior to your…resurrection. Under those circumstances, I wasn’t sure what I should say.”

“Considering the nature of our relationship it would have seemed to be prudent for me to have that information.”

Jim sighed. “Yeah, maybe. What exactly did you remember?”

“We were engaged in coitus,” Spock stated flatly, with no hint of emotion.

He cleared his throat. “I see. Is that all you remember?”

Spock was silent again for a while. “Were we bonded?”

His throat almost closing, Jim nodded. “Yes.”

“And did I call you t’hy’la?”

Again he nodded, this time unable to get the words out.

“Fascinating,” Spock said.

Jim laughed at that, he wasn’t sure why. “I guess.”

“I am uncertain how to react to this recent knowledge,” Spock said in the same low, soft voice.

Jim exhaled slowly. “It’s all right, Spock. Take your time. We’ll get there.”

He hoped so anyway.

Spock nodded. “Will you allow me to meld with you?”

“Yes,” Jim said at once.

Spock rose from the chair and went to kneel in front of Jim. His fingers on Jim’s face, he began, “My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts.”


	34. Chocolate Liqueur

Spock woke feeling a heavy arm around his waist weighing him down. He blinked several times trying to remember exactly what had happened.  He disentangled himself from the bed, standing on the cold floor of his quarters.

His communicator beeped softly from across the room. Spock picked it up from his desk. “Spock here.”

“Mr. Spock, is the captain with you?” Sulu asked.

“The captain?” Spock glanced at the bed he’d recently vacated. He saw the blond head, the muscular arms peeking out from the blankets. His eyes widened. “I am certain I can locate him. What is it?”

“Starfleet command, sir. Urgent message from Admiral Komack.”

“Very well. I will find the captain. Spock out.”

Spock stared at the sleeping man in his bed. It all came back quickly to him. They played chess, the captain brought over a liquor he insisted Spock try, and it was chocolate. Spock attacked the captain, they’d engaged in coitus three times over the night, finally falling asleep together in Spock’s bed.

He approached the bed. “Captain?”

No response.

“Captain Kirk,” Spock said louder.

The captain stirred, stretching and then eventually turned onto his back. Spock watched as his captain winced.

“Spock?”

“Yes, Captain. Admiral Komack is on the line for you.”

“Shit,” the captain muttered. He swung his legs out of bed and to the floor. “Uh, where are my clothes?”

Spock bent down to pick them up and handed them to him. “Here, Captain.”

“Thanks.”

“You may speak to him via my terminal if you wish. I will be in the bathroom."

The captain nodded. “Okay, thanks, Spock.”

Spock went into the bathroom and saw to his hygienic needs and dressed in a fresh uniform. When he re-entered his quarters the captain was sitting behind the desk in his slightly rumpled uniform.

“New orders,” the captain said. “I gave the command to set course for the planet, M12.”

“Yes, Captain.

His captain’s gaze searched his, then he stood. “Well, I’ll, uh, get out of your way.”

Spock waited until the captain was almost to the door of his quarters before he said, “Captain?”

He froze, but did not turn around. “Yeah?”

“You knew how chocolate affected me, correct?”

“Yeah, Spock. I did.”

“So it was a deliberate attempt to seduce me?”

“Uh. Yeah.” The captain took a deep breath. “You can file a report if you’d like. I don’t blame you.”

“A report?”

“My behavior was inexcusable.”

“It was,” Spock agreed. His captain flinched. “But I will not be filing a report.”

“No?” His back was still to Spock.

“No.” Spock approached him, rested his fingers on the nape of his captain’s neck. “There was no need to use extraordinary measures to seduce me.”

Now his captain did turn around. His eyes were like pools of deep blue. “What are you saying?”

“You had but to ask.”

He laughed then. “Just…hey Spock, wanna fuck me?”

“I do not believe we have time at present, Captain, however, after the mission I am amenable.”

The captain eyes widened, his lips parted. “Seriously?”

Spock nodded. “Quite.”

“Are you sure you don’t have any chocolate still in your system?”

“I am sure. As I stated, you did not need to resort to chocolate. I have long desired you.”

“You-you have?”

“Affirmative. Shall I see you on the bridge, Captain?”

The captain licked his lips and nodded. “Of course, Mr. Spock. I’ll be there as soon as I’ve showered.”

Spock tilted the captain’s chin up with a finger. He leaned down to kiss him.

When the kiss was ended, his captain was out of breath but smiling.

“See you, Spock.” And he left Spock’s quarters bouncing excitedly on his feet.

“Indeed.”


	35. Strange Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just adding shorts I had deleted as their own fiction to this colletcion.

Jim walked down the corridor of the Enterprise kind of in a daze. Several crew members passed him, but they didn’t say hello or smile or acknowledge him in any way. Strange. He wasn’t sure exactly where he was going. He seemed to walk without a purpose.

Medbay to see Bones? But no, this was not the deck for Medbay. Observation deck then. To clear his mind. He saw Spock standing by his favorite spot so he headed over there.

“Hey, Spock. Didn’t expect to see you here.”

Spock didn’t reply, just stared at the stars.

Jim opened his mouth to speak when the doors of the room whooshed open and Uhura came in, hurrying over to Spock.

_Oh_.

“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize—”

Uhura, her eyes wet, threw her arms around Spock. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. What can I do? What do you need? Are you sure—”

Jim backed away from them. He’d interrupted something serious obviously. He ran out of the observation deck, wishing he’d not seen what he’d just seen. Damn, it never got easier seeing them together.

He got in the turbolift and hit the deck for the medbay. Maybe seeing Bones would help.

Not seeing Bones immediately when he entered the medbay, Jim guessed he was probably in his office, so he headed there.

Bones sat behind his desk, staring into a glass of bourbon. His eyes were shiny with tears and his cheeks were wet.

“Bones? What’s the matter? What happened?”

But Bones wouldn’t look up.

Jim went to him and shook his shoulder. “Bones? What is it?”

Bones acted like he didn’t even know Jim was there.

“Are you mad at me or something? God, what the hell did I do this time?” Jim demanded, but Bones just continued to ignore him.

Jim left Bones’ office, intending to go to the bridge when he spotted Spock once more. This time he stood next to a biobed. Jim frowned and approached the bed.

“Hey, who’s—” Jim stopped, staring down at himself lying on the bed. “What the hell?”

He looked at Spock. His Vulcan first officer looked devastated and he clutched Jim’s hand tightly against the side where Spock’s heart was.

“Spock? I don’t understand.”

“There’s been no change, Spock,” Bones said, suddenly appearing at the foot of the bed.

“Is there nothing that can be done, doctor?”

“I don’t know,” Bones said wearily. “M’Benga and I have both tried everything we could to get him to wake up. There’s brain activity but it’s very weak.”

“But I’m right here,” Jim protested. He felt a little panicky, anxious like he’d never felt before.

Someone called for Bones, so he patted Spock on the shoulder. “I’ll be back.”

“Spock! Spock! I’m here.” Jim put his hand on Spock’s arm and shook him but Spock didn’t react.

Uhura entered the medbay and came over to the biobed. She looked down at the Jim lying there. But it wasn’t him. It couldn’t be him.

“He doesn’t know, does he?” Uhura asked, softly.

“No.”

She hugged herself. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

Spock nodded. “I am aware. I am…unable to find words myself.”

“Maybe he will wake up. And you’ll be able to tell him.”

“I do not believe the doctor thinks he will.”

“He said that?” she asked.

“Not in those words. I cannot process this, Nyota.”

“What, Spock?”

“That I am losing him again.” Spock clenched his fists.

Jim swallowed heavily. “Spock, you haven’t. I’m here.”

But they kept on talking as though he weren’t there at all and Jim became more and more desperate. Was it true? He stared down at the body that looked like him. Tried to remember what could have happened.

The last thing he remembered was beaming down with a landing party and being attacked by a group of rebels.

Spock shouting, “Jim!”

And then walking down the corridor on the Enterprise.

Oh God. It was true. This was him. Was he already dead? Did he die again?

_“There’s brain activity but it’s very weak,” Bones had said._

Jim looked at Spock again. “I’m sorry. I guess, you know, we missed our chess rematch we were supposed to have.” He touched Spock’s hand, the one not clutching his body’s hand, and ran his fingers along the veins there. He moved his fingers to slip under Spock’s palm and slid two fingers to touch Spock’s in what he remembered was the Vulcan kiss.

Spock gasped and stepped back, dropping Jim’s hand that he held.

“Spock?” Uhura asked. “What is it?”

“I felt him,” Spock said, his voice sounding shaky.

“What?”

“I felt him,” Spock said again. “Jim? Jim, can you hear me?”

Jim turned to stare at his body again, tilted his head, then reached out toward his unconscious form. He was absorbed into the body.

“Jim?” Spock asked, his hands gripping Jim.

Jim’s eyes fluttered open as his lungs took in air. “Spock?”

Uhura gasped and put her hand to her mouth, then she turned and hurried away. “Leonard! Leonard!”

Spock stared down at him, his dark eyes intense and full of love. “T’hy’la.”

Jim knew what that word meant. He was surprised to hear Spock use it for him. But then, maybe he wasn’t. He smiled. Or he thought he did. “Spock.”

And then Spock kissed him.

“Jim? Oh my God, Oh my God,” Bones said, running up to them. But Spock was still kissing Jim. “Spock, let him go. Come on, Spock. I have to check him.”

Spock stopped kissing Jim, but he did not let go.

Bones eyes were still wet. Or wet again. Jim didn’t know. “I can’t believe it. How do you feel?”

“Alive,” Jim said. “I feel alive.”


	36. Morning After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just adding shorts I had deleted as their own fic to the collection

**Jim**

Kirk woke feeling incredibly warm and comfortable. An arm lay loosely around his waist, a hot naked body spooned behind him in the bed.

He blinked hazily, some details coming back to him. The Christmas party. Replicated eggnog with some of Bones’ brandy. Much merriment.

And—

Kirk moved a little so he would be able to see who was plastered to his backside.

_Spock!_

Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Spock? Spock was in his bed? _His_ bed? No, wait. He looked around the room. Oh. My. God, he thought. He was in Spock’s bed.

The memories came flooding back to him in a rush. And there was begging. A _lot_ of begging. 

“Take me, take me, take me.”

All from him to Spock. Oh, geez. And Spock had been very accommodating too.

Would Spock regret it? Did he? He licked his dry lips and thought about it. No. How could he? Yeah he’d had too much to drink but he had wanted Spock since…well forever. But it would kill him if Spock had regrets.

If Spock did not…well it would be the best damn Christmas ever.

Kirk turned to face Spock when he felt his first officer stirring awake. Dark eyes met his.

“Good morning, Captain.”

“Good morning, Commander.”

He held his breath, waited. Spock’s expression was, of course, unreadable, but there was a softness in his dark eyes he had not noticed before. That was a good sign, wasn’t it?

“So, um, about last night?” Kirk ventured.

“Captain?”

“Do you—how do you—is it—”

“Are you still under the influence of the spiked eggnog, Captain?”

“No. I’m just sort of tongue-tied.”

“That is apparent.”

Kirk sighed. “Do you think we should—”

“Continue this morning?” Spock supplied for him. He flipped Kirk over onto his back. “I most definitely believe that is our best option.”

Kirk grinned. “Excellent idea, Commander. And Merry Christmas, Spock.”

“Merry Christmas, Jim.”

****

**Spock**  

Spock woke to the feel of a very warm body in his bed. His arm was linked around the body…the human. Male.

He remembered immediately.

_Jim_.

The Christmas Eve party. His captain had been drinking spiked eggnog. Spock had considered it his duty to watch out for the captain. He did not want Jim to end up in some random crew member’s bed while inebriated.

His captain had been in a good mood. Laughing at everything and everyone. Smiling that particularly dazzling smile he had. His blue eyes had twinkled. Perhaps such thoughts had been frivolous and illogical but Spock had them during the party nevertheless.

Spock had refrained from drinking anything, though, he had been offered chocolate by a mischievous doctor. It was that same doctor who kept adding more brandy to the captain’s eggnog whenever he wasn’t looking.

When Jim had stumbled just a little, Spock had decided it was time to go.

“Captain, I think it is time to bring you to my quarters.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your quarters,” Spock had quickly corrected himself.

“Oh.” Jim smiled. “’kay.”

“Do you wish to say goodnight to anyone?”

The captain threw his arm around Spock’s waist. “No. Unless it’s you.”

Spock arched an eyebrow, but led the captain from the party and out into the corridor to the turbolift.

”Great party,” Jim declared in a loud voice.

Spock nodded.

“You didn’t think so?”

“I am not much of a partier, Captain.”

“Hmm. Maybe not but you sure were the sexiest one there. Are. Still.” Jim blinked then grinned.

“You are inebriated.”

“A little. But not as much as you might think. It’s not the brandy talking, Spock, when I tell you that you are really hot.”

The turbolift stopped on their floor and he got the captain to the quarters, but Jim walked right past his own to Spock’s door.

“Captain?”

Jim shrugged. “You said your quarters, Spock.”

“I did,” he acknowledged.

“Your bed?”

Spock felt his heart speed up in his side. “You are inebriated—”

“I’m not _that_ inebriated. Open this damn door, Spock, or I’ll kiss you in the corridor.”

And Spock had. Jim had launched himself at Spock as soon as they were inside and there had been begging. From his captain.

“Take me, take me, take me.”

Spock, even as a Vulcan, could hardly be expected to resist a begging Jim Kirk. There was kissing. Of both kinds. And sexual congress. Lots of that.

Now it was the morning after and Jim turned to look at him, blue eyes surprisingly clear after a night of drinking.

“Good morning, Captain.”

“Good morning, Commander.”

Spock watched his captain lick his lips. He always did that and Spock always watched. No one ever seemed to notice his fascination with it for which he was gratified.

“So, um, about last night?”

He wondered if this was the part where Jim said he was sorry. He hadn’t meant to beg Spock. It was all a mistake. He forced calmness when he said, “Captain?”

“Do you—how do you—is it—”

“Are you still under the influence of the spiked eggnog, Captain?”

“No. I’m just sort of tongue-tied.”

“That is apparent.”

Spock’s fingers brushed over Jim’s skin. And he felt desire, hope, worry, and love. All from Jim. He knew then that it had not been a mistake…for either of them.

“Do you think we should—”

“Continue this morning?” Spock said, flipping Jim underneath him. “I most definitely believe that is our best option.”

Jim’s smile was dazzling, his blue eyes bright with laughter and love. “Excellent idea, Commander. And Merry Christmas, Spock.”

“Merry Christmas, Jim.”

 


	37. In Sickness 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim takes care of Spock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short

Jim carried the tray precariously as he approached Spock’s quarters. He’d almost dropped the contents five times, but somehow it had remained upright. But he was carrying the tray with two hands so now he was going to have to do it one handed.

He bit his lip. Should be voice override anyway. Jim juggled the tray on his shoulder and keyed in his entry code. He winced when a little more soup spilled out.

The door swooshed open and Jim entered. The lights were dimmed low but he could see the Vulcan laying in the bed on his back, blankets pulled up to his chin.

Jim carried the tray over and set it on the table next to the bed. He peered down at Spock and saw his eyes were open and he was looking up at Jim.

“Hi.”

“Jim,” Spock rasped.

He smiled and knelt next to Spock. He brushed his fingers over Spock’s forehead, pushing away the matted hair. “How do you feel?”

“I am cold.”

“You want more blankets, sweetheart?”

Spock nodded.

“Okay.” Jim kissed his forehead and then stood. “I brought you Plomeek soup. There’s even some left I didn’t spill.”

“Thank you.”

“You want to sit up so you can eat?”

Spock nodded again, so Jim helped him to sit up and tucked pillows behind his back and head.  He brought Spock his soup and then went in search of more blankets. When be brought two more, Spock nodded his approval.

Jim sat on the edge of the bed and watched Spock eat. “I’m sorry you’re sick.”

“I did not expect to be affected by the Dafordian Flu.”

“I know. Vulcan physiology usually means nothing affects you. This time it doesn’t affect humans.”

“I am gratified. I did not want to see you ill with this.”

“Bones said it should only last a day or two longer and you’ll feel a lot better.”

“I am glad.”

Jim smiled and reached for Spock’s hand. “Want me to leave you alone?”

“Do you have to go back to the bridge?”

“No, I’m off the next eight hours.”

“You require rest. You look tired.”

“Spock, don’t worry about me.”

“I always will.”

Jim shook his head. “Want me to stay or go?”

Spock threaded his fingers with Jim’s. “Please stay. If it will not make you uncomfortable.”

“It won’t.” Jim stood up, took Spock’s empty soup bowl away, and pulled off his shirt and pants and crawled onto the bed in just his underwear.

“It is not too warm for you?”

“A little. But it’s okay. Computer, lights off.”

“Good night, Spock.” He touched his fingers to Spock’s in a Vulcan kiss.

“Good night, Jim.”


	38. Deepest Desires

“Are we going to talk about it?”

Jim grimaced, shook his head. “What’s there to talk about, Bones?”

Bones stood in front of Jim as Jim sat sideways on the biobed in the medbay.

“Well, gee, I don’t know, Jim. How about the fact you kissed your first officer on the surface of that planet we just left? Not just kissed but what some would term sucked face.”

Jim licked his chapped lips, remembering the taste of Spock. “I was under the influence of that substance they gave us.”

“Yeah which reveals your deepest desires,” Bones pointed out.

Jim shrugged. “I guess.”

“Everybody saw, Jim. Including Uhura.”

“I was there, Bones,” Jim reminded him. “What the hell do you expect me to do about it? Do you think I enjoyed that?” Well, he had, actually. The kissing part. Not the part where everyone gasped, Uhura the loudest, and Spock pushed him firmly away.

Bones sighed. “Okay. Well, I think the substance is pretty much out of your system.”

“Can you maybe put me off duty for a few more hours just the same?”

“Embarrassed?”

“Wouldn’t you be?”

“The hobgoblin? Really, Jim. Of all people to want.”

“I don’t,” Jim insisted stubbornly.

“Okay, Jim. You’re off until your next shift. Try to get some rest. And eat something. And you know, you have to get past this. You’re the captain. You have to face these people.”

“I know.” Jim hopped down off the biobed and left medbay.

****

Jim was drinking a glass of wine and trying to do reports when the chime on his door rang. “Computer, identify visitor.”

“Commander Spock.”

Jim ignored the chime until it rang three more times. Finally with a heavy sigh, he got up from behind his desk. “Enter.”

Spock came in, his hands clasped behind his back. “Captain.”

“Commander. I already filled out the report.”

Spock’s eyebrow arched. “Report?”

“Inappropriate behavior toward a subordinate officer. You can review it if you want and then I’ll send it off to Starfleet.”

“Then I must fill out a report of my own.”

“About?”

“Captain, it was my tongue that entered your mouth.”

“Are you sure about that? Because I could swear it was the other way around.”

“I am positive. And I was not influenced by the substance from the planet.”

Jim frowned. “What are you saying?”

“We both acted on our deepest desires.”

“But—but Uhura—”

“Nyota is pleased for me.”

“She is?”

“When we terminated our relationship she was aware of my complicated feelings toward you.”

“Wait. Back up. When?”

“When what?”

“You terminated your relationship?”

“Some months ago.” Spock stepped close to him.

“Why didn’t I know that?”

“I do not know except that there was no ship wide announcement.”

Jim laughed, feeling just a little giddy. “Well, maybe there should have been.”

“I am gratified you were influenced by the substance. Otherwise it might have taken a lot longer to reach this point.”

Jim swallowed, his heart kicking up. “What point?”

Spock’s hand came around the back of Jim’s neck and he pulled him forward until their mouths almost met. “This.”

He crushed his lips over Jim’s and this time, Jim slipped his tongue into Spock’s mouth.

“That was definitely me,” he murmured.

Spock nipped his bottom lip. “Captain?”

“Spock?”

“Be quiet.” And to make sure Jim was, Spock kissed him again. And again.


	39. Comfort

“Bones…” the captain protested as Dr. M’Benga pulled the doctor from his arms the moment they beamed on board the Enterprise.

“I’ve got him, Captain,” M’Benga assured him and the doctor was placed on a gurney.

Dr. McCoy was very white except for blotches of skin that had already begun to bruise and the red streaks covering the doctor’s torn shirt.

Kirk followed after the gurney as they wheeled him away and Spock followed after Kirk.

When they reached the medbay, Kirk made to follow them into the surgical room.

“Wait out here, Captain,” M’Benga told him.

They disappeared through the door and Kirk stepped forward as though to go in anyway. Spock stopped him with a grasp of his shoulder.

“Get off me, Commander,” Kirk snapped and Spock removed his hand immediately. The captain did turn from his intent, however, and began to pace the area in front of the door.

“Captain, there was nothing you could have done to prevent injury to the doctor,” Spock said after a few minutes of watching his captain pace.

“Bullshit.”

“Captain?”

“Bull. Shit. It should have been me.”

“Negative. The Naisrants wanted you to choose between myself and Dr. McCoy. No positive outcome could result from that.”

“I should have just told them to choose me.”

“Then you would have been injured.”

“Better me than Bones.”

Spock did not agree. Not that he wished harm to come to the doctor. He did not. “Dr. M’Benga will see that the doctor fully recovers, Captain.”

“And if he doesn’t?” Kirk asked, eyes flashing fire.

“Then Dr. McCoy will have given his life in duty to prevent your death, Captain.”

“You know, Spock, you are my favorite person…Vulcan…being…whatever. But right now? Do me a favor and shut the fuck up.”

Spock straightened. “If my presence is unwelcome I will exit the medbay.”

Kirk sighed, rubbed his eyes. “It’s not unwelcome. I know this whole…whatever…is new between us, I get that. But the way to comfort me is not to tell me my best friend died giving his life for me, okay?”

“Dr. McCoy is still alive.”

“I know that, Spock. “

Spock remained quiet for a moment, and then asked, “What is the best way to comfort you?”

“Just…be here with me, okay?”

“Very well.”

After twenty minutes of his captain pacing, Spock intervened again and found two chairs. He placed them by the door of the surgery room.

“Sit.”

Kirk looked at the chairs. “I don’t know if I can.”

“Sit,” Spock said, his voice firmer. He was gratified when the captain sat. He replicated two cups of tea and handed one to his captain before taking his seat in the other chair.

The captain took a sip of tea and sighed. “Thanks.”

“I am offering comfort more appropriately?” Spock queried.

Kirk smiled a little. “Yeah, yeah you are.”

Three hours later when Dr. M’Benga came out of the room, Spock woke his captain, who was leaning on Spock’s shoulder, snoring softly.

Kirk straightened, blinked, and then stood. He swayed a little and Spock steadied him with a hand on his captain’s back. “Bones?”

M’Benga smiled. “He’ll be fine, Captain. He’s in recovery and later we’ll move him to a bed.”

The captain grinned. “Great. That’s great. Thank you.”

M’Benga nodded and went back inside.

“You should get some rest,” Spock murmured.

“A shower would be in order, too,” Kirk agreed. He tilted his neck and then cracked it. “My neck’s a little stiff.”

“From leaning over on your chair.”

He nodded. “You make a good pillow, Mr. Spock.”

“I am, of course, pleased to assist you in any way I can.”

His captain smiled. “I’ll so remind you of that later.” He yawned. “God, I hated that place.”

“It was not my favorite mission either.”

Kirk laughed at that and it was a laugh that wrapped around Spock most pleasantly. “You have such a gift for understatement, Commander.”

Spock arched a brow. “I will be on the bridge, Captain.”

“I’ll see you there later.” They walked out of the medbay and the captain held up his two fingers as Spock had taught him. Spock met them and then they parted, walking in the opposite direction in the corridor.


	40. Four Times Kirk Almost Found Out Spock and Uhura Broke Up and the One Time Spock Made Sure He Did

**One**

“Somebody’s coming,” Nyota declared in a furious whisper. Her dark eyes were still glistening with tears. She stepped back from Spock, peering down into the dark corridor. “It’s Kirk. Of course it’s Kirk.”

Spock straightened. “I will send him away.”

She sighed. “Don’t bother. I’ll slip out around the corner.”

“Nyota, if you remain distressed—”

“There’s nothing you can do about it, Spock. Just…go deal with him.” And then she was gone.

Spock turned just as Kirk reached them.

“Spock, sorry. I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt a romantic interlude.”

“It was—”

“Yeah, I know it was. Like I said, sorry. I, uh, I was actually supposed to meet someone here myself. Did you see Lieutenant Moore?”

Spock straightened. “She was wandering around here for no apparent purpose. I sent her away.”

Kirk frowned and then rubbed the back of his neck. “Oh. Right. Okay. Well, sorry again for the interruption. See you, Spock.”

He nodded. “Captain.”

 

**Two**

“That was the world’s most boring meeting. Universe’s. Whatever,” Kirk commented to Spock as they left the council meeting on Narius 8.

“I think I fell asleep,” Dr. McCoy muttered from the other side of the captain.

“Was easy to do.” Kirk stopped in front of a restaurant made entirely of Narius glass. “This looks super cool. Maybe we should eat here.”

McCoy stepped closer. “They have a menu on display.”

“Yeah?” The captain peered over the doctor’s shoulder. “Oh. Andorian Galdu Fish. I haven’t had that in years.”

“I’m looking at the desserts. I can still taste those cream puffs from Risa. Wonder if they’re the same.”

Kirk grinned. “We’re so going to find out. Just…you know behave yourself.”

The doctor scowled. “Don’t be a spoil sport.”

“I’m the one who has to fill out the reports after, Bones.”

“I take it we have chosen this establishment to dine,” Spock said, hoping they had vegetarian fare.

Kirk looked at him, then frowned. “Not you, Spock.”

“Captain?” Spock had to admit he was a bit shocked by the rejection. Even Dr. McCoy glanced at the captain in surprise.

“I found a little vegetarian restaurant down from here.” Kirk pointed. “See that brown and blue awning? That’s it. I made a reservation for you with Uhura. She’s meeting you there.” Kirk grinned.

“I-what?”

“I know I am the most awesome Captain ever. We don’t really have time for much shore leave but I figured a romantic dinner might be nice. You can thank me later.”

Spock took a moment to process it and then he nodded. “Very well, Captain. The gesture is…understandable.”

Kirk’s smile faltered just a bit, his expression uncertain, but then he gave a shrug. “Anyway, we’ll see you later. Good night, Spock.”

“Good night, Captain. Good night, Doctor.”

 

**Three**

“Hey, Spock.”

Spock looked up from the book of ancient languages he had been reading. “Captain.”

Kirk looked across the recreation room to wear Nyota sat playing a card game with three other crew members. “How come you’re not with Uhura?”

“She appears to be engaged in a game, Captain.”

“Don’t like cards, huh?”

Spock inclined his head. “I do prefer chess.”

“Yeah?” Kirk seemed to hesitate for a moment, then he shrugged. “I play a bit of chess myself if you’re ever interested.”

“Indeed? I would not be averse to playing a match now, Captain.”

Kirk grinned. “Bring it on then.”

“If you will take a seat, I will get the chess set,” Spock told him. He returned a moment later and set up the 3-D set. After a few moves, Spock could not help but say, “Your play is most illogical.”

“You can take the illogic out of the man but you can’t take the man out of the illogic.” Kirk laughed. “Or something like that. Sounded better in my head.”

“Where did you learn to play?”

“Hmm. Sam and I used to play when we were kids.”

“Sam?”

“My brother.” Kirk’s blue eyes turned glacial for a moment. “That was before he left. I played a bit in the academy too. Mostly with Gary Mitchell.”

“The physicist, Commander Mitchell?”

Kirk nodded. “Yeah, that’s him.”

“I was unaware you were acquainted.”

“Yeah, we were. Very acquainted actually.” Kirk smiled a little. “But that was a long time ago. I haven’t seen him in years. Check mate, Spock.”

Spock blinked at the game. “I am uncertain how you accomplished it, Captain.”

Kirk tapped his temple and grinned.

“I would like to ask for another game.”

Kirk glanced at the table where Nyota used to be playing cards. The game had broken up and now she stood talking to Nurse Chapel by the replicators.

“You don’t want to go join Uhura?” Kirk asked.

“Negative, however, if you do not have time for another game, Captain, I understand.”

“No, no, I do. Set it up, Mr. Spock. Prepare to be trounced again.”

 

**Four**

Spock could hear low voices in the background as he came awake. For a moment he wondered where he was. The last thing he could recall was a gaseous cloud coming toward him and the captain on the planet surface below. His stomach felt queasy but otherwise he seemed capable of functioning. He was lying on a biobed and he looked up at the instruments above his head, noting the readings appeared normal.

“Oh, Spock, you’re awake,” Nurse Chapel said with a smile, coming to his side. “How do you feel?”

“Adequate. The captain?”

“He’s over talking to Leonard.”

“Then he was not injured?”

She smiled and shook her head. “No. Would you like me to get them?”

Spock nodded and Nurse Chapel moved off.

As the doctor and captain approached Spock could pick up their conversation.

“I can’t believe she hasn’t come to visit him more than that one time. What kind of girlfriend is she?”

“I don’t know, Jim. What kind of boyfriend do you think he is?”

“Well, how should I know? Still.”

They stopped speaking as they got close and suddenly they were at his bedside and the captain was smiling and the doctor was scowling.

“Spock, you look like you’re feeling better.”

“I am, Captain. I merely have a slight stomach upset.”

“Hmm,” McCoy said. “I think I have a hypo for that.”

“I would rather not, doctor. If I may be dismissed from the medbay I can return to duties.”

“So soon?” Kirk questioned. “You sure, Spock?”

“Yes, Captain. You were not affected by the cloud?”

“Nope. I escaped that one. About time something doesn’t render me injured or unconscious.” Kirk patted Spock’s arm. “Glad you’re all right, Spock. But take it easy, okay?”

“Yes, Captain.”

Kirk smiled. “I’m due on the bridge. See you later.”

 

**Five**

Spock wasn’t sure what woke him from a fairly sound sleep. He rose from his bed and went into the bathroom to relieve himself. He was washing his hands when he heard alarming cries coming from the captain’s quarters.

Hesitating for only a moment, Spock opened the bathroom door that led into Kirk’s quarters.

“Captain?” he called softly.

The captain was thrashing on his bed and making distressed noises. Spock realized he was having a nightmare. He went to the captain and sat on the edge of the bed to gently shake him awake.

The captain sat up straight with a gasp. Spock placed his hand on Kirk’s chest.

“It is all right, Captain. You were dreaming.”

His chest heaving with short breaths, the captain nodded. His eyes were still wide and frantic, his skin very pale.

After a moment, Spock asked quietly, “Would you like to tell me about it?”

Kirk shook his head. But then said, “It was…I was dying.”

Spock felt his own heart stutter. “In the radiation chamber?”

“Yeah. I-I could feel my lungs burning, the heat on my skin.” Kirk swallowed. “I was alone.”

“I know. I could not reach you.”

“No, I mean, you weren’t there at all. I died and no one was there. God.”

“It was only a dream and you are here,” Spock said, trying to reassure him.

“But I did die, Spock. I did.”

Spock did not need the reminder. He remembered it all too well. “Yes. But you are here now. Do you dream of it often?”

Kirk bowed his head, trying to even out his breathing. “About once a week I guess.”

“I did not know your sleep was so troubled.” Spock touched his hand to the captain’s jaw.

Startled blue eyes lifted, blinked. “No, you-you wouldn’t know. I haven’t really told anyone. Not even Bones. And you-you’re with-with—”

He stopped, looked down again, swallowed heavily.

Spock shook his head though Kirk was not looking at him. “No. I am not.”

“You’re not what?”

“With Nyota.”

Kirk’s gaze flew to his again. “You aren’t?”

“I have not been with Nyota for months. We ended our relationship.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“I am aware.” Spock rubbed his thumb along Kirk’s jawline.

“Was-was there a reason?”

“She became aware I had more tender feelings for another.”

“Oh.”

Spock’s gaze went to Kirk’s mouth. “I have been reluctant to reveal those tender feelings in the event they were not reciprocated.”

Kirk swallowed, his tongue darted out to trace his lips. “Who is it?”

“Can you not guess?”

The blue eyes widened. “Spock?”

Spock nodded, rubbed his thumb over the captain’s lips.

“God, I-I didn’t know.”

“And now that you do?”

“Jesus. I-Spock, of course I do. So much.”

Spock kissed him then, slow and sweet. Kirk moaned a little and closed his eyes. When the kiss ended, Kirk opened his eyes and smiled.

“This is a little overwhelming.”

“Indeed. An unexpected change to my evening plans,” Spock agreed with some amusement. Spock removed his hand from the captain’s jaw and then pushed him down to lie flat on the bed while Spock hovered over him.

Kirk opened his mouth to say something and then yawned. He then laughed. “I’m still a little tired.”

“Apparently. We have time, Jim. You should sleep.”

“Yeah, might be a good idea. Spock?”

“Yes?”

“Will you-will you stay with me?”

Spock hated seeing the vulnerability there. He nodded. “There is nowhere else I would rather be.”

Kirk smiled. “Good. Me too. Maybe I won’t have any nightmares.”

“I am counting on it.”


	41. The Kissing Booth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Academy Fluffiness

“What time is it?”

“Ten minutes since the last time you asked.”

Jim sighed. “I’m bored. And still unkissed by the way. I thought you said this was a sure thing.”

Bones pulled at the collar of his cadet uniform. “Why’s it always so hot in this auditorium?”

“Are you listening to me?”

“Of course not. Do I ever?” Bones kicked at the empty chair next to him. Above them was a sign that read _Kiss Jim Kirk for $20_. “It’s supposed to be for charity, Jim. A good fundraiser. Everyone was real excited when this kissing booth was announced with you in it. I don’t get it.”

“Should have gone with Chekov after all.”

“He’s too young. Besides you’re the stud.”

Jim folded his arms across his chest and leaned back in his chair behind the makeshift kissing booth. “How long do I have to stay here?”

“Another hour.”

“Oh, Jesus. You have _got_ to be kidding me. I’m literally being tortured.”

Bones scoffed. “Do you actually know what literally means? Gimme a break.”

“You promised me dozens of girls and guys lining up to kiss me! And so far no one has come. What the fuck is up with that?”

“Hell if I know. Let’s talk about something else. You got back together with the hobgoblin yet?”

Jim toed his boot against the booth. “You know I haven’t.”

“Well I haven’t given up hope. The longer you stay with me the longer I have to smell your stinky socks.”

“You love me _and_ my stinky socks.”

“No one loves those, kid.”

“He’s being a prick.”

“Who?”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Spock. He won’t even take my messages.”

“What caused your fight anyway?”

“He’s got a stick too far up his ass,” Jim grumbled.

“He had that stick there before he became your boyfriend, genius. What’s changed?”

Jim shrugged. “He thought I was being a disrespectful ass to his snooty science friends and I said they were boring anyway and he got madder and I told him to fuck off and packed a bag and went to your place. That’s pretty much it.”

“Did you say you were sorry?”

“I told you, he won’t take my messages.” Jim frowned. “I think this is it.”

“What’s it?”

“The end, you know. I should have known it was too good to last. I can never get anything right.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “A week ago you were declaring your undying love for him.”

“Well, I still love him, Bones. I totally do. But I can’t make him feel the same way about me. And he’s never once said it. Never.”

“He’s Vulcan.”

“Only half. And it’s not like they can’t say it or anything if they feel it.”

“I thought they didn’t _feel_ anything.”

“That’s bullshit and everyone knows it. The night before our fight he said something to me in Vulcan.”

“What he say?”

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

“What’s it mean?” Bones asked.

“The hell if I know. It was during sex and I—”

Bones plugged his ears. “La la la la.”

Jim threw his jacket at Bones. “You’re so mature. Anyway, I was gonna ask Uhura, but she’s mad at me too.”

“I’m sure she is. You know she’s Spock’s bestie.”

“Well, she sucks too.” Jim breathed against his hand.

“What are you doing now?”

“I thought maybe it’s my breath.”

“They’d not know you had awful breath until they came to kiss you,” Bones pointed out.

“Wait, are you saying my breath _is_ awful?”

“I wouldn’t get that close to your mouth either way, Jim.”

“Funny. How much longer now?”

“Forty-five minutes.”

“Did I ever tell you—?”

“Don’t look now, Jim, but Spock’s headed our way,” Bones announced.

Jim glanced at the doorway to the auditorium.

“I said don’t look,” Bones grumbled.

Spock ignored Bones and went straight around the booth to Jim. He handed a large handful of credit chips to Jim.

“What’s this?” Jim asked, eyes wide.

“The credit chips from the cadets and two instructors who intended to kiss you.”

Jim blinked. “But, how did you get them?”

Spock shrugged slightly. “I convinced them they were a worthy donation even without the oral reward.”

“You intimidated them,” Bones spoke up. “So they wouldn’t kiss Jim.”

Spock arched a brow. “Vulcans do not intimidate. Will you excuse us doctor?”

Bones pushed back his chair and stood. “Don’t mind me.”

“See you later, Bones,” Jim said, staring up at Spock.

Bones huffed and walked away.

“You gonna talk to me now?”

“Jim, I am aware you do not think much of my friends, however, I ask that you at least treat them with respect and kindness,” Spock said quietly.

“I know,” Jim said. “I’m sorry. And there’s nothing wrong with your friends, Spock. I was in a bad mood and I took it out on them. And you. I’m sorry for everything I said, but especially what I said to you.”

Spock knelt next to him. “Words said in anger are often not kind. I should have shown restraint as well.” He cupped Jim’s cheek. “Will you come home?”

Jim smiled. “Of course I will. I love you, you know.”

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

“What is that exactly?”

“Can you not guess? It is the Vulcan equivalent of what you said to me. I cherish thee.”

“Oh.” Jim grinned. “Oh.” He leaned over for a kiss.

Spock arched a brow when he pulled away and pointed to the credit chips Jim still held. “I believe I am owed several more kisses.”

Jim laughed. “You got it.”


	42. Inevitable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote this some time ago but decided to post it here

“I’m sorry, Spock.”

Jim looked out over the balcony at the ocean, a breeze ruffling his hair, and chilling his body. What did it matter anyway?

“I should have been able to save you.”

He closed his eyes, letting the tears squeeze out and onto his cheeks. For a moment, maybe several, he just stood there letting the tears fall. He already felt like he’d been crying for days. He thought maybe he’d be crying forever.

Opening his eyes, he stared down into the cup of Vulcan tea he held in his hands. Jesus, he didn’t think he could handle this. _This_ was too much.

“Jim? You should come back inside. It’s freezing out there.”

“I don’t care, Bones.”

The sliding door opened all the way. “Yeah, well, as your doctor and your friend, I do care. Get your ass back inside.”

Jim sighed and drank the last sips of the tea and followed Bones into the apartment. He shielded his eyes against the lights. “Does it have to be so fucking bright in here?”

“Lights 25%,” Bones called out and the lights dimmed. “Better?”

His throat felt raw. Hell he felt raw all over. ‘Yeah. I need more tea.”

“You gonna do nothing but drink that Vulcan tea? When was the last time you ate?”

“The-the day he died.”

“Jesus, Jim.” Bones went into the kitchen ahead of him. “Let me fix you something.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“The hell you aren’t.” Bones scowled. “There was nothing you could have done, Jim.”

“Bones—”

“Nothing. And no one—not Spock or anyone—blames you.”

“This is so much harder than I ever thought it would be,” Jim said softly, his breath hitching. “I knew—when it happened…if it did—it would be horrible. But this. God. It’s like I’m being torn apart, Bones.”

“It’s going to be all right, Jim. Once you get past the funeral, maybe it will ease a bit.”

“How can it? It’s…it’s Spock.”

Bones eyes softened. “I know, kid. Sit down. I’ll bring you something to eat and some more of that tea.”

Jim sat at the dining room table in Bones’ apartment. His head pounded. His heart felt like it was being torn from his chest.

 _Spock_.

The door of the apartment opened. Jim stood, breath caught in his throat. Hoping. Begging.

“T’hy’la.”

Jim’s breath came out in a rush as he flung himself at Spock, who wrapped his arms around him so tight, Jim thought it might break his ribs and he didn’t care. The tears came as Spock held him. All the love Spock felt, came through the bond at him, and Jim let it heal him, help him.

“I am sorry it took me so long to make it here,” Spock said softly, kissing Jim’s forehead. “I could not get an earlier shuttle from New Vulcan.”

“You’re here now.”

“I grieve with thee.”

“I can’t believe he’s gone.”

Spock kissed him again. “My counterpart lived a long life, Ashaya. I am certain that he is happy to be with his own T’hy’la again.”

Jim pulled back, his eyes filled with tears. “Do you think they are together again?”

“I am certain.”

“I hope so.” He hugged Spock again. “God, it’s like losing you. I can’t bear that.”

“I am here, Jim. I will always be with you.” Spock took his hands. “Come, I know you have not eaten for days. Dr. McCoy has made you something. Will you eat for us?”

Jim nodded. “Okay.”

And though Jim knew he’d lost one Spock, his own Spock--his precious T’hy’la--was here with him. And would be for many years to come.   


	43. Camping

“How long are you gonna stay out here anyway?” Bones asked Jim for what he was certain was the tenth time.

Jim crouched down next to the small campfire he had built. “I don’t know. A week or so I guess.”

“A week?” Bones asked like it was the weirdest thing ever to camp out in the wilderness for a week. Maybe Bones thought so.

Jim shrugged. “Maybe longer.”

“What’s going on in that head of yours, Jim? Talk to me.”

“There’s nothing, Bones.”

“Nothing at all? You won’t talk to anyone. Not me. Not Spock. Not your family.”

Jim scoffed at that. “What family?”

Bones sighed and sat on a large rock. “Your mom has tried to get in touch with you since—”

“I died?” Jim gave an involuntary shiver. He poked a stick at the fire. “I’m fine, Bones. I just need some time alone to process everything.”

“That’s not a good idea. You’ve just experienced something really traumatic.”

Jim barked a laugh. “Oh, yeah. Traumatic. You know when you die you’re not supposed to be brought back.”

“I know,” Bones said quietly. “But it wasn’t time for you to die. Nobody believes that.”

“Are you sure?” Jim shook his head. “I accepted it. I was scared, hell, of course I was, but I knew when I went in there I would die. Do you know what it’s like to wake up after that? No, of course you don’t.”

“No. But I couldn’t let you die like that if I could save you. And neither could Spock. We both went through hell to bring you back and now you won’t even talk to us. You’re in your own world, Jim. That’s not healthy.”

Crickets chirped around them and the distant hoot of an owl. The autumn air turned crisp at night and the warmth of the fire felt good against his skin.

“It’s not that I’m not grateful. I am. It’s just I have all these thoughts and feelings and I really have no idea what’s real, what’s normal.”

Bones frowned. “Are you afraid they’re his thoughts?”

Jim shook his head. “No, they aren’t. And I doubt that would transfer from blood anyway.” He sighed. “I’m in love with someone I shouldn’t be in love with, Bones. I think it’s fucking me up.”

His friend laughed. “All this drama because you’re lovesick?”

“I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

“You already laughed once.”

“Look, this is my serious face,” Bones said, trying not to smile, it was obvious.

“Maybe you should just leave me alone with my thoughts.”

“Not gonna happen. Not tonight anyway. I’m stuck here tonight in that stupid tent you put up because I was idiotic enough to follow you out here to the middle of nowhere. Tomorrow morning I might take the opportunity to return to civilization.”

Jim stood and went over to his backpack by the tent. He pulled out a flask and walked back to the rock Bones sat on. He sat next to him. He unscrewed the cap of the flask and took a drink. He passed it to Bones.

“So what woman’s wiles have you panting with love anyway?” Bones asked after taking a drink.

Jim’s gut twisted. “Not.”

“Not what?”

“A woman.”

Silence greeted that confession and as the silence stretched on Jim could feel his face burning bright red. He took another sip from the flask.

“Well, okay. So who’s the lucky guy?” Bones finally spoke.

“Don’t wanna say,” Jim mumbled.

“Why not? Jesus, Jim, I don’t care if you wanna be with a guy, what the hell difference does that make? It’s not like you’ve never been with guys.”

“Yeah, but that was just for sex. This-this is different.”

“You don’t want to have sex with this guy?”

Jim swallowed, took another gulp and was relieved at the burn in his throat. “I do, yeah. But I mean there’s, you know, emotional investment.” He winced.

“A new thing for you, for sure,” Bones agreed, taking the flask from Jim. “You got any food in that backpack of yours or do we have to survive on this?”

“Oh. Sure. You know, camping stuff. Most of it’s freeze-dried and you add water and heat in order to eat it.”

Bones grimaced. “You call that food? Jesus, Jim.”

“It’s edible. Semi. Can you afford to be so choosy?”

“I certainly can.” Bones made a growling noise. “You owe me for this. I assume I know this guy you’ve flipped your lid over.”

Jim shrugged.

Bones poked his gut. “Come on, spill, princess.”

“He doesn’t love me back,” Jim said instead.

“How do you know?”

“Because he’s you know…with someone.”

“Oh.” Bones sighed. “I begin to see the problem.”

“Yeah. And anyway even if he weren’t, I don’t think he’d want to be with me. I’m not his type.”

“Not into guys?”

Jim shrugged again. “No idea, actually. I meant, well, he’s never indicated anything like that with me. Sometimes we don’t even get along.”

Bones froze. “Fucking hell.”

He winced.

“You are  _not_  talking about who I think you are talking about.”

Jim licked his lips. “I-I don’t know.”

“Bullshit!” Bones swore. “Goddamn it, Jim! It’s the hobgoblin, isn’t it?”

His stomach twisted painfully and the booze soured in his stomach. “Yeah.”

“Of all the idiotic things to do.”

“I know. I completely agree.” Jim poked the stick at the fire again. “I don’t know what to do about it. I mean I guess I’m strong enough to be on the same ship with them together. I guess.”

“Isn’t this sudden?” Bones demanded.

“I think I probably have felt this way for a while, Bones. You know I couldn’t let him die. And when I died…I couldn’t have imagined anyone else being with me at the end.”

“I see.”

“No offense, Bones. You know I love you.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“I think I didn’t want to really acknowledge it before but now I have—now that I’ve realized it—it fucking hurts.”

“You could request their transfers.”

“And how would I do that without having to tell them the reason? Oh, sorry Spock and Uhura, but you two make me sick, so now you’re off the ship.”

Bones snorted. “You don’t have to give them a reason. You’re the captain.”

“And you said it yourself before that they both helped save me. How can I repay that by saying no Enterprise for you?”

“I guess. What are you going to do?”

Jim shook his head. “I’ve tried fucking it out of my system. Thinking maybe I was just really horny.”

“Idiot.”

“Yeah. Well, it was a bust. Except I did get sex.”

“You know—”

They heard the snap of a twig nearby. Jim froze, all sorts of imagined campfire ghost and zombie stories filtering through his head. Or maybe some serial killer. They were fucked.

“Captain. Doctor.”

Scratch that.  _Jim_  was fucked.

Jim stood up so fast he almost stumbled. “Spock!”

Spock tilted his head to the side and gave both Jim and Bones speculative glances. He wore jeans and a flannel shirt and combat boots.

“Are you wearing jeans?” Jim asked dumbly.

“Are they not appropriate attire for a camping adventure?”

“I…uh…yeah. Are you-are you having a camping adventure?”

Bones scowled. “How long have you been out here anyway?”

“I arrived a short time ago,” Spock said evasively. Which was not at all like him.

“How’d you get here?” Jim demanded squinting to look behind Spock.

“I borrowed a hover bike.” Spock paused. “I parked it some distance away, so as not to startle you.”

“Well, you sure as hell didn’t succeed.”

“Bones.”

“Is my presence unwelcome?”

“Of course not,” Jim said in a rush. His stomach was doing flip flops. How much had Spock overheard? He cleared his throat. “Are you hungry?”

“If you are, the food Jim has won’t make you any less so,” Bones grumbled. He rose from the rock and went to his own pack. He pulled out a bag of potato chips.

“Aren’t doctors supposed to recommend healthy foods?”

“It’s better than the crap you brought.”

Jim frowned. “It says on the package it’s healthy.”

“Captain, may I have a private word with you?”

Spock’s quietly spoken question made Jim’s insides freeze. Oh crap.

“Um. Well, Bones is right here and I am not sure we can really have a lot of privacy.”

“Don’t mind me, I’ll wait in the tent eating my chips.” Bones went inside the tent without another word.”

Spock looked at Jim expectantly. “If you would walk with me for a short distance we can have more privacy.”

Jim licked his lips. “Okay.”

Jim followed Spock a little from the campsite. Spock held a tiny light that lit the way.

“I didn’t expect you out here,” Jim said as they walked.

“I was concerned for your welfare. You had spoken of needing to get away from everything in the city. You may be suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.”

Jim snorted. “Maybe. I suffer from a lot of disorders. Did Uhura approve of you coming out here?”

Spock glanced his way. “I do not require Nyota’s permission for any activities, Captain.”

“Well, yeah. But still. You must have at least told her.”

“She is aware, yes.”

Jim stopped. He could still see the camp. “What is it you want to talk about, Spock?”

“I overheard some of your conversation with Dr. McCoy.”

Jim sighed, his stomach flipping again. “I figured. You should have let me know you were there. No one likes to be eavesdropped on.”

“It was not my intention.”

“Yeah, well. Now you’ve heard. Can you-can you just pretend you didn’t?”

“I would prefer not to.”

“Well, that’s too bad because I prefer that you do. Look, Spock, it’s my issue, not yours. I’m not gonna transfer anyone unless you request it. Otherwise just carry on as usual, okay?”

Jim turned away, intending to head back toward camp when Spock grabbed his arm and spun him around.

“What—” But his protest was silenced by Spock’s lips covering his.

For a moment Jim didn’t respond he was so startled by the feel of Spock’s lips on his. Spock’s lips were unexpectedly warm, soft and…demanding.

 _Wow_.

Jim’s mouth softened under his finally and he started kissing back, he curled his fingers into Spock’s flannel shirt. It was amazingly rich, soft flannel and damn Spock looked good. He heard a whimper and realized he’d made the sound himself.

He opened his mouth on a gasp and Spock’s tongue slipped inside. Holy shit, Spock’s tongue was in his mouth, Jim thought weirdly.

 His stomach had begun to pool not with dread but with desire.

And then he remembered, Bones was just a few feet away in the tent with his damn chips and he pushed away from Spock.

“Spock!”

Spock’s dark eyes were glazed for a moment before they focused. “My apologies, Captain.”

“Your apologies? You mean you didn’t want to kiss me?”

“Negative.”

“What?”

Spock blinked. “I mean, yes, I did.”

Jim’s head was spinning. ”So…that means what…exactly?”

“I believe it means I reciprocate what you told Dr. McCoy.” Spock shook his head. “You should have told me rather than the doctor.”

“Well. But.” Jim shrugged. “I didn’t think you wanted to know.”

“You should not assume.”

“Yes, but…wait. What? You reciprocate?”

“Yes.”

“That means you’re in love with me?” Jim could hardly believe his ears and he was pretty sure he might be blushing judging by the heat radiating from his face.  _Him_  blushing?

“I believe I made that quite clear.”

“Not to me.” Jim blew out a breath and then shook his head. Why the hell was he arguing anyway? Spock just admitted he loved Jim back. He grinned and went in for another kiss, which Spock returned with equal fervor.

It was then that Jim heard loud coughing coming from the campsite. With a reluctant sigh, Jim pulled away and shot a glare in Bones’ general direction.

“I really want to do way more but there’s a rather obvious problem with that,” Jim said, pointing in the tent’s direction.

“It would seem so,“ Spock agreed. “When I decided to join you here I did not anticipate declarations.”

“Yeah, me either.” He searched Spock’s gaze. “What about Uhura?”

“Nyota and I ended our romantic relationship while you were still in the hospital. We have maintained a friendship.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that?”

Spock arched a brow. “I was unaware at the time that the information was relevant.”

“Spock,” Jim said through gritted teeth. And then he laughed. “I guess the timing doesn’t really matter.”

“Indeed.”

“Who did you borrow the hover bike from?”

“Nyota. She used to use it during her academy days.”

“Mm.” Jim leaned over to kiss Spock again. When they finally came up for air several minutes later, he murmured. “Guess we need to get back to camp.”

Bones came out of the tent as they approached it. He clutched his bag of chips to his chest and of course he was scowling. “I promise to leave first thing in the morning if you two will stop kissing.”

Jim laughed. “Bothers you, does it?”

“To see you and the hobgoblin kissing? Hell, yeah. That damn tent is see-through. What kind of tent is see-through?”

“I got it cheap.”

“Figures. Anyway, let’s eat something. And no kissing.”

Spock touched his index finger and middle finger to Jim’s.

Bones eyes narrowed. “I happen to know that’s kissing too, Spock.”

“Spoil sport,” Jim said with a grin.

“You will have to get used to certain amounts of affection exchanged between the captain and myself, doctor.”

“Great,” Bones mumbled.

Jim went to his bag and took out the dehydrated food pouches. “I think there’s even something that claims to be vegetarian, Spock.”

“Stuck camping with a couple of fools,” Bones commented, but there was no heat by it and he was smiling. “We could sing.”

“No, we could not,” Spock spoke up.

“Oh, come on, Spock,” Jim whined.

“Have you heard  _Row, Row, Row Your Boat_?” Bones asked.

“Negative and I mean to keep it that way.”

Jim chuckled. “Okay, no singing.”

“Thank you, Captain.”

“Taking Spock’s side already. This five-year mission is going to take forever.”

Spock frowned. “It is going to last five years, doctor, not forever.”

Bones covered his face with his hands. Jim used the opportunity to lean over and steal a kiss from Spock.

“I hear that,” Bones said.

“Oh, be quiet,” Jim said, kissing Spock thoroughly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was inspired to write a camping scene between these three because of a few scenes in one of the Star Trek movies with Shatner, Nimoy, and Kelley (The Final Frontier as my friend reminded me) It was an incredibly corny scene actually, in my opinion, and the three of them do sing Row,Row, Row Your Boat, but I just couldn’t do that to my Kirk, Spock, and McCoy. Sorry!


	44. Waking Up

Jim woke to lips pressed to the back of his neck. His eyelids were heavy, reluctant to lift to reveal the light in the room. He kept them closed and settled deeper into the soft silky sheets. He was cocooned under warm downy blankets and hot, bare skin rubbed along his bare back and buttocks.

A moan escaped his lips as the mouth nibbling at the nape of his neck slipped down to his shoulders and spine alternating licks and bites. Jim fisted the sheet and found himself raising his hips almost against his will.

A hot tongue trailed down his back, down the curvature of his spine to the indent just above his cheeks.

“God,” he murmured into his pillow. “Please.”

The tongue moved lower still until it trailed down the seam between his cheeks. His breath hitched and the tongue darted into his hole, laving his entrance generously.

Strong hands parted his thighs, fingertips grazing over the sensitive skin there before moving in to squeeze his balls. His morning wood perked up to full force, the erection straining against the confines of the sheet, leaking precum.

Abruptly the tongue moved out of him and the hands smoothed up his torso. Bare abs and chest caressed his back. Hot breath fanned his ear.

“Please,” he begged again, shivering as his lover blew along the shell of his ear, to his jaw.

Slick fingers inserted between his cheeks had him gasping, desperate to be filled. Their sharp jabs made him push back, eager for more. The fingers withdrew, replaced by the blunt head of his lover’s cock, pushing deep, thrusting home again and again, making Jim whimper with need.

“Mine,” came the growl he was waiting for.

Goosebumps spread over his skin and his breath caught on the required response, “Yes, yours.”


	45. Developing Relationship

Jim shouldn’t have been surprised when Spock accessed his quarters with a high security override code. He should have known it was coming when Bones had tried and failed to reach him.

He didn’t bother to look up from the floor of his quarters where he sat, knees pulled tight against his chest, bottle of scotch from Scotty in his hand. But even with his gaze on the floor he caught the long thin lengths in the regulation black pants and boots. Closing his eyes, he tilted his head back and took another swallow of the scotch. It burned down his throat.

Spock said nothing, just stood there. Jim imagined he had his hands behind his back as he often did. Probably standing stiff and unyielding as he often did. No doubt waiting for Jim to acknowledge him in some way. Jim refused.

“You have been crying,” Spock said into the lingering silence.

Jim shrugged.

“And you are inebriated.”

He shrugged again.

“Is that Mr. Scott’s missing scotch?”

Jim nodded.

“I doubt he will be pleased to learn you have almost consumed the entire bottle.”

That earned Spock another shrug.

“Dr. McCoy sent me,” Spock said after more silence.

“Fine.”

“What?”

Jim sighed, kept his eyes closed. His eyes hurt, his nose was stopped up. Too much crying. “I said…I’m fine.”

“You are on the floor of your quarters drinking and crying. You have refused all entry to your quarters, even Dr. McCoy. I must doubt the truth of your claims.”

“Well, how about this then? You and Bones can both go fuck yourselves? How about that?”

“I do not believe that is physically possible.”

Jim snorted a laugh at that. “Go away, Spock.”

“And if I refuse?”

“I’ll put you on report.”

“You are in no condition to report on anything, Captain.”

“Okay. I’ll call security and have them throw you in the brig, then,” Jim said and took another mouthful of scotch. They both knew he would not so he was not at all surprised when Spock didn’t leave.

He was surprised when Spock suddenly sat down beside him, leaning against the bulkhead next to him. So surprised he actually opened his eyes and stared at Spock. God, Spock was gorgeous. Wait…no. He wasn’t supposed to think that.

“There was nothing you could have done,” Spock said, staring back at Jim, his dark eyes intense.

“No?”

“No.”

“I know what it’s like to die from radiation, Spock. It’s horrible. It hurts and it’s scary as hell knowing there’s nothing you can do but lay there and die as you take your last fucking breath.”

“I know,” Spock said quietly. “I watched you.”

“How come they couldn’t be brought back to life?”

“It was not possible, Captain.”

“Ten people, Spock. Ten members of my crew that I knew well. Talked to every day. And I couldn’t help them.”

“It is impossible to help everyone.”

Jim sighed and closed his eyes again. “Why was I saved and not them? It’s not fair.”

“Perhaps not,” Spock agreed. “But I am still gratified that you are here.”

“Why doesn’t it ever get easier?”

“Because you are an emotional, passionate being. You feel deeply. Therefore when something happens like this that you cannot control, you blame yourself.”

Jim snorted “You analyzing me, Spock?”

“Negative. I have merely learned your patterns. I apologize for my part in adding to your distress.”

“Yeah.” He’d had a pretty heated argument with Spock earlier. He’d gotten in Spock’s face and Spock had pushed him. For a moment he had expected the Vulcan to place his hands around Jim’s neck once more.

“I did not like you placing yourself in danger. In retrospect I could have handled the situation better,” Spock admitted.

“I think we’re always going to fight like cats and dogs, Spock. I don’t know how the other us did it.”

“They were friends.”

Jim opened his eyes again and looked at Spock. “We’re friends, aren’t we?” He went to take another swig of scotch but Spock’s hand came out to stop the bottle from rising to Jim’s lips.

“We are. However, we are not just friends.”

“You mean because we fuck sometimes?”

Spock arched a brow. “I would not put it in those terms.”

Jim smiled a little. “What term would you use?”

“We are in a developing relationship.”

“Oh. I see. Okay, so we fucked after I got back from the Tholian web.”

“I recall.”

He did laugh at that. “Me too. Then we fucked after I came back from the Mirror universe. Bearded you was hot by the way.”

“I assumed that was why you suggested I grow a beard at the time.”

Jim grinned. “You refused. And we fucked when I was split in two.”

“Negative.”

“No?” Jim frowned. “I seemed to recall—”

“It was after you were returned to one.”

“Semantics.”

“Nevertheless, I prefer accuracy,” Spock said.

“A total of three times. The last time was what? A month ago.”

Spock nodded. “That is correct.”

“If we’re in a developing relationship, Spock, I gotta say it moves pretty slow.”

“I’ve been waiting for you to suggest more frequent sexual congress.”

Jim’s mouth fell open at that. “You—wait. What?”

“I believe I made myself clear.”

“We could have been doing it like bunnies all this time?”

“I fail to see how the sexual behaviors of rabbits—”

“Spock!” Jim huffed out a breath. “You know, you could have suggested it.”

Spock gave a little shrug. “I thought my interest was quite apparent.”

“Fuck!”

“At the moment you are inebriated so I suggest we wait,” Spock said quite seriously.

Jim laughed again. “You make me insane. You know that?” He scooted closer to Spock, and leaned his head against Spock’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

“For impacting your mental health?”

“No.” Jim grinned. “For coming here and dealing with me. I know I’m a pain in the ass.”

Spock was silent for a while. “That is true. Now that we have established that we are in a developing relationship, can we move off the hard floor?”

“Yes. In a moment.” Jim smiled and closed his eyes.


	46. Hostage Switch

“You’re gonna beam back up to the ship with Uhura and Sulu. Swarostky, too.”

“And you, Captain?” Spock asked.

“I’m going to go with the Lyrians as their prisoner.”

Spock pushed aside the sense of panic those words caused. “I do not agree with that plan.”

“It’s the only way to save Bones, Spock. They’re already holding him. You guys beam up to the Enterprise and figure out a way to rescue me. And preferably fast. I don’t relish being tortured.”

“I will go in your place.”

“I’m not asking you to,” Jim said wearily.

“I am aware, but I will go anyway.”

“No, Spock.”

“Captain—”

“I’m the captain, it’s my duty to see to the safety of my crew.”

“All your crew. Not just Dr. McCoy. It will serve no purpose for you to sacrifice yourself in this manner,” Spock insisted.

Jim laughed. “I’m not sacrificing myself. Or at least I hope not. There is no one I trust more to handle the rescue than you, Spock.”

Spock tried again, “Captain—”

Jim’s jaw clenched which meant bad things as far as Spock was concerned. “That’s an order, Commander.”

“Yes, Captain,” Spock made himself say.

Jim nodded. “Okay. I’ll see you back on the Enterprise.”

He made himself nod, because his throat was throbbing and he could not currently speak. Spock heard Nyota gasp behind him as Jim stepped forward and offered himself to the Lyrians in exchange for Dr. McCoy. There was some tense negotiations but finally they agreed and Spock was forced to watch as they seized his captain, pushing him to his knees and holding a phaser to his head.

Nyota’s hand rested on Spock’s back and he knew she was trying to offer him comfort.

The Lyrians brought out Dr. McCoy from a cave. His face was battered and bruised, his shirt torn, but he was upright as they thrust him violently toward Spock and the others.

“What the fuck, Spock? You’re letting them take Jim?” Dr. McCoy demanded, his expression one of horror as they watched the Lyrians knock their captain unconscious.

Spock clenched his fists in rage.

“Leonard,” Uhura whispered in warning.

“Spock to Enterprise. Five to beam up.”

As soon as they appeared on the Enterprise, Spock stepped down and started issuing orders, ignoring further protests from Dr. McCoy. He had to save Jim.

****

Okay, so things weren’t so bad, Jim thought. Sure, he’d been tortured, but he’d had worse. Hadn’t he? His back was raw and bleeding from being whipped with some metal rod. His lip was split open, his left eye was swollen shut and there was some vague pain in his abdomen from the kicks they’d given him, but really? Not so bad.

He wondered how long he’d been there already and just as he closed his eyes he heard the distant sound of phasers. He tried to keep his eyes open, but he failed.

****

Spock waited by Jim’s bedside for him to wake. The rescue had injured four security officers and ended the lives of three Lyrians, but they had Jim back.

Shortly after getting him back on the Enterprise, Dr. McCoy had to operate because the captain had internal bleeding.

“Still not awake?” Nyota asked, coming to stand next to Spock.

Spock shook his head.

“He’ll be all right, Spock,” she said softly. She touched his arm. “Don’t you think it’s time to tell him?”

“Tell me what?”

Spock’s breath caught in his throat as blue eyes stared at him. “Captain, you are awake.”

Jim smiled a little. “Obviously. What do you need to tell me?”

Nyota cleared her throat. “I’ll go get Leonard.”

“So?” Jim asked. He was pale but he looked beautiful to Spock’s eyes. “Something about the Lyrians?”

“Due to their actions their admittance into the Federation has been denied.”

Jim laughed a little. “I would guess so. Bones is all right?”

“Yes. His injuries were superficial.”

“Good. Anything else?”

“I…am gratified you are recovering.”

“Me, too. Are you all right?”

Spock stared into those intense blue eyes. “Now I am.”

Jim smiled some more and reached for Spock’s hand. Spock’s hand closed around his. “About time you admitted it.”

Spock couldn’t hide his surprise as he slid his fingers along Jim’s. “You knew of my affection for you, Captain?”

“Everybody knew. For the record, I feel the same. And everyone knows that too.”

“I did not.”

“I’m pretty sure they’ve been wagering over us.”

Spock was scandalized. “Our personal lives are no matter to the crew.”

“Sure. You gonna kiss me or what?”

“I have been kissing you.”

Jim’s gaze went to their fingers caressing and he smiled. “How about a human kiss?”

Spock leaned over and covered Jim’s lips with his.

“Hallelujah!” McCoy shouted gleefully from somewhere near them. “M’Benga, you owe me fifty credits!”


	47. In the Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Total fluffiness

**Jim**

 

“I love you.”

_No._

“Spock, I love you.”

Jim grimaced.

“You know I love you, right?”

_Ugh._

“I like you. A lot.”

_No. Hell no._

“I think I’m in love with you.”

_Grr._

“Why is this so hard? All I have to say is, Spock, I never knew what love was until I met you. I can’t imagine life without you here on our home, the Enterprise. Easy.”

“Jim?”

He froze and looked up at the top of the mirror to meet Spock’s eyes. The look in his chocolate eyes stole Jim’s breath. “Hi.”

“I love you, too,” Spock said softly.

 

**Spock**

 

About to comm Jim to ask if he’d like to play chess, Spock heard the sound of his captain’s voice coming from their shared bathroom. Curious, he peered inside, expecting the captain either on his communicator or perhaps entertaining Dr. McCoy.

Jim was in front of the mirror talking. Spock knew humans were peculiar but this seemed strange even for them. Then he heard his name being spoken with words of love.

His heart leapt to hear the welcome words he’d never expected from Jim.

“Jim?”

“Hi.” Jim’s startled blue eyes met Spock’s in the mirror.  

“I love you, too.”    


	48. Under the Influence

“Whatever Spock drank down there really affected him, Jim.”

Jim watched as Spock sat on the biobed and alternated between laughing and crying. “I can see that, Bones. What do I do?”

“Nothing.”

Jim shot Bones a look. ”Nothing?”

Bones shrugged. “It’s not going to do any permanent damage to him. Near as I can figure out it’ll work its way through his system eventually just like anyone else. In the meantime, he needs to stay off duty.”

“No shit. Spock would be very unhappy if anyone saw him like this.” Jim shook his head. “If he’s okay to leave sickbay, I’ll get him to his quarters.”

“Yeah, he’s fine to go there. But you might want to get someone to watch him.”

“I’ll watch him.” Jim went over to Spock. “Hey, Spock.”

Spock smiled. “Hello, Captain.”

“I’m going to take you to your quarters, all right?”

“That would be advisable under the circumstances.”

Jim nodded. “So Bones told you?”

“Affirmative, beautiful.”

Jim blinked. “What?”

Spock laughed. “You are aesthetically pleasing. You must be aware of this.”

“Uh. Do you need help walking?”

Spock gave him a sly look. “Yes.”

“Um, okay.” He put arm around Spock’s waist and Spock pulled him close. “Whoa, whoa, easy there, Spock.”

The Vulcan sniffed Jim’s hair. “You have a pleasing smell.”

Jim patted Spock’s arm. “All right, then. Let’s get you to your quarters.”

“Yes, Captain.”

Bones looked amused as they passed him by and Jim glared in his direction. Spock noticed the look.

“Are you and Dr. McCoy involved?”

“What? Bones and me?”

“It is a logical question.”

“The answer is no. Happy?”

Spock smiled. “I am.”

Jim had no idea why, but he let it drop and got Spock out of sickbay and to the turbolift without running into any crew members.

As soon as the turbolift doors closed, he felt Spock staring at him intently. Jim turned to look at him and Spock’s face was very close to his.

Jim licked his dry, chapped lips. “Uh. Hi.”

Spock’s gaze went to Jim’s mouth. “Whenever you do that I desire to suck on your tongue.”

“Huh?” Jim was sure his eyes were popping out of his head.

Spock’s eyes flicked up to Jim’s. “I desire you.”

“Well, uh, seriously. That’s, uh. Oh good we’re here.” The doors opened on the corridor containing the quarters. “Let’s go, Spock.”

He punched in Spock’s code aware that Spock was still staring at him. He pulled Spock inside and the door closed behind him. “Maybe you should go to bed,” Jim suggested.

“I am amenable to that,” said Spock. “But you will have to remove your clothes first.”

Jim laughed this time. “Uh, no, Spock. Not me. You.”

Spock frowned. “I see no point in retiring to bed if you will not join me.”

“To sleep off the stuff you drank down on the planet. It’s got you acting kind of strange.”

Spock nodded. “I am aware I am not currently in control of my emotions.”

“To say the least.”

“However, I do not believe it is making me think or feel things I do not already think or feel.”

It was Jim’s turn to frown. “What was that?”

“It is not planting falsehoods in my mind, Captain.”

“Meaning?”

“When I say I desire you it is because it is true,” Spock said, smiling again. It was weird to see Spock smile.

“Seriously?”

“Indeed.”

Jim shook his head. “We’d better get you to sit down.” He led Spock over to the bed and gently pushed him down. Spock obeyed without question, sitting on the edge. “Does Uhura know this?”

“Why should she?”

“Well, because, you know.”

Spock looked confused. “I do not.”

“You and her. Doing it. You know.”

“Oh.” Spock nodded. “We have not been _doing it_ , as you say, for some time.”

Jim’s heart leapt at that. “No?”

“Negative. Nyota felt that my love for you was an impediment to our continuing romantic relationship.”

“Wait. What? You love me too? I mean as well as wanting me?”

“Did I not say so?”

“Well, not at first. But well…sort of now, yeah.” Jim shook his head. “Are you sure it’s not the stuff you drank?”

“You may comm Dr. McCoy and ask him if you would like.”

“Ask Bones if you’d say you love me if you didn’t? Oh, hell no. He’d have a field day and never stop teasing me for the rest of my life.” Jim watched Spock. “You know I feel the same, right?”

Spock arched a brow in his usual Spock-like way. “I suspected as much.”

“Okay, so when were you gonna tell me?”

“When were you, sweetheart?” Spock returned.

“Did you just call me sweetheart?”

Spock nodded, then smiled. “If you prefer I can use Vulcan endearments.”

“Vulcan? Vulcans have endearments?” Jim shook his head. “Never would have guessed that. You don’t seem like the endearment type.”

Spock reached over and pulled Jim down on the bed and under him so fast that Jim barely caught his breath. “Taluhk nash-veh k’dular.”

Jim’s breath hitched as Spock’s lips were just half an inch from his. “Is that an endearment?”

Spock nodded. “You could say that.”

“Taluhk nash-veh k’dular,” Jim repeated. “Is that right?”

Spock’s nostrils flared. “Yes, it is. Do you know what you said?”

“No.”

“You told me you cherished me.”

Jim swallowed _._ ”So, then, you told me you cherished me?”

“Affirmative.”

“Oh.” He traced his lips with his tongue. “I guess there’s only one thing left to do then.”

“Indeed.” Spock kissed him. And then kissed him again.


	49. Visions

“Checkmate.”

Jim smiled. “Again, Spock? How many is that?”

Spock looked amused. He had stopped pretending Jim didn’t amuse him years ago. “I have lost count, Jim. I can try and recall if it’s important.”

Jim chuckled. “No, it’s not.” He surveyed the chess set in their quarters fondly. “Want another game?”

Spock shook his head. “You look tired, ashaya. Perhaps we should retire.”

“All right.” Jim stood and stretched his back, cracking it so loudly he cringed. “Sorry.”

“There is no need to apologize. Is your arthritis acting up?”

“Maybe a little.”

“I will apply ointment to your back.” Spock went into a drawer and started to sort through the contents looking for the tube of ointment.

Jim watched him for a moment, noticed the slight shaking of his hands. Jim’s throat constricted. “Spock?”

“Yes, Jim?”

He smiled. “I love you.”

Spock's eyes were warm as he looked up at Jim. “And I you. Always.”

Jim nodded. “I know.”

“You are my heart. Taluhk nash-veh k’dular, t’hy’la.”

Jim’s eyes brimmed with tears. “Computer, end program.”

Spock and their quarters disappeared instantly and Jim was in an empty room with just equipment. His communicator chirped.

Jim flipped it open. “Kirk here.”

“Where are you, Jim?” Bones asked.

“You didn't have the computer locate me?”

“Nah.”

“I’m on the holodeck.”

A long pause. “I’ll be right there.”

He stayed there until Bones arrived. Bones entered the room and came to squeeze Jim’s shoulder. “You okay?”

“No. Yes.” Jim shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“Do you really think this is a good idea?” Bones sighed. “Stupid new technology. Now you can imagine anything.”

Jim smiled a little. “It helps.”

“I don’t see how. Jim—”

“For a little while I have him back again,” Jim said slowly. “It helps, Bones. If I didn't have this, the ache would never go away. It’s bad enough the emptiness in my head. I can’t handle the emptiness in my heart.”

Bones just nodded, his own eyes looking watery. “I know. I miss him too. Not like you, of course.”

“I wasn't supposed to outlive him, Bones. It’s not fucking fair.”

“No. You’re right. We’re almost at the space station. They tried to contact you. T’Salonde and Solok are waiting for you.”

 Jim nodded, feeling a little more cheerful at the news his children with Spock would be waiting on the space station.

He followed Bones from the holodeck and down to the transporter room.

“You ready, Admiral?” the transporter chief asked and at Jim’s nod, he flipped the switch.

A short time later they beamed down and standing there waiting were his children.

T’Salonde appeared mostly Vulcan, her dark eyes the same as Spock's. Solok, however, had a blond bowl cut and pointed ears, but otherwise he looked almost exactly like Jim.

“Father,” T’Salonde said, coming to hug him. “You are well?”

“Yeah. I’m okay.”

Solok came forward with a smile. “Hey, Dad.”

“You both look great. Lunch?”

“At least,” Solok agreed. “You’re staying with me while you’re here.”

“Negative, he is staying with me,” Jim’s daughter insisted.

“No way, you always get your way.”

“Children.” Jim smiled. “You can take turns.”

Solok flashed Jim’s own smile back at him as he looped his arm with Jim’s. “Come, Dad. You look too sad. We’ll cheer you up.”

“I am sure you will,” Jim said. “I am sure you will.”

“Come along, Bones,” Solok called over his shoulder as they started walking.

“Insolent brat,” Bones muttered but he trailed after them.  

  


	50. Life With Father and Sa-Mekh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Companion piece of Visions, sort of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Total fluffiness to counteract the sadness of Visions

Jim leaned over the PADD lying on the counter and squinted at the recipe, while he stirred the ingredients already in the mixing bowl.

“It is illogical to not wear your glasses due to a false sense of vanity,” a prim feminine voice announced from down below.

He looked down at the tiny Vulcan girl standing on a wooden stool and gazing up at him, her expression every bit as blank as Spock, who she bore an uncanny resemblance too.

“I don’t need them, T’Salonde.”

She arched her tiny Vulcan brow. “You speak falsely, Father. I was there when Sa-Mekh advised that you do need them to read.”

“He’s a tattle-tale.”

“That word is nonsensical.”

Jim sighed. “It is not. And anyway, I thought you were doing homework or whatever.”

In actuality she was not yet officially in school but his and Spock’s daughter was far advanced for her age intellectually so Spock had been teaching her and giving her assignments to do.

“I finished all the assignments Sa-Mekh gave me this morning. Since he is currently out for a walk with Solok, I thought I would offer my assistance to you for the task of preparing our evening meal.”

“You want to help?”

She nodded solemnly. “I believe I just said so.”

“Yeah, but in far more words than was necessary. Next time just say, hey, Dad, I feel like helping you cook.”

“I do not call you dad, I call you Father.”

“Well, you know whatever.” He put the bowl on the counter and reached down and picked her up. She wrapped her arms around his neck. “You want to read the ingredients to me so I don’t have to squint or get my glasses, sweetpea?”

At one time T’Salonde had informed him that pet names were illogical, but she had long since accepted Jim’s ways. So she glanced down at the PADD still on the counter.

“That would be an acceptable use of my time. I will sit there,” she said, pointing to the table, “and read the instructions to you.”

“Terrific.” Jim grabbed the PADD and brought her over to the table and sat her in the chair. He handed it to her.

“What have you done so far?”

“Mixed the first three ingredients.”

She nodded. “Very well. What is Eggplant?”

“That purple stuff over there on the counter.”

“It is a vegetable?”

“Yeah, duh. I know you guys eat vegetables.”

T’Salonde sniffed. “I am making certain. You offered Solok a bit of your chicken salad last week.”

“He liked it too.” Jim grinned.

“It is fine if he chooses to eat like you, Father, but I choose to eat like Sa-Mekh.”

“Yes, I know. What’s next on the recipe?”

She opened her mouth to reply when the front door slammed open with a bang and the sound of loud running feet approached them. Their son, Solok, blond with pointy ears and blue eyes rushed into the kitchen.

“Hey, Dad!” Solok shouted. T’Salonde covered her pointy ears. He ignored his sister. “We had a great walk.”

“Yeah?”

Spock entered the kitchen at a much more sedate pace. He wore a bulky wool sweater and his cheeks were still flushed green from the cold. “We had an educational walk, Solok.”

“Oh yeah, right. Sa-Mekh made me look at all these rocks.”

“I did not make you, I suggested a survey of them,” Spock said.

“That’s what I said.” Solok tugged at Jim’s shirt so he reached down and lifted the boy into his arms. He peered down at the bowl. “What’s that?”

“Nothing yet. It’s going to be Eggplant Parmesan.”

Spock glanced at the dining room table where Jim had left his reading glasses. “I see you are still discarding your glasses.”

“I don’t need them because I have an assistant.”

Spock arched a brow. “I see.”

“Well, whatever it is, I hope it’s fast, cause I’m starving,”  
Solok said.

“You are not starving, Solok,” Spock said.

“It’s just an expression, Sa-Mekh.”

“An illogical one.”

“Dad says it all the time.”

Spock looked at Jim. “A habit I have been attempting to have him break for some years. However, you are not Dad, therefore, you will simply say that you are hungry.”

Jim smiled.

“It is time for your bath, Solok.”

“Oh, man. Do I hafta?”

“Have to,” Spock corrected. “And yes. Your sister is currently assisting Dad with dinner. You must go first. Besides you rolled around in mud.”

At that Jim looked at Spock in surprise. “You let him roll around in mud?” He glanced at his son. “Did you just get mud on me?”

“I did not let him. He leaped into a puddle of mud from yesterday’s rain storm.”

Solok smiled slyly.

Jim rolled his eyes and set the child on the floor. “Go on. Now I gotta go clean up myself.”

“Can we have pizza?” Solok asked, trotting after Spock.

“No, we’re having Eggplant Parmesan,” Jim called after him.

“Ah!”

Jim glanced at T’Salonde who sat primly waiting in her chair. “Well, what’s the next step in the recipe?”

She shook her head. “You are covered in mud, Father.”

He glanced down and saw the mud smears all over him. “Damn it. I mean…gosh darn it.” He sighed. _Kids_. How’d he let Spock talk him into this anyway? “Fine. I’ll go take a shower.” He eyed her and then the bowl. “Do not try and make it yourself.”

“I am capable of—”

“Nope. Wait for me. Go, um, read something.”

“What?”

“I don’t know. Rapunzel or something.”

She arched her brow like Spock. “What is Rapunzel?”

“You know, a fairy tale. It’s around here somewhere.”

“A fairy tale?”

“Yes. You know. Once upon a time and all that.”

“Oh.” She gave a little sigh. “Very well. But I will submit a book report on it when I have completed it.”

He smiled. “I would expect nothing less, sweetpea.”

She left the kitchen muttering “Illogical”. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have children, I don't write children, I do wish I had a little Vulcan child though. Would be awesome.


	51. Overheard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. I am posting something else today (07/11) but if you all haven't figured out by now I am crazy, you probably never will.

Jim had been in his quarters after his shift for about half an hour and Jim was bored.

Somebody somewhere must be able to entertain him. He went to the medbay first where he ran into Christine Chapel.

“Hey, Chris, Bones around?”

She looked behind her to Bones’ office. “Well, Captain.” She hit her lip.

“What?”

Christine lowered her voice, “He’s not exactly alone.”

Jim frowned. “Is he consulting with someone?”

Her eyes got wide and she smiled. “No. Um, you know, he’s with Carol Marcus.”

“Carol?”

She shushed him. “Yes, and she went in about an hour ago. They’ve been giggling.”

Jim stared at her. “Giggling? Bones?”

Christine shrugged. “I guess she brings it out in him.”

“Well, hell.” Jim sighed. “What about you?”

“What about me, Captain?”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m on duty.”

He sighed again. “I’m bored.”

“I think they were getting a card game going or whatever in the rec room,” Christine told him.

Jim nodded. “Okay, thanks.”

He made his way to the rec room and saw Scotty, Sulu, Chekov and a few others playing cards. He went to the replicator first to obtain some coffee, but he was close enough to hear their conversation. He was pretty sure they hadn’t noticed him.

“Should we have invited the captain?” Sulu asked.

“No,” Chekov said. “I like the Keptin wery much but he iz terrible card player.”

“The lad’s right. I’m pretty sure he cheats.”

“Nah, not one can be that bad and cheat. Just sucks I think,” one of the others said.

Jim blinked, turned away from the replicator and left the rec room. Okay, so much for _that_ idea. He had no idea they all hated his card playing that much. And now didn’t he just feel great? No wonder they hadn’t bothered to invite them for their last several games.

Maybe he could convince Spock to play chess with him. He didn’t suck at chess. And hell, he definitely wanted to see Spock. He stopped at the computer on the wall of the corridor. “Computer, locate Commander Spock.”

“Commander Spock is in Lab 4.”

Lab 4 it was. So Jim got in the turbolift and headed there. He had just reached the outside of the lab door, which was open, when he heard Uhura’s voice.

“I don’t know, Spock. He’s just so obnoxious.”

“Nyota.”

She sighed. “I know you consider him your friend now and whatever else he is. Even I think he makes a good captain and can be really great. But damn, he thinks he’s funny and charming and he’s not. Those jokes he told at the meeting with senior officers today were just so bad. Come on, you have to admit he can grate on your nerves.”

Jim’s stomach was now twisted in knots and he felt his face burn with humiliation.

“There are times, yes,” Spock replied.

And that was it. Now he felt completely crushed and unwanted. He turned and walked back to the turbolift and got in. He reached the floor for his quarters and ran into Yeoman Rand.

“Hello, Captain,” she said pleasantly.

“Yeoman.”

“Are you all right, sir? You look kind of sad.”

“I’m fine, Yeoman. Thanks.”

She hesitated and then nodded. “I sent several reports that need your attention to your PADD, sir.”

“Okay, I’ll take a look.” Then he entered his quarters and laid on the bed staring up at the ceiling.

His door chimed fifteen minutes later, Jim ignored it. A short time later his communicator beeped and he ignored it, too.

Another half an hour passed and his door chimed again. Jim scowled. “Go away,” he mumbled.

Five minutes later and there was the chirp of his communicator.

With a sigh, he picked it up. “Kirk here.”

“Captain?” Spock’s voice.

“What is it, Commander?”

“I wondered if you would like a game of chess. I can bring the set to your quarters.”

His chest tightened. “No, that’s all right. I’ll pass.”

There was a long pause.

Jim rolled his eyes. “If there’s nothing else, Commander, I’m busy.”

“No, Captain. Spock out.”

And why should _he_ feel bad? Spock and everyone else were the ones who found him obnoxious.

****

Jim sipped from his coffee and waited impatiently for his senior officers to arrive at the debriefing. He tapped his fingers on the table.

“You all right, Jim?” Bones asked, taking a seat next to him.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You look…well pissed.”

“Let’s just get this meeting started,” Jim said. He glared at Uhura and Sulu who were standing by the door chatting. “Can you two take your seat? Now.”

They both glanced at him in surprise, as did most everyone else in the room, but they hurried to their seats.

“You should have all read the mission report, so I’m not going to baby you and read it to you. If you haven’t you’d better do it. I don’t want to hear any excuses. We should be to the Gamma Sector in sixteen point four hours. We’ll be forming a landing party, which Commander Spock will advise you of when we’re ready. Any questions?”

They all stared at him.

He stood. “Good. Dismissed.” And before anyone could say anything else, he left the conference room and headed for the bridge.

“Captain, are you okay?” Uhura asked him shortly after she arrived on the bridge.

“Fine, Lieutenant. Report to your station.”

She stiffened a little. “Yes, sir.”

He felt Spock’s hovering presence a few minutes later by his chair but he didn’t look.

“Captain?”

“Mr. Spock?”

Before Spock could say anything else Sulu and Chekov whispered something to each other and then both laughed.

“Can we have our minds on the mission, gentlemen?” Jim snapped.

They both straightened and muttered yes, captain.

Jim noticed that Spock returned to his station without another word.

****

“You have been unusually quiet,” Spock said when they got into the turbolift together after returning from the planet in the Gamma Sector.

“Just trying not to grate on anyone’s nerves,” Jim said coolly.

He felt Spock’s stare as he left the turbolift for his quarters.

He’d been at his desk only a few minutes when someone sought entry into his quarters. He knew who it was so he just opened the door.

“Captain.” Spock stood before him.

“Yeah?”

“You somehow overheard my conversation with Nyota.”

Jim shrugged. There was no point in denying it. “It’s fine, Spock. You don’t have to like me.” It might hurt like hell considering everything, but Jim would accept it. Had to, didn’t he?

Spock sighed which surprised Jim. “I more than like you. If you had listened to the entire conversation you would have heard that I said I find that all humans grate on my nerves to an extent.”

“I’m not sure that makes me feel any better, Spock.”

“But that you grate on my nerves less than any other.”

Jim swallowed. “Oh.”

“Nyota likes you. She was expressing some frustration at the time. She later apologized for what she said.”

“Why would she do that?”

“She is aware of my regard for you.”

“Yeah? She knows we had hot monkey sex like two days ago then?”

Spock’s ears turned slight green. “I did advise her that you and I had become intimate.”

Jim smiled a little. “I kind of wish I was privy to that conversation.”

“Jim,” Spock admonished.

“It was a bad night,” Jim admitted. “Bones was busy getting laid, which I certainly could have used, by the way, and then the guys all said I was terrible at cards.”

“It is not one of your skills.”

Jim stuck out his tongue. “And then when I went looking for my boyfriend—er I mean—you, I overhear you and Uhura calling me a shit.”

Spock arched a brow. “We did not call you that and you may call me your boyfriend if you wish.”

“I didn’t want to assume. I mean you and I only did it the one time, well, okay, it was like three times, but still.” Jim rubbed the back of his neck.

Spock came around to his side of the desk and pulled him to his feet. “It is time for the fourth.”

Jim smiled as his lips hovered near Spock’s. “Hell yeah.”

****

“Keptin on the bridge,” Chekov announced as Jim and Spock stepped off the turbolift together.

Jim had a little extra swagger as he smiled at Uhura, who smiled back, relief in her eyes.

He came up behind Chekov and Sulu and gripped both their shoulders. “Hey, guys.”

“Keptin.” Chekov beamed a smile.

“So, I was thinking, after this shift, we should all get together and play cards.”

Sulu barely refrained from wincing. “Cards, sir?”

“Yep. A nice long card game in the rec room. Bring Scotty too. I’m sure you’re all available, right?”

“Uh, yes, Keptin,” Chekov said, glancing helplessly at Sulu.

“Excellent. Spock’s gonna play too. He’s been teaching me how to play better. Since you know I’ve heard a rumor or two that I’m a terrible player.”

“We, uh, look forward to it, Captain,” Sulu said, turning to stare hard at the view screen.

Jim went to his captain’s chair. “Take us out, Mr. Sulu.” 


	52. Loss

Spock waited in the medbay for a report from Dr. McCoy. It would be all right he told himself. He had reached the captain—Jim—in time. Nyota had told him. Even McCoy had said so as they took him away from the transporter room.

Jim’s injuries had been severe at the hands of the planet’s rebels but not severe enough he would not be all right. He had come through worse injured. He had defied death. This would be no different.

It seemed to take an eternity though and Spock could not stop pacing. It was not too late. He could still tell Jim. When he woke, Spock would tell him of his regard. Spock was fairly certain Jim felt the same way.

The doors to the surgery room finally opened and Spock turned breath held. Dr. McCoy came out looking at least twenty years older. He was covered in blood. Jim’s blood. His eyes were downcast.

“Doctor?” Spock asked.

McCoy looked up and his eyes were wet. “I’m sorry, Spock.”

Spock’s heart stuttered in his side. “What?”

“I couldn’t save him.”

“You…what?”

“It was too late,” McCoy said, his voice cracking. “He’d lost too much blood. There was too much damage, Spock. I couldn’t do it this time. He’s gone.”

Behind him Nyota gasped and sobbed. Spock hadn’t even known she was in the room.

“No,” he whispered, his entire body filled with intense pain and agony. He dropped to his knees. “T’hy’la.” He dug his fingers into his skull and screamed.

****

Spock jerked awake, breathing hard and fast, his heart beating quickly in his side. He saw spots before his eyes. He was lying in a biobed. He did not recall why.

 _Jim_.

Spock sat up fast, swaying as he stood. He clenched his fists. A dream. It had to be a dream. It had to be a dream.

The doors to the surgery room opened and McCoy came out. He looked twenty years older. Spock heard a whimper. Knew he’d made the sound.

“Doctor?” he whispered.

McCoy looked up. His eyes were wet. “He’s going to be all right, Spock. We made it just in time.”

Spock had never felt such relief. It almost made his knees buckle.

 _T’hy’la_. Jim was his T’hy’la. Now he would be able to tell him.

****

Spock waited next to Jim’s bed for him to wake. He was very pale but otherwise he looked remarkable considering his severe injuries. He _had_ been on time. He had not failed his t’hy’la.

McCoy came to the other side of the biobed to examine Jim. He glanced at Spock. “Something you want to tell me about, Spock?”

“I hold Jim in high esteem.”

“I can see that you do.” The doctor smiled fondly at Jim. “He’ll wake soon. I assume you want to tell him.”

Spock swallowed. “Yes.”

McCoy nodded. “I think it’s something he’ll want to hear.” And then he walked away.

Ten minutes went by before his t’hy’la woke but when his blue eyes appeared beneath barely lifted eyelids, Spock’s breath caught in his throat.

Jim smiled. “Spock?”

Spock leaned down and kissed him, not enough to harm him or cause him breathing issues, but enough to make his intent perfectly clear. When he straightened, Jim’s eyes were wide.

Jim licked his just kissed lips. “Okay. I liked that.”

“I am gratified.”

“But…um…you?”

Spock nodded.

Jim smiled again. “Yeah?”

“Yes, t’hy’la.”

“I’ve heard that word before. What’s it mean?”

Spock stroked his fingers over Jim’s. “It means…you are mine.”


	53. Is It My Fault?

“Is it my fault?” Jim asked Bones.

Bones probably would have rolled his eyes if he hadn’t been studying the instruments over the biobed. “Well, Jim, you didn’t actually shoot Lieutenant Uhura, did you?”

“What? Of course not.’’

“Then it’s not your fault. I would say the fault lies with the Klingon. Anyway, she’s gonna be okay. A few days rest is all she needs. Now get out of my medbay.”

Jim sighed but nodded and headed for his quarters. He paused outside Spock’s and buzzed for entry. There was no response and he was about to turn away when the door slid open and Spock stood there wearing his meditation robes.

“Oh. Sorry. I’m interrupting.”

Spock inclined his head. “You may come in, Captain.”

“I really don’t want to interrupt.”

“You are not. I finished my meditation.” He stepped aside and Jim entered.

“Well.” Jim looked around Spock’s quarters. It still smelled like some weird incense. “Just wanted to tell you Bones says Uhura’s gonna be fine.”

“Yes. He advised me of the same when I was there two point three hours ago.”

“Oh. Well, good then.” He tugged at his collar. “Is it hot in here?”

“I do keep my temperature elevated compared to what you are used to. Computer, lower temperature twenty degrees.”

“You don’t have to do that, Spock.”

“It is of no consequence.”

“Well…anyway. I…should probably go.” Jim saw the chess set on the table and smiled. “You playing the computer?”

“I was earlier.”

“Ever play real people?”

“I am rarely challenged by anyone.”

Jim smiled at that. “Oh, I see. No ordinary players allowed.”

Spock inclined his head. “Do you play?”

“I’ve dabbled in it. Doubt I’m up to your level.”

“Do you care to play?”

“An ordinary guy like me?”

“You are far from ordinary, Captain.”

Jim blinked at that. “You’re gonna make me think you like me.”

“I do.”

“What? You do?” Jim laughed, and felt his skin flush. “Oh, you mean we’re friends. Yeah.”

Spock straightened. “Do you wish to play chess or not?”

Jim shook his head. “I’m actually pretty tired and I was kidding around about chess.”

“You do not play?”

“No, I do. I’m just.” Jim sighed. “I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“Because you are tired.”

“Yeah.” Jim rubbed his neck. “I just wanted to be sure you knew about Uhura. But of course you already did.”

“Yes.”

“Okay, I’m just going to go.” But he made no move to leave though and just stood there staring at Spock. “Well…uh.”

“Captain?”

Jim shook his head. “Night, Spock.” And before he could make a further idiot out of himself he made himself turn around and leave. But he didn’t immediately go to his own quarters but instead went back to the medbay.

Bones frowned when he saw him. “Jim, what the hell?”

“Just thought I’d see how Uhura was.”

“Told you she’s fine.”

Jim waved at Bones and went to Uhura’s biobed. She was sitting up drinking from a cup with a straw.

“Captain,” she said with a smile.

“Hey. You okay?”

“Oh, sure. I’ve had worse. And it gets me off duty for a change.”

“Listen, Spock—”

“Oh, my God, he told you.”

“Told me?”

She grinned. “I’ve been telling him he needed to tell you ever since we broke up.”

“Wait…you…broke up? What?” Jim frowned.

“Well, sure, you know that. He finally told you he’s in love with you!”

Jim stared at her. “He-he what?”

Her eyes got huge. “He didn’t?” she asked in a strangled voice.

“I gotta go.”

“Wait! Captain!”

But Jim hurried from the medbay. He made it to Spock’s quarters in record time and buzzed for entry.

The door opened and he rushed at Spock. “Spock.”

“Jim.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked breathlessly.

“I wished to. It is difficult to express my feelings.”

“Wait. You know I know?”

“Nyota just commed me.”

“Oh.” Jim nodded. He grabbed Spock’s robes and pulled him forward until they were only inches apart, their faces very close. “It’s true then?”

“Affirmative. If you do not—”

“Spock, sometimes I can’t breathe I love you so much.”

Spock’s lips crashed over his, hard, demanding and oh so potent. The kiss could have gone on forever or perhaps it was mere seconds. Jim didn’t know because he had lost all focus but what he tasted from Spock’s lips.

Finally they had to breathe but it was shared breath, blowing out together, mingling. Jim closed his eyes, rested his forehead on Spock’s.

“I can’t believe this is real.”

“Elaborate.”

“I’ve dreamed of this so many times and each time I wake up alone it’s like a part of me has been ripped from my very soul.” Jim sighed. “If I wake and this didn’t happen, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“Jim—”

He opened his eyes and looked into the dark depths of Spock’s chocolate eyes.

“This is no dream.”

Jim smiled. “I hope not.”

Spock pinched him.

“Ouch. Fuck me.”

“Soon.”

Jim’s eyes widened. “Real soon.” He brought his lips together with Spock’s once more. He sighed into the kiss. “Real soon.”


	54. After

Jim sunk into the seat across from Bones in the mess room with a heavy wince.

Bones looked up from the PADD he was reading. “Thought for a moment you weren’t coming.” He frowned. “What the hell’s wrong with you? You look like shit.”

“I think I just had sex with Spock.”

“You think? Either you did or you didn’t. Which, by the way, I’m not sure I even want to know.”

Jim buried his face in his hands.

Bones sighed. “Well?”

“I’m pretty sure.”

“Okay. This I gotta hear.” Bones paused. “I think.”

Jim moved his hands from his face and rolled his eyes. “I did. Well, I mean last night. We were playing chess and—”

“You were what?”

“Chess. You know the game. The three-dimensional game.”

“So it’s not some secret language for getting it on?”

Jim snorted. “No. As I was saying we were playing chess in his quarters and I won my second game and—”

“Wait. You actually beat the hobgoblin?”

“Yes,” Jim said through gritted teeth. “I’m actually good at chess. This may surprise you, Bones, but I’m not just a pretty face.”

“Whatever, pretty boy. Finish telling your story. You tell the longest stories.”

“I would have been done but you keep interrupting.”

“Get on with you, will you?”

“So I finished winning my second game and all of a sudden Spock attacked me.”

Bones frowned. “Like before?”

“What before?”

“When he was choking you on the bridge.”

Jim shook his head. “No. He started kissing me. Not that finger thing Vulcans do, but like lips and tongue and teeth and stuff.”

“Stuff?”

Jim sighed. “Yeah, you know everything. And then he was shoving me against the bulkhead and pulling down my pants and before I knew it—”

“I get it,” Bones said quickly. “How in the hell were you only thinking maybe you had sex.”

“Well. I woke up this morning in his quarters and my head was a little fuzzy. But the more I thought about it the more I realized we went at it like three times and—”

Bones pushed away his breakfast. “I’ve lost my appetite.”

Jim grinned at that and started stabbing into Bones’ food. “Good because I’m fucking starving.”

“So, why didn’t you just ask him if you’d spent the night doing the nasty?” Bones asked.

“He was in the shower. I left while he was in there.”

“You snuck out while he wasn’t there?”

Jim winced. “Well, it wasn’t really sneaking. I didn’t try to be all stealthy or anything. I just…figured I needed to get ready for duty.”

Bones suddenly straightened.

“What?” Jim asked, popping a mouthful of pancake into his mouth.

“Spock’s here and he’s coming over.”

Jim’s eyes widened and he thought briefly of excusing himself to go to the bridge but it was too late. Spock sat down next to him.

“Doctor.”

“Spock.” Bones smirked.

“Captain.”

Jim smiled. “Hi.”

“So I hear you had a good evening, Spock,” Bones crowed.

“Bones!”

Spock lifted his tea cup to his lips. “I do not make a habit of kissing and telling, doctor.”

“Hm. But Jim does.”

“I swear to God, McCoy—”

Bones laughed. “I’m just messing with you. I think it’s great.”

Spock’s eyebrow arched. “I do not recall seeking your approval.”

“Well, see that’s the thing, Spock, being CMO, you do have to seek my approval if you wanna log in the relationship and all.”

Jim shook his hand frantically. “We haven’t—we’re not…” He trailed off, feeling his throat close in panic.

Spock merely nodded. “I’ll discuss that with the captain at the appropriate time.”

“In the meantime,” Bones said. “If all you’re going to do is get your rocks off, then whatever.”

Jim kicked Bones under the table.

“Hey,” Bones said with a growl.

“Get our rocks off, doctor? I am not familiar with that term.”

Jim shot Spock a glance. “I’ll, uh, explain it later, Spock.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Should get to the bridge,” Jim muttered.

“I shall accompany you.”

All three of them rose, exited the mess, and went to the turbolift.

They stood silent, but Jim saw that Bones was quite clearly smirking. When the door opened onto the deck with the medbay, McCoy exited and mumbled what sounded like, “idiots.”

As soon as the doors closed, Spock looked at him. But Jim realized he was staring at Jim’s neck.

“What?” Jim asked.

Spock stepped closer. “I have marked you.”

Jim swallowed. “You—you have?”

Spock nodded, looking vaguely satisfied.

“Should I cover it up?”

“Definitely not.”

“Are you sure? Everyone will talk. They’ll probably assume we’re doing it.”

The doors opened onto the bridge.

“We are and they already do,” Spock said as he stepped off the turbolift.

“Wait. What? They do? Spock!” 


	55. Flirtatious

Jim looked over at Spock’s station for the fifth time since their shift began but just like the four times before Spock did not look back at him. In fact it seemed as though Spock’s attention was very specifically focused on his station.

The bond was closed too. Which to be honest freaked Jim out a little. Since they’d formally bonded on New Vulcan a few months ago Spock had never shielded from him.

“Captain?”

Jim glanced at Yeoman Rand who stood by his chair holding out a PADD with a smile. He smiled back. “How are you today, Janice?”

“Very good, Captain. Can I get your signature?”

“You can have anything,” Jim joked.

She laughed. “Just your signature for now.”

He read the report quickly and then signed it and handed it back to her. “There you are. And that’s the end of the shift.”

Jim headed for the turbolift and bit his lip when he noticed Spock hadn’t moved from his station. “Spock?”

Spock did not turn around. “Captain?”

“Are you coming?”

“I have a report to finish and then I will be going to the labs.”

“Oh.” Jim nodded, trying to set aside his disappointment. “Okay.”

He got into the turbolift and as the doors were about to close, Uhura slipped in.

She smirked and shook her head.

“What?”

“After all this time with Spock you’re still so clueless,” she said.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Spock’s mad at you.”

Jim scoffed. “I sort of figured that out for myself.”

“But you don’t know why?”

“Should I?”

Uhura rolled her eyes. “You did it just a few minutes ago.”

“Did what? I didn’t do anything.”

“The flirting, you idiot.” At my wide eyes, she snorted. “Captain Idiot. You flirt constantly. And _he_ hates it.”

Jim frowned. “No, he doesn’t.”

“Yes, he does. Look, Kirk, to Spock you belong to him. He’s very possessive of his mate, it’s that whole bonded forever stuff. When you flirt like you do it bothers him because he feels jealousy. He wants you for himself and when you say things like you just did to Rand? He thinks you might want someone else.”

“But I don’t,” Jim protested.

“Well, you sure make it look like you do,” Uhura said. “He knows your past, Kirk. And he knows you encourage the attention.

“I don’t!”

“Oh, please. You eat it up. That last planet when the princess was draped all over you? You loved it. And Spock knew it too.” The turbolift opened and she got off. “If you’re smart, you’ll beg forgiveness.”

****

Jim found Spock in the labs later. He finally went there after Spock did not come back to their room for hours.

Spock glanced up only briefly and then lowered his gaze once more to the work in front of him.

“Hi.”

Spock said softly, “Captain.”

Something twisted in Jim’s stomach. “I’m sorry.”

That earned him a glance and an arched brow. “For what do you apologize?”

“For being an ass. Spock, I love you. More than anything. You know that right?”

Spock inclined his head. “I believe this to be true.”

“But you have your doubts when I…I flirt, don’t you? Uhura was right.”

“Nyota?”

“Yes. She told me I’m an idiot and I can see that I am. Spock, I don’t mean anything by it. You’re who I want. Always.”

Spock’s eyes softened. “I do not wish you to be who you are not.”

“Maybe but I can be pretty insensitive sometimes. I’ll try to be better, Spock, I swear.” Jim pushed Spock away from the table he sat at and place himself right in front of Spock, so that he could kiss him thoroughly. “Forgive me?”

“I am considering it.”

Jim smiled. “Well, then, I think you need an incentive.”

Spock blinked. “An incentive?”

“Yep.” Jim dropped to his knees and undid the zipper of his pants.

“Jim—”

Jim took Spock’s cock out and raised his gaze to Spock’s. “I’m making it up to you.”

“The door to the lab,” Spock said in a strangled voice.

“Computer lock door,” Jim ordered.

He heard the sharp intake of Spock’s breath just before he wrapped his mouth around Spock’s erect cock. Jim closed his eyes as he took it deeper inside, his hand moving up to squeeze Spock’s balls.

“Jim,” Spock moaned as Jim increased the suction. His hips rocked as he threaded his fingers into Jim’s hair and fucked Jim’s mouth.

Jim grabbed onto Spock’s ass and swallowed his cock further, deep throating his Vulcan mate. Spock panted as he thrust in between Jim’s lips. His groans became throatier, his thrusts more urgent, faster.

To Jim’s satisfaction, Spock shook as he poured his release into Jim’s mouth even as he moaned Jim’s name over and over.

He leaned back on his haunches and wiped his grinning mouth as his eyes shined up at Spock who stared down at him with a dazed look.

“Good, huh?”

“Affirmative.”

“Am I forgiven?”

Spock blinked rapidly. “I am uncertain. You may have to do that a few more times.”

Jim laughed. “You are a devil, but I love you.”

“And I you.”

Jim flicked his tongue on the tip of Spock’s penis. “Okay, let’s get started.”

“Wait,” Spock said breathlessly. “Now?”

Jim shrugged. “No time like the present, Spock.” He winked and grasped Spock’s shaft in his grip. Spock’s knees buckled which sent Jim into a fit of giggles.

“It is not funny,” Spock said petulantly, but he even as he spoke, Spock was back in Jim's mind and Jim was almost giddy with relief.

“Yeah, it is. But all right, you may be right. You might need a break before the next one.”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime, honey. Anytime.”   


	56. Death in the Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim comforts Spock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically pre-slashy

Jim glanced toward Spock’s station as soon as he stepped on the bridge. It was out of habit. He liked seeing his first officer there. But hunched over Spock’s station was Ensign Chekov.

With a frown he turned to Uhura. “Where’s Spock?”

“Captain, I’ve been waiting for you.”

He walked up to her. Her dark eyes were concerned.

“Look, he got some bad news today and he left the bridge. I don’t think he’s dealing with it well.”

“News? What news?”

“His mother’s sister, Rachel. She died.” Uhura lowered her voice. “She looked very similar to his mom. I think that’s why it’s hitting him especially hard.”

Jim nodded. “I understand. You wanna go comfort him. Permission granted.”

Uhura shook her head rather rapidly. “No, Captain. Not me. Spock and I aren’t together anymore.”

He blinked. “Since when?”

“Does it matter?” She sighed. “You need to go to him.”

“Me?”

Uhura rolled her eyes. “Yes you, clueless. Trust me. You’re the one he’ll want to see.”

“Um, okay. I’ll be back.”

Jim first went to Spock’s quarters but he wasn’t there. With a frown, he asked the computer, “Locate Commander Spock.”

“Commander Spock is on the observation deck.”

For a moment, Jim hesitated. He couldn’t believe Spock would want to see him when he was emotionally compromised. He’d seen it once when Jim had died but they had never talked about it. Not really. And normally Spock didn’t want to show Jim any weakness.

And really, when had Jim ever been good at offering someone comfort? Like never.

Jim sighed. Get over yourself and just do it, he told himself as he headed up to the observation deck.

“Spock?” He spoke quietly as he approached his Vulcan first officer. Spock stood staring out at the stars.

“Captain.”

“You okay?” Then he shook his head. “Sorry.”

“For what do you apologize?”

“Of course you aren’t okay. Your aunt died and you’re here instead of the bridge.” Jim touched the sleeve of Spock’s uniform. “You’re shaking.”

“My control is not what it should be.”

Jim swallowed. “What do you want me to do?”

Spock shook his head. “There is nothing.”

He bit his lip. “Should I leave you alone?”

“If you wish to.”

“No, Spock.” He close his fingers around Spock’s wrist. “I want to know what you want. Uhura said your Aunt Rachel looked like your mom.”

“She did. She was older than Mother by a few years and I had not seen her since I first arrived on Earth and before that on her last visit to Vulcan.” Spock trembled. “The Vulcan that is no longer there.”

“Spock,” Jim said helplessly. He did not know what to do. He stepped forward and before he could even think it through he put his arms around Spock and pulled him close.

At first Spock stood stiff in his arms and Jim was about to awkwardly pull away, but then suddenly Spock’s arms came around Jim’s back and Spock held him so tight that Jim’s lungs seized for a moment. 

Jim swallowed and held Spock closer. Spock rested his head on Jim’s shoulder which further surprised him, but Jim went with it. Maybe Uhura had been right after all.

He didn’t know how long they stood there like that but eventually Spock pulled away. His expression was blank as usual as he gazed at Jim except there was a softness in his chocolate eyes that Jim had not noticed before.

“Shall we go to the bridge, Captain?”

Jim nodded. “Whenever you’re ready.”

“Perhaps later we could play chess.”

“I’d like that a lot, Spock.”

As they walked to the turbolift Jim noticed Spock was no longer shaking.

  


	57. Hey Spock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A story told in short notes.

**_Hey Spock_ **

I’m not sure I’ll ever send this or you’ll ever see it. Maybe I will, maybe you will. I don’t know much of anything right now.

Bones told me you are doing Kolinahr. I guess I should have realized you would but somehow the fact you are hurts more than anything else. It’s like you want to purge me, not just your emotions.

I’m sorry. I’d do anything to take it back. If I could. I knew when I woke up alone you realized what a terrible mistake you made. We made, I guess. I made. And I took you down with me.

I never meant to hurt anyone. Not Uhura, who must surely hate me. Not you. Do you hate me? I guess you do or you wouldn't want to purge your emotions. I let my desire for you ruin everything. I wish I could take it back.

 _Kolinahr_.

I wish I could just do Kolinahr. Can humans do it?

I managed to hide wanting you for years. What changed? I don’t know. But at least I had you with me. Seeing you with her killed me, but at least I had you with me.  

I am lost.

I want to die again. Maybe I should. Bones would tell me that dying because of you…because of anyone…is wrong. It’s fucked up. I should be stronger than that. I am stronger than that.

How am I going to do this without you?

I don’t know. And fuck, it hurts.

 ****

**_Hey Spock_ **

Why am I even writing you again?

I’m on shore leave. Well, actually, I’m on Earth leave. For two months.

Guess I need to pick a new first officer. One of the admirals suggested Gary Mitchell. I don’t know. I liked him back at the academy but he always had a bit of a power trip going on. I guess I have time to think about it.

Are you finished with Kolinahr? Will you become some sort of monk? I’m sure it’s not a surprise Uhura asked for a transfer. I guess she filed charges against me too. Harassment. It was dismissed because of her own relationship with you.

God, I fucked everything up.

Bones is here. We’re going to dinner now.

 ****

**_Hey Spock_ **

I haven’t written in about a month.

Still haven’t picked a first officer but I've narrowed it down to a few choices. Had to.

So, I’m doing okay. This is the third note I've sent you and you haven’t responded once. I guess I am not sure you are even reading them. Can’t say I blame you.

I’m sorry, Spock. It wasn't right of me to force myself on you that way. In my defense I thought you shared my feelings. I was wrong, I know that now. Wish I could change my actions. I've said that before I know.

I’m thinking this may be my last note to you, Spock. Bones says I need to let go, move on. Kaiidth, as you would say. What is, is.

 ****

**_Hey Spock_ **

I can’t believe you’re here and you’ll be my first officer. Again. Yeah, I know it’s silly to still send notes. I know you’re sitting just a few feet from me meditating. Have I ever told you how hot you are in those robes? Well, that’s what got me in trouble in the first place, huh?

Hey, aren't you supposed to be meditating instead of staring at me? Okay, okay, turning off this note and sending it.

PS. Glad you didn't undergo Kolinahr.  

 ****

**_Dearest Jim_ **

I am watching you sleep and I know that you will not find that disturbing. Not after everything.

You are beautiful when you sleep. Precious. To think I almost lost this in my foolishness. My behavior was most illogical. I was ashamed. I did not intend to hurt Nyota and for a time I could not get past the pain I caused. For both of you.

I will spend a lifetime ensuring you will forgive me. As many years as it takes.

You are my t’hy’la. Taluhk nash-veh k'dular,  my precious one. When you wake, I will be here.


	58. Crying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluffiness

“Computer, locate Captain Kirk.”

“Captain Kirk is on the observation deck, room three.”

Spock headed to that location as the captain had not shown up for their appointed time for chess. He had also not responded to any attempts to contact him.

The door had been locked but Spock obtained access. Normally he would not have intruded, but the captain had not been himself for most of the last two days. Everyone had noticed how unusually quiet their captain was.

The captain was seated on the floor by the large glass observation area. His head was on his knees and his body shook. By the time Spock got close he realized the captain was crying.

Spock stopped. He was unsure what to do. Humans were so emotional normally it was a difficult task to handle them. But a crying one was not within his parameters. He wondered if he should contact Dr. McCoy to see to the captain.

“Captain?”

Kirk stiffened instantly but he did not lift his head. “What is it, Spock?” His voice sounded thick with tears.

“You did not show up for our chess match.”

A long pause. “I’m not up for that today, Spock. Sorry.”

“You are in emotional upheaval.”

Kirk nodded.

Spock exhaled and approached the captain. He knelt down beside him. “Has something happened?”

“No.”

“You are distressed, so I find that I do not believe you.”

“I just realized what an absolute fool I am,” Kirk said softly. He turned his tear-stained face away from Spock.

“I do not believe you are a fool.”

“You don’t know a thing then, Spock.”

Spock knew this was likely true. “Jim, I am uncomfortable around such a display of emotion.”

“Then go away. I never asked you to come.”

“Allow me to finish,” Spock said, speaking more sharply than he intended. “However, I cannot ignore when you are in distress in this manner.”

“Sure you can. Just go away.”

Spock hesitated. He did not wish to be where he was unwelcome. “Will you tell me why you believe you are foolish?”

“Why not? Doesn’t matter. I’m hopelessly in love with someone who does not love me in return.”

“I see.”

Kirk shook his head. “I doubt that you do. Normally I can ignore it or pretend I am anyway, but I’m not feeling very well right now and it’s just made everything seem so much worse so that every time I see him with his girlfriend I just feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest.”

Spock seized on the one thing he could deal with easily. “You do not feel well?”

The captain nodded. “Cold.”

“You have a cold or you are cold?”

“Both.”

Spock put his hand on Kirk’s forehead briefly, making sure not to prolong the contact. ”You are feverish. You need to be seen by Dr. McCoy.”

“Don’t want to. Go away.”

“Jim.”

“Spock.” Kirk sighed. “I’ll go and rest in my room in a little bit. I just need a little bit longer.”

“This…man you love has a girlfriend?”

Kirk groaned. “Yes.”

“And you are certain he does not return your feelings?”

“If he did, he wouldn’t be with her, would he?”

“I would see you to your quarters to ensure your health.”

“Fine. Will you then go away?”

Spock intended to call Dr. McCoy, but he agreed, “Yes.” He stood up.

Kirk struggled to his feet but then swayed in Spock’s direction. Spock grabbed him to keep him from falling and was instantly hit with a rush of human emotions and thoughts.

_God, of all people to find me, it has to be Spock. Can’t he see what he’s doing to me? I hate it. Why him? And God, if I have to see Uhura touch him one more time in front of me I think I’ll just die. Maybe I’ll get lucky and this cold will kill me. Spock. Spock, please._

Kirk blinked and pulled out of Spock’s grip. His blue eyes were wet and red. His color was high and flushed.

“How long have you been feeling ill, Jim?” Spock asked.

“Couple of days.”

“You should have alerted Dr. McCoy.”

He assisted the captain from the room and to the turbolift. Kirk didn’t look at him, but Spock couldn’t take his eyes off Kirk. He had not guessed his captain had romantic feelings for him.

By the time they got to the captain’s quarters, Kirk let Spock put him in bed with the covers high to his chin.

“I’m going to contact McCoy,” Spock told him.

“Just a cold.”

“Perhaps, but it will be necessary for him to place you off duty while you convalesce.”

“I feel too crappy to argue.”

Spock sat on the edge of the bed and put his hand on Kirk’s cheek. “When you are well, we need to talk.”

“Talk?”

Spock nodded. “About how there is no need for you to cry.”

Kirk frowned. “What?”

“Shh. When you are well, ashaya. Close your eyes. I will get Dr. McCoy.” Spock stroked Kirk’s temples until the captain closed his eyes. After contacting McCoy, Spock would speak with Nyota.


	59. Surprise Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of silliness on the go

Jim woke feeling groggy and unsure of where he was. His mouth was dry, like it had been filled with cotton.

He turned onto his back and slung his arm across his eyes with a groan. His stomach rolled.

His head felt tight like something was squeezed around his temples.

Jim struggled to sit up. "What the fuck?"

He was in a hotel room. Vaguely he recalled he was on shore leave on Risa. He lifted his hand to his head and realized something was on his head.

Jim yanked it off and stared at the veil he now held in his hands. White and glittered with silver jewels. His eyes widened as he noticed the gold band on his left ring finger.

"Oh my God."

Jim found his communicator and flipped it open. "Kirk to McCoy. Kirk to McCoy."

A long pause. Jim looked around the room for his clothes.

"Jim?"

"Bones! Thank God! What the hell happened to me?"

"You gotta be kidding me."

"No! Jesus. I just woke up naked and I don't know but I think I might have gotten married."

Bones laughed.

"It's not funny! I was wearing a damn veil!"

Bones laughed harder. "Listen, isn't your...spouse there?"

Jim frowned. "No." He looked at the table in the room and saw coffee and eggs and potatoes. "There's breakfast."

"I'll get ahold of your spouse."

"Wait! You know what happened?"

Bones chuckled. "I was there. You're fucking hilarious, Jim."

"Bones!" But Bones didn't answer. Jim searched for his clothes and found his boxers which he pulled on.

The door to the room opened and Spock came in.

"Spock, thank God." Jim hurried to his first officer. He showed his hand. "I got married."

"Indeed." Spock held up his hand to show the matching ring.


	60. Death on a Planet

Spock watched in silent horror, there was no other word for it—logical or not—as his captain suddenly stared down at his chest to witness the sight of red slowly covering the command gold. So much red…Spock heard a low sort of whimper and knew that he had not been silent after all.

Beside him he heard Nyota’s choked gasp and Dr. McCoy’s cry of “Jim!” even as Ensign Chekov cursed in Russian.

Before their very eyes their captain—Jim—stumbled from the wound he had just been given then abruptly dropped to his knees. He had gone ashen white, his blue eyes glazed and stark in contrast. There was a moment of wordless terror and grief felt through their bond and then Jim fell forward, face first into the dirt.

“No,” Spock whispered, as the agonizing rip in his mind told him what his eyes did not wish to believe. He dropped to his own knees, the raw pain making his vision waver.

“Spock?” Nyota knelt beside him. “Spock?”

“God damn it,” Dr. McCoy exclaimed. “Get away from him!”

Spock lifted his head to see McCoy kneeling beside Jim, cradling him in his arms, blood now soaking through the doctor’s shirt. The blue eyes stared straight ahead.

Nyota was saying something to him, but all Spock could do was stare at the lifeless body of his mate being held by someone other than himself. He wanted to go to Jim. To be the one to touch him. But he could barely move. The pain of the severed bond was beyond all pain Spock had ever encountered. He might just go mad with the loss.

“Leonard!” Nyota called out. “Leonard, it’s Spock. Come here.”

There was nothing that could be done for Jim now, but Spock did not want McCoy to leave Jim’s side nevertheless. If he could not be there, surely McCoy could be.

_Jim_.

The loss of Jim’s thoughts, feelings in his head…such turmoil.

McCoy knelt beside him. There were tears in his eyes and tear tracks on his face. “Spock…I’m sorry.”

“The Keptin—”

They turned to look and saw that Jim’s body was gone, as were the aliens that had killed him. In their place was a robed woman with long flowing blonde hair. She looked very sad.

“What have you done with him?” Spock demanded.

“I am sorry for your pain,” she said softly. “It was never our intention for your captain to be killed.”

“He was more than our captain,” Nyota said. “He was our friend. And Spock’s mate.”

The woman turned her sympathetic gaze to Spock. “I am sorry,” she said again. “We were conducting a test. We had hoped…it does not matter. Your captain will be revived.”

Spock felt a spark of hope but quashed it. He had no reason to trust this woman, whatever she was.

McCoy stood up. “You can do that?”

“Yes, of course. But I must tell you there are risks with his revival.”

“Risks?” the doctor demanded.

She smiled slightly. “You are a loyal crew. You speak much to the character of your captain that you grieve so. The risks are not serious, Dr. McCoy. I only meant there may be some permanent memory loss after revival. He will be as you knew prior to his death other than that.”

“Well, don’t just stand there yammerin’. Bring him back already.”

“As you wish,” she said.

And then very slowly, next to where Spock lay on the ground, Jim’s body appeared. Spock grabbed onto him immediately but he was still lifeless and cold. Spock lifted his gaze to the robed woman and she moved her hand.

Warmth flowed through Jim’s body and suddenly he started breathing. Spock gripped him tightly, feeling his own heart beating fast in his side.

Jim’s eyelids lifted and Spock’s breath caught when brilliant blue appeared.

“Spock?” Jim’s voice sounded raspy, hoarse. But it was his voice. His. He was alive.

With shaking fingers, Spock’s fingers found Jim’s psi points, checking to be sure his mind had not been damaged by these creatures. Their bond sprung to life, fully formed, throbbing and pulsing with renewed energy. The pain in Spock’s head was gone.

“Spock?” McCoy said gently. “We need to get him up to the ship to check him out.”

“You will find he is fully healed,” the woman said.

“We’ll see for ourselves,” McCoy snapped.

“As you wish. I return you to your ship.”

Spock found that they had reappeared in the medbay with Jim lying in a biobed, Spock holding him, and McCoy standing next to them.

Spock stepped away. “Spock to the bridge. Status report.”

“Uhura and Chekov are on board, sir,” Sulu said. “The ship’s on course for Starbase 13.”

McCoy met Spock’s gaze briefly before focusing on Jim.

“How do you feel?” he asked softly.

“Bones? What the hell are you doing in our quarters?”

“I’m not in your quarters, Jim. You’re in the medbay.”

“What? Why?” Jim looked at Spock. “Why am I here, Spock?”

“Captain, what is the last thing you remember?” Spock asked.

“You and I having sex and then falling asleep.”

Spock did not look at McCoy when he grunted. “And what was the last planet you recall?”

Jim frowned. “Rigel 6. Why?”

Spock exhaled slowly. “We have visited three planets since Rigel 6.”

“What? That isn’t possible. Bones, stop scanning me.” Jim swatted at the doctor. “Let me sit up.”

Spock helped Jim sit up. He watched as Jim stared down at his shirt.

“Whose blood is this?” Jim demanded.

Spock straightened. “Yours, Captain.”

“Mine?” He looked at Bones. “Mine on your shirt too?”

“Yes, Jim.”

“What? How?”

“That doesn’t matter now, Jim.”

“Bones, don’t coddle me. What the hell happened?”

“You were killed, Jim,” Spock said softly.

His blue eyes widened. “I was?”

Spock nodded and reached for Jim’s hands. “I do not wish to relive it. Suffice it to say, I lost you.”

“Are you all right?”

“Now.”

Jim released a shuttered breath. “How am I here then?”

“They revived you. Said they didn’t intend to kill you and it was some sort of test or experiment. Whatever,” McCoy said. “I wanted to kill them except they did bring you back.”

Jim shook his head. “Why me?”

“I do not know,” Spock said. “There was no time to question them. The ship is headed for Starbase 13, but the course can be altered on your command.”

Jim nodded. “I’m really tired though. Guess I should be since I was dead. And I need a shower.”

Spock barely kept the wince off his face. “Doctor, I request your clearance to take the captain to our quarters where he may rest.”

Dr. McCoy nodded. “Okay, but I want him back here before his next shift, just to check.”

“I’m right here, Bones. Talk to me.”

McCoy just rolled his eyes. “Go on and get out of here.” He hugged Jim. “Stop dying, would you?”

“Definitely want to stop that.”

Spock helped Jim to their quarters.

“I can walk, Spock.”

“I am aware,” Spock replied but he did not let go of Jim’s arm.

When they reached the quarters, Spock let them in and immediately seized his mate and held him close, inching his hands under Jim’s bloody shirt to feel the bare skin there.

“Spock, Spock, I can’t breathe.”

“I apologize.” Spock did not lessen his grip on Jim. He buried his nose in Jim’s neck and inhaled his mate’s scent.

Jim’s arms came around Spock. “I’m here, Spock.”

Spock nodded.

“It’s all right, sweetheart. It’s all right.”

Spock nodded again, held on tighter, closed his eyes and leaned in closer to his mate. 

“I’m here,” Jim whispered, cupping Spock’s jaw and bringing their lips together.


	61. Announcement?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because someone asked for some fluff from me

“God, I can’t believe it’s almost time to go the bridge,” Jim groaned, flopping back down on his back on his bed. “And I need a shower.”

“Indeed,” Spock agreed, looming over him, his arm hooked around Jim’s waist. “You do smell of sweat and sexual fluids.”

Jim laughed. “Don’t hold back, Spock.”

“It would be illogical to say otherwise.” Spock kissed him. “I do not mind, however, I thought it might embarrass you.”

He huffed. “Well, I guess you’re right. I mean the crew doesn’t even know about us yet. Hell, our first night was—”

“Two nights ago.”

Jim smiled and curved his fingers around Spock’s neck. “Yeah, I remember. It was amazing. You’re amazing.”

Spock gave him his slight smile.

Jim sighed. “I love that.”

“What?”

“How you show me you’re amused. Just me. You smile for me. I even got you to laugh. You make me feel special, Spock. Like no one ever before. I feel safe. Loved.” Jim laughed. “I sound like a sap.”

“You are safe and loved, Jim,” Spock said. He touched his fingers to Jim’s. “Do you desire company in the shower?”

“Is that your way of saying get moving, Captain?”

Spock arched a brow. “I did not wish to be so blunt.”

Jim snorted. “Since when? Okay, but you have to get off me.”

Spock thoroughly kissed him and then rose fluidly from the bed. He reached a hand to help Jim up.

“When do you suppose we should let everyone know?”

“Everyone, Captain?”

“Or anyone. You know Bones is gonna demand to know.”

“Why should Dr. McCoy know our business?”

“He’s my best friend. You aren’t ashamed are you?”

“Certainly not.” Spock shrugged. “I will make a shipwide announcement if you wish.”

Jim laughed and headed for the bathroom. “How is that gonna happen? This is Commander Spock. The captain and I are sharing quarters now. Spock out.”

“It would be efficient to declare it that way. What would you say?”

Jim grinned. “Captain Kirk here. Spock and I are hitting the sheets. Kirk out.”

Spock arched a brow. “It is time to get in the shower now, Captain.”

“I know, I know. Shut up, Jim.”

“Something like that.”     


	62. The Reveal

“Spock?”

“What, Captain?” Spock’s voice was tense, colder than even usual.

“Spock, I have to tell you something.”

“Now is not the time, Captain,” Spock said curtly. He rose from behind the red rock and fired his phaser.

Jim huffed in frustration and likewise fired his phaser. “If not now then when? Geez, Spock, you’re always shutting me down when I try to have a real conversation.”

“We are currently surrounded by Jerovian forces, Captain, I would prefer you concentrate on preventing us from getting killed. Or worse…captured.”

“Exactly why a confession is required now.”

“Captain?”

“The chances we are going to get out of here alive are pretty small, Spock.” Jim winced as there was a rock explosion next to him. “This is likely it.”

“Captain, there is no time for dire confessions.”

“Way to make me feel special, Spock,” Jim said. “It won’t take long. I may not get another chance. And besides, this is like I don’t know, the fifth time I’ve tried to tell you.”

“Captain, if there have been five prior occasions where our lives were in danger and you sought to make a declaration of some sort, it is likely that we will indeed escape this situation as we have before.”

Jim blinked. “Oh, God. That makes some sort of sense.”

“Indeed.” Spock fired again and just moved out of the way of a return blast.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Jim growled. “I’m not taking the easy way out this time.”

Something near Spock beeped. “Captain—”

“I’m totally…”

His particles broke up. He rematerialized on the transporter.

“Fucking in love with you, Spock.”

Jim froze at the gasps of the crew. Standing in the transporter room were Scotty, Chekov, Bones and Uhura.

Shit, he was dead meat.

Jim stepped off the pad and right past them to the exit.

“Spock, you have the conn.”

“Jim!” Bones exclaimed. “I wanna check you out.”

“I’m fine, Bones.”

He breathed easier as soon as the doors closed behind him. But he also knew he had hardly escaped so he ran for the turbolift, got in and quickly closed it.

By the time he reached his quarters he was hyperventilating. God, it was bad enough he told Spock when they weren’t actually going to die, but then he had to go tell half the crew. Well, the bridge crew. Hell, his friends. Fuck, Uhura. All of them.

Jim wondered if it really were possible to die of embarrassment.

His door chimed.

No, no, no.

“Computer, identify visitor.”

“Commander Spock.”

“Commander Fucking Spock, you mean.”

“Clarify,” the computer babbled.

“Lock door. Double lock door.”

“Does not compute.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

The door chimed again.

Jim sighed. “Enter.”

The door slid open and Spock stepped inside.

“Oh hi. Problems with the bridge?” Jim asked too brightly.

“No, Captain.”

“No? Well, I should head there myself.” Jim headed for the door but Spock’s hand reached out and snagged his wrist. “What?”

“Do you intend to pretend you did not declare your feelings for me in front of witnesses?”

“Er…yeah?”

“Kroykah,” Spock said softly. He pulled Jim close. “You are in danger of not making it out of this mission alive, Captain. Tell me of your feelings.”

“Spock.”

“Tell me. And look into my eyes.”

Jim lifted his chin until he met Spock’s gaze. His heart pounded in his chest. “I love you.”

“And that was so difficult?”

“God, yes. And what do you mean I’m in danger?”

Spock’s thumb brushed Jim’s bottom lip. “I was considering strangling you myself.”

“Oh. And you?”

“Hmm?”

“Spock,” Jim pleaded, knowing he was in danger of whining.

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

“Okay. You know I don’t speak Vulcan. What does—”

Spock’s lips crushed his and Jim figured he probably knew what it meant after all.


	63. The Memorial

The captain was quiet as he took his seat on the shuttlecraft. He met no one’s eyes as he strapped himself in. I could not decide whether to sit beside him in support or across from him so I could study his countenance, but when Dr. Marcus sat across from him, I took the seat to the left of him as Dr. McCoy took the seat to the right.

Sitting next to Dr. Marcus was Nyota, Mr. Sulu, and Mr. Chekov in that order. Mr. Scott had been unable to make it.

We were all attired in our dress uniforms on our way to a delayed memorial service for Admiral Pike. The captain was only a week out of the hospital and still far too pale in color, but he had insisted on attending the service. San Francisco was rebuilding, Starfleet was rebuilding, and I believed after this service, the captain and the crew would also begin to rebuild.

No one spoke as the shuttle made its way from San Francisco to Mojave where Pike had been born. The memorial would take place there at the request of the Admiral himself. It was not a long voyage and everyone filed out ahead of Captain Kirk, who still sat on board the shuttle. I had risen with the intent to follow but returned to my seat when the captain remained where he was, hands folded in his lap, staring straight ahead.

“Do you require assistance?”

“No.”

When he still made no move to stand, I asked, “Would you prefer not to attend the memorial?”

“Yes.” He smiled slightly, his gaze briefly flickering to me, but it was not a smile of amusement, but of sorrow. “But I’ll go anyway.”

“They are waiting, Captain.”

“I know, Spock. You can go after them if you want.”

“I prefer to remain with you,” I said quietly.

Five minutes passed, that vacant, far off look still on his face, before he finally stood and left the shuttle. I followed closely behind. The others waited but if they found our delay odd they did not say so.

Nyota stepped next to me as we made our way from the docking bay to the memorial area. “Is he okay?”

“He is distressed.” Simple words but so much more in feelings.

“Pike meant a lot to him.”

“Yes.”

Nyota glanced at me, a worried frown marring her face. “And you? How are you?”

“I am adequate, Nyota.”

I stood by his side during the memorial as did McCoy. The captain spoke a few words, stilted and quiet, his posture unbearably stiff, and then when the memorial was over, he continued to stand by the plaque that had been left in the cemetery.

“What do you require?” I asked him, touching my hand to his shoulder.

But the captain shook his head. “Nothing.” He bent down and left a lily on the plaque, then straightened and stood. “Let’s go.”

The ride back to San Francisco was just as quiet and subdued. Sulu and Chekov said they intended to go to dinner and invited all of us along.

“A rain check?” the captain offered with a very slight smile.

They hid their disappointment and the rest of them agreed to the dinner but I, of course, went with the captain. I would not have enjoyed the meal without him. McCoy looked at the captain anxiously, but after a very brief hug, he too went to dinner with the others.

“You could have gone with them, Spock,” the captain said quietly as we rode the lift to his apartment.

“I had no desire to,” I assured him. When we reached the apartment, I made him tea and brought it to him. His hands shook as he took the cup.

“I’m sorry.” The pain, the deep sorrow he held back so strongly before cracked through in his blue eyes. “I’m not very good company.”

I knelt in front of his chair, removed the tea cup from his shaking hands and set it down on the table next to him. I reached for his hands and held them. “You are grieving. There was no time before with Admiral Marcus and Khan.”

“No, there wasn’t,” he agreed.

“Do you need anything?”

“No.”

“Do you wish to be alone?” I asked. I would not like it but I would respect his wish.

“No.”

I stood then and pulled him to stand as well. I led him to the bedroom and then pushed him down on the bed and lay next to him, wrapping my arms around him and holding him close.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“You are welcome, ashayam.”


	64. A Date with a Waiter, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of silliness

Jim walked up to the booth where two customers had just been seated. He had his fingers at the ready for the restaurant PADD. “May I help you?”

A Vulcan and an older brunette lady wearing a sheer flowery scarf around her head looked up.

“Professor Spock,” Jim exclaimed before he could stop himself. But damn, right here in his restaurant—well not _his_ restaurant—but his mom’s—sat Professor Spock. The hottest damn guy in the solar system. Or any solar system.

Spock arched a brow but otherwise his expression was blank. “Cadet.”

Jim smiled. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to yell or anything. It’s just…God I just loved your class. It was my favorite.”

“Your grade was commendable.”

Jim felt himself blush but he also thought he might have stood up taller. “Thank you.”

“Spock,” the woman spoke up, and she was smiling. “Who is this adorable young man?”

“This is James Kirk, Mother. He is a student at the academy on Earth.” Spock stared at Jim. “I am surprised to see you on this space station.”

“I spend my off times here because my mom settled here a couple of years ago when she retired from Starfleet. She owns this restaurant on the space station.”

“This is my mother,” Spock said.

“You can call me Amanda, James.”

“It’s Jim and thank you, Amanda.”

“Our order, cadet?”

“Oh.” Jim blushed scarlet. “Yeah. Sorry. What would you like?”

“I will have the green tea as well as the spinach omelet.”

“I’ll have the tea too but I’d like the frittata.”

“Coming right up.” And Jim hurried away.

Amanda watched the cute blond waiter with the killer smile walk away from their table.

“He’s really cute,” she said to her son.

Spock did not reply but she noticed his cheeks were just a little greener.

“You like him a little, don’t you?”

“Mother.”

“It’s okay to be attracted to another male.”

“I am aware of that.”

Amanda smiled. “Or is it being attracted to someone else at all?”

“He was my student.”

“But he’s not now, right?”

Spock folded his hands in front of him. “He is not.”

She shrugged. “I’m just saying we’ll be on the space station for a week.”

“Are you suggesting I try to establish a personal relationship with Cadet Kirk?”

“No, I’m saying you might wish to ask Jim Kirk out for a date. Not _Cadet_ Kirk.”

“I am not in the habit of approaching others for romantic intentions,” Spock said stiffly.

The cute waiter approached their table and set down two cups of green tea. He smiled brightly at Amanda and then even more so at Spock.

“It’s going to be just a little bit longer for your meals. But let me know if there’s anything else you need.”

“Thank you, Jim,” Amanda said.

“No problem. Be right back.”

“He likes you, too,” she told her son.

“How do you know?”

“His eyes sparkle.”

“His eyes are always pleasing.”

“Yes, but when he looks at you, they sparkle. He likes you, Spock.”

Spock didn’t say anything else but sipped his tea pensively.

Another ten minutes passed before Jim arrived with their food.

“Here you are.”

“Thank you, Cadet,” Spock said quietly.

“Can I get you anything else?”

“Not for me,” Amanda said.

“Cadet, what time do you complete your day of work?” Spock asked after a slight hesitation.

“Huh?”

“What time do you complete your day of work?” Spock asked more slowly.

“Two hours. Why?”

Spock cleared his throat. “There is a theater playing Earth movies. Perhaps you would care to attend one with me?”

Amanda hid her smile by lifting her tea to her lips.

Jim grinned. ”Yeah? You’re asking me out?”

“If you would rather not—”

“No, no. I would. I’d love to.”

Spock nodded. “Very well.”

Jim looked toward another booth. “I have to take an order. But I’ll be back later.”

“So, we’re going to the movies?”

Spock blinked. “You are of course welcome to join us.”

Amanda laughed. “I’m teasing, Spock. I’m not going on your date.” She sighed. “I definitely like him better than the other one.”

“You refer to Nyota Uhura?”

“I never did like her. I have a good feeling about Jim.”

“Your feelings aside, we may not suit, Mother.”

“You will, Spock. You will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 will be their date


	65. A Date with a Waiter, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's part 2. Enjoy!

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing, Jim?”

“What? It’s just a date, Mom.”

Winona Kirk peered at the Vulcan and human woman as they were leaving the restaurant. “Well, I know, sweetie. But he’s a Vulcan.”

“And?”

“Don’t give me that look. There’s nothing wrong with Vulcans. I’m just not sure a Vulcan is the right guy for you.”

Jim took a sip out of the coffee mug he’d just refilled. “How come?”

His mom sighed and wiped down the counter in front of her. “They’re so reserved emotionally. And you…reserved is the last thing anyone can say about you. You’re very expressive. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“It’s just one date,” he reminded her.

“I know you, Jim. You don’t date. Not like this. You like this Spock. A lot.”

He shrugged. “So I like him. I’m an adult, Mom. I can handle it.”

She smiled. “I know. You can’t blame me for still thinking of you as my baby though.”

He rolled his eyes. “I gotta go. I want to get a shower before I have to meet him. Which is why I told him I don’t get off for two hours.”

“Always thinking ahead.”

“Of course. See you later, Mom.”

****

“Cadet,” Spock greeted Jim when he arrived. It was more out of habit than necessity. He noticed that Jim had changed into dark jeans and a tight fitting black shirt that accentuated his chest muscles. Spock would not complain about the look.

“Professor.” Jim grinned and Spock recognized it as a teasing grin from his previous personal experience with humans including his mother and Nyota Uhura.

“The movie I thought we would watch does not begin for an hour,” Spock explained. “Would you care to have coffee or tea first?”

“Yeah, that would be cool.”

“There is a coffee and tea establishment on the other side of the theater if you will accompany me.”

They began to walk in that direction and Spock was aware of Jim’s curious glances. “So what brings you and your mom to the space station?”

“I had work to do for Starfleet and my mother has a friend from childhood who has taken up residence here. It was an opportunity for both of us.”

“Ah, well it worked out well for me.”

They went into the coffee and tea establishment and after they obtained their preferred beverages, they selected a table toward the back.

“How long has your mother’s restaurant been here?” Spock inquired.

“After my dad was killed, Mom continued working in Starfleet for a while, but after she divorced my asshole of a stepfather, she took very early retirement from Starfleet. She knew the commander of this space station pretty well and the need was here for a better restaurant than the one before that serviced the station.” Jim shrugged. “This is the third year since she arrived here. When it’s time for me to go back to the academy I’ll return to Earth.”

“Your stepfather was not to your liking?”

Jim smiled as he took a sip of his coffee. “That’s putting it mildly. He was an abusive fucker who we’re well-rid of.”

“I am sorry to hear that your experience was unpleasant.”

“Are you teaching again for the next year?”

Spock nodded. “I have one more year for my contract and then likely I will be assigned to space duty.”

“That will be awesome. I can’t wait for that myself. I’m taking the Kobayashi Maru next year.”

“I am aware of that.”

Jim smiled. “Any pointers?”

“I am not allowed to discuss the parameters of the test.”

Jim laughed. “I know that. I was kidding. I didn’t really want you to tell me how to beat it. But I do intend to beat it.”

“If anyone is capable of such a feat, I believe it would be you,” Spock replied.

“Yeah? That’s good to know.”

“Your grade was among the best in my class.”

“Just among the best?” Jim asked, raising both his brows. “I was striving for the best.”

Spock sipped his tea. “I am unable to disclose the grades of your fellow students as that is confidential information.”

Jim sighed. “Of course it is.”

“You are frustrated?”

“A little yeah,” Jim admitted. “But it’s no big deal.” He tapped his fingers on the table. “Actually, I was surprised you asked me out.”

“You were unaware of my interest?”

“Well, sort of. Not entirely. I mean there were a few times when you caught me staring at you and I thought there was a hint of something in your eyes. You tried to hide it well. But I’ve kind of got a lot of experience in knowing who finds me interesting.”

Spock’s lips thinned. “I am not interested in your previous experience nor in being another conquest.”

Jim laughed which surprised Spock. “I’m not interested in telling you about my previous experience either. That’s all in the past anyway and now I’m sitting here with you.”

Spock nodded. “Precisely.”

“What I meant was that even though I thought you might find me attractive, I never expected you to act on it.”

“Because you were my student.”

“No. Because I thought you were dating that chick. The snooty one.”

“Nyota Uhura?”

Jim wrinkled his nose. “Yeah, her.”

“You did not care for her?”

“I don’t care for anyone who treats me like someone she wants to scrape off her shoe,” Jim said with a wry grin. “Anyway, everyone thought you two were together.”

Spock hesitated. He did not like to speak of personal matters, but Jim was a potential romantic partner, therefore it seemed appropriate. “We were for a short time but it became obvious we were not suited and we ended the arrangement mutually.”

Jim laughed again. “That seems like a long way of saying she was a pain in the ass.”

“Jim.”

“I know, I know. Sorry. Well, lucky me then.” His brows furrowed. “Wait. You did ask me out for you know for…um…”

“Romantic purposes?”

“Yeah.”

“I did.” Spock was gratified to see Jim’s brows smooth. “What other consideration would there be?”

“Perhaps you just wanted us to be buddies or something.”

“Buddies,” Spock repeated. “No. I do not think we will suit as buddies.”

Jim stared into Spock’s eyes then, his blue eyes sparkling just like Spock’s mother had said. “I don’t think so either.”

****

Hours later when Spock let himself into the hotel room where he was staying with his mother he noted she was up, sitting on the couch, reading a book. Spock straightened. He knew he probably looked rather a mess. His hair unkempt, his lips no doubt swollen. He kept his distance from her as well, for he knew he needed a shower.

She looked up with a smile. “How was the movie?”

Spock straightened. “We ended up not going to the movie.”

“Oh.” Her eyes crinkled in amusement. “I see. Well, I trust you will be seeing more of Jim Kirk while on the space station?”

“Yes.”

Her smiled widened. “And back on Earth as well?”

Spock cleared his throat. “I anticipate that being the case.”

“It’s nice to be right once in a while,” she declared. “Would you like some tea?”

“Perhaps after my shower.”

“Oh. Yes, of course.”

“Mother, may I make a query?”

“Of course, Spock.”

“Did you find Nyota snooty?”

She blinked by smiled. “Why, yes. I did. Why?”

“It is nothing. I am going to take my shower now.”

“I’ll have your tea ready when you are finished.”

“Thank you.”

Spock went into the bathroom and he had to admit, he looked forward to his next date with Cadet Kirk. Very much.


	66. End of Mission

The worse part about having no family left to speak of meant that when the family you made was dispersed it hit even harder. Or it did for Jim. Five years in space over in a blink of an eye and now six months off duty for all of them. And at that end of those six months? Well, Jim just didn’t know. He knew crews were dissolved all the time. Command teams split. He’d have to prepare for the worse.

But for the moment, the worse was upon him.

Jim stood waiting by the shuttle that would soon send Spock off to New Vulcan for at least the next six months. Part of him—okay a huge part—figured Spock would never return to Starfleet.

Swallowing back this fear, this trepidation, Jim forced a smile as he looked at his soon-to-be former first officer. Okay, really Jim guessed he already was former. And how the hell much did that hurt?

“I guess they’re ready to board.”

Spock nodded. “It would seem.”

It was simply torture to be in love with someone as unobtainable as Spock. More than five years of pretending to only think of Spock as a friend wore on Jim. He’d succeeded at never letting on, not even Bones really knew the depth of his depraved love for Spock.

“Okay,” Jim said, captain’s smile firmly in place. “Hope everything goes as you want it to on New Vulcan.”

“Thank you, Captain.”

And if that meant making little Vulcans, well, what did Jim really have to say about it? He had no idea if that was what Spock planned. He had not shared that with Jim, but Jim also knew that Sarek had brought up the possibility with Spock before.

Spock leaned down to pick up the bag of his belongings. “Goodbye, Captain.”

“Goodbye, Spock.”

“Live Long and Prosper.”

“You, too.”

Spock got half way up the shuttle ramp before Jim stopped him.

“Spock!”

Spock stopped, turned, lifted an eyebrow in question.

“I’m…I’m gonna miss you.” And he was reminded of that time years ago just before Khan had changed everything for all of them.

Like then, Spock merely stared at him. But instead of being frustrated like last time, this time Jim was merely filled with resigned amusement.

“See you, Spock.” He waved and was surprised, a little, when Spock waved back. Then the Vulcan turned and finished getting into the shuttle.

Jim turned away and exited the area for the shuttle and met up with Bones who would be leaving him next. Bones was waiting for him.

“You see the hobgoblin off?”

“Yep.” He looked down at Bones’ three bags. “What’s all that?”

“Some is my stuff, but the rest are gifts for the kid.”

“You old softie.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. There’s still time, you know.”

“Time?”

“To come to Georgia with me.”

Jim shook his head. “Thanks, Bones. But I’d only get in the way.”

“You would not.”

“Hey, I’ll be okay.”

Bones studied him. “Changed your mind about going to Iowa?”

“Nah. There’s nothing there for me now. Hasn’t been for years.” Jim patted Bones’ arm. “I’ve got a nice rental lined up here in San Francisco. Don’t worry.”

“I’m always gonna worry.”

“I know.”

Bones said gruffly,” Well, come on then. Give me a hug so I can be on my way. And don’t think you won’t hear from me. Cause you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

Jim smiled and embraced him. “Don’t want to get rid of you. Be safe. Have a great time with Joanna. Okay?”

When Bones went to his shuttle bay, Jim left and went to the street. He wondered if he should try for a cab or just walk the long blocks. Standing nearby was Uhura, so with a shrug he went over to her.

“Hey.”

She smiled. “Captain. You still here?”

“Yeah, seeing Spock and Bones off. What about you? I thought you’d be long gone.”

“My shuttle doesn’t leave until tomorrow. Going to stay a night in the city first. Grab something to eat.”

“You meeting someone?”

“Nope. Just me.”

“Want some company?” Jim grinned. “For dinner that is.”

She laughed. “I’d love it. Here’s my cab. Get in.”

They found a little café not that far from Jim’s rental and Uhura’s hotel and got a table for two. They shared a bottle of wine.

“So what are you doing anyway?”

“Going to see family,” she said. “Like everyone.”

Jim smiled. “That’s nice.”

Uhura bit her lip. “Sorry. I didn’t even think about it.”

He shrugged. “It’s okay, you know. It’s not like I don’t know they’re all gone.” His mother had been killed in action two years into Jim’s five-year mission and his brother along with his wife had been killed on the planet, Deneva.

“What about your nephew, Peter? He survived.”

“Yeah, but Aurelan’s parents are raising him. They blame the Federation for her death. They don’t want Peter having anything to do with me.”

“Still, I’m sorry to be bringing up painful memories.”

Jim waved his hand. “Nah, you’re fine. I’m glad you and everyone else has family. I don’t begrudge anyone that.”

Uhura was quiet for a moment as she sipped her wine. “I’m kind of surprised really that you didn’t go with Spock.”

“Spock?” He laughed. “Why would I?”

She sighed. “I always thought…well it doesn’t matter.”

“What? What did you think?”

“I don’t know how much you knew about our breakup.”

Jim knew they’d broken up about six months into the mission but they’d remained friends. “I knew you ended things.”

Uhura snorted and shook her head. “No, you’re wrong about that. Spock did.”

Jim frowned. “Really? He told me you did.”

“Well, it is true that I agreed with Spock it was the right thing to do,” Uhura admitted. “I can’t deny I hadn’t had similar thoughts, but it was one night right after a mission where you’d gotten seriously injured. You were still in medbay at the time. He just told me he’d been thinking about it for a long time and had come to the conclusion we were not compatible in the long term.”

“Okay. Sounds like the way Spock would end things. But where’d we get from you thought I’d go with Spock to New Vulcan to here?”

She toyed with her wineglass. “I thought you were the reason. Back then.”

“What?”

Uhura shrugged. “I thought he was in love with you and that’s why he didn’t want to be with me.”

Jim laughed. “Obviously not.”

“That’s the thing though. Even though he didn’t act on it, I was still convinced that you two would…end up together.”

“Spock and I are just friends. Always have been. I don’t know why he broke up with you, Nyota. But that definitely wasn’t it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.” Jim took a large swallow of his wine.

“What about you? Did you have feelings for him?”

“Me?” Jim shook his head. “Friends. Like I said.”

She nodded, her eyes sad. “Maybe that was it then.”

“That was what?”

“If Spock believed you didn’t share his feelings, he would never have said anything. That much about him I know. He must have realized you didn’t return his love.”

“Spock doesn’t love me,” Jim insisted. “Not romantically anyway. Hell, there were plenty of times he barely tolerated me.”

“I guess.”

Jim took another sip of wine. “And now he’s…I don’t know…gonna mate for the greater good or something.”

This made Uhura laugh. “Spock didn’t go there to make babies. He’s testing the soil for the Vulcan Science team. He’s been assigned to the team because there seems to be fluctuations in the soil and ground cover. I actually thought he was going to ask you to go with him but I gather he didn’t.”

“No.”

She sighed. “I suggested it. In case you didn’t go with Leonard to Georgia. I guess Spock figured you were.”

“I doubt it. I’m sure he just didn’t want me interfering with his studies.” Jim smiled. “Anyway. Let’s change the subject.”

“Deal.”

****

It was late by the time Jim got to his rented apartment. It was furnished with somebody else’s things so it didn’t really feel like home to him. The Enterprise was home, really.

He took his things to the bedroom and started unpacking the small belongings he had. A few clothes and holo-pictures of his family. Even a few of the crew. When he came upon the one of him and Spock at the Christmas party two years prior, he paused over it. That was the night Spock had indulged in a drink made with chocolate liquor. Spock had his arm around Jim’s shoulder, which was indeed a very rare occasion. He’d never noticed before but Spock wasn’t really looking at the camera but was instead looking at Jim.

Jim’s breath caught in his throat. It was unmistakable and Jim was a damn fucking idiot. Genius, his ass.

He picked up his PADD that he had stuffed into his bag earlier and sent a message.

_Spock, you idiot. I’m an idiot, too._

The reply was almost immediate which somehow did not surprise him.

 _Clarify_.

Jim grinned.

_I love you, too._

The next reply was not immediate and Jim held his breath for three minutes. Okay, not really. But a long time.

_I do not recall making the declaration._

_But you do, don’t you?_

Another even longer pause. Four minutes.

_Affirmative._

Jim swallowed and closed his eyes in relief. Relief so great he slipped off the bed and onto his knees.

_Captain?_

_It’s Jim. We aren’t even on the ship._

_How did you know?_

_Christmas two years ago, Holo-pic. And a little nudge from Uhura. Can I come there?_

_I would be gratified._

Jim smiled, shook his head.

_Me, too. I’ll take the first shuttle out tomorrow. Goodnight, Spock._

_Goodnight…Jim._


	67. Blue Eyes

Blue eyes  
Baby's got blue eyes  
Like a deep blue sea  
On a blue blue day  
Blue eyes  
Baby's got blue eyes  
When the morning comes  
I'll be far away  
  


The song was supposed to help, Spock thought, but it made him feel the loss that much more. In general he appreciated all forms of music, but this song…he shut it off.

The house was empty save for him. He had turned down all invitations to visit elsewhere, all offers to come see him. It was cold but Spock suspected no amount of heat would warm the ice inside him.

He’d buried Jim, his husband and bondmate, only a week ago. A mere three months before that they’d celebrated fifty years together. At the time it had seemed such a long time, but now it was not enough. Not even close.

The worse part had been that Jim’s passing had been unexpected. Oh, Spock knew Jim was old and old humans his age often passed without warning, but he still had been unprepared for Jim to have passed away in his sleep.

At least he’d had the beauty of Jim’s smile one final time as they retired for the night and Jim murmured, “Love you.”

Spock hoped Jim heard his usual “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular” before he’d drifted to sleep.

Spock turned the song on once more.

 

Blue eyes  
Baby's got blue eyes  
Like a deep blue sea  
On a blue blue day  
Blue eyes  
Baby's got blue eyes  
When the morning comes  
I'll be far away  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This collection is finished. Please check out collection 2.


End file.
